Feeling a little introspective again today... So many thoughts have been going through my mind in the past two weeks, and probably one of the most recurrent ones is, "Can I please figure out how to stop thinking so much??" Thinking doesn't help very much in a lot of situations. What I mean to say is that as much as I think about what I should do if/when this-or-that occurs or what I should do to get this-or-that to occur...many times "this-or-that" is not something that any amount of me thinking or planning for can make any amount of difference. I cannot make stuff happen by thinking about it. I can't wish things into existence. All I can do is take life moment by moment, as it comes, basing what I do on not what I think but what I believe. Hm, can anyone follow that "think vs. believe" concept -- I once described it to some friends as "I need more wisdom, not brain cells."
Anyway... The week ahead of me is one of those that cause me to think muchly. A bunch of stuff going on in the lab; long hours await. I am waiting to hear back from someone whose response I can't predict; whatever the result my mood will certainly be affected. I have an appointment that I feel uncomfortable and anxious about attending; very long and awkward moments are guaranteed.
I think...have I prepared everything I need for the week of labwork...what if that response is unkind or disappointing...the lab work and the response and the appointment could all go in ways I don't want, and that will make the future look bleak because all these things seem to have so much to do with trying to publish results and graduate and find a new place to work...if I'm so uncomfortable about this appointment, maybe I should cancel it - but no, it's too late now, and maybe it's just my defense mechanism to avoid things I don't feel comfortable with...will I be able to keep it together during the stressful week and not go off on my coworkers and to the responder and at the appointment...all these things do not have that much of an affect on my future, why am I so concerned...these three things are what I anticipate for the week, but assuredly so many other things I have not anticipated will also crop up - can I deal with that...is it even worth worrying about the response, maybe the person isn't really worth caring that much about...is my worry about all of these things just setting me up to have a bad attitude regardless of what actually happens... These are my thoughts.
I do believe I need to figure out a way to make my brain turn off...!
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