let down gone wrong

I must laugh at how life throws us curves, and sometimes good curves.

Yesterday was the day I've been waiting for - the recipients of the training fellowship for which I applied in September were going to be announced. My boss, after leaving the meeting where the recipients were selected, informed me that I had not been selected.

Boo. I had really wanted to get that grant, and I know I was up against good competition, but I still thought I had a pretty good application. I played it down, saying I hadn't gotten my hopes up very much, but in reality I still DID want to get the funding and, more importantly (is this bad?) the honor of receiving such an award.

It's funny how I revert back to the thinking patterns of my younger years. It was not a fortnight ago that I sat with my high school gals at the youth group I volunteer with and shared in a discussion about how girls tend to act like they can't be hurt. We say to the pretty girl, "Well, I don't want to be all obsessed with looks like you are," when in reality we know the girl ISN'T into looks, she's just naturally beautiful. Or we say "You don't like me? Well fine, I don't care, anyhow. You're not worth caring about." But we really are dying inside, thinking, "I'm not going to let anyone hurt me...I'm not going to let anyone see how I really feel." We build up these walls, we become emotionless, and that goes against the very nature of our being!

And, I became semi-bitter. I went through the list of people I was pretty sure must have gotten the fellowship spots. Yep, he's really smart, he should get one. She had good data; he's a good worker; she's got some good ideas. And one of the people I thought must have received the fellowship was one of those who's perfect. You know the kind - great in class, socialable, looks wonderful, has the wonderful significant other. The person I always try to beat out, not to satisfy some animal-like urge, but to make myself work hard enough to do better than that person who I think is the best. As I heard recently, "He/she literally made me a better person." Not that I'm the more stellar student or employee, but that without that competition, I wouldn't try so hard to do my best.

So I griped about how that particular person always got everything...I don't even know if the person actually got the fellowship, but...you know...

And then a funny thing happened.

I checked my voice mail this morning on the bus - I'd turned the phone off before Bible study last night around 7p.m. My boss, who is in Puerto Rico for work, had left a message and said that there had been a mix up and I actually HAD received one of the fellowship positions. I was pretty sure I had heard incorrectly since I was on the bus and couldn't hear so well. But when I called the voice mail again at quiter work, it was confirmed, and it's now official.

That's what I was so let down about yesterday...and now I'm not, so that's good. But the period of thinking I was let down sure brought up some serious issues I have, wouldn't you agree? ...All occurs for a reason. Now I must get to working on how to deal with those issues. Perhaps the real let down is that, despite my ability to achieve such awards, I'm still a pretty imperfect person.

P.S. My sweet friend Su-Lin prayed last night that a great guy would become a reality in my life. Isn't she timely? *smile*