hrmn...now what?

This past weekend I took a few steps in trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be headed after graduation. I know that I won't really know for a while (part of this is that I don't have a graduation date established, just "by the end of 2007"), but I'm trying to weigh my options and send out some feelers for some of the directions I am feeling nudged to head.

For this past weekend, that meant two things:
1. Inquire for the MFC researcher I'm interested in if he anticipates any openings for a postdoc anytime soon. I sent this email on Friday evening.

2. Visit one of the cities I'm thinking of going. Why? To get a sense of the place. And...maybe get a blast of lightning saying, "YES!! This is the place to go!! Now, find someone to work with here!!" (I might add that I realize this probably seems like a totally backwards way of selecting a job - at least a postdoctoral research position - to first figure out to which city one wants to go and then figure out if there's a job there. As my boss told me once, the only reason to do that is for family or boyfriend/fiance/husband. I assure you, that is not the case in my situation.)

So, I went to the city yesterday, which was sort of a disaster because I had planned on leaving my house much earlier than I did but that ended up not happening for reasons beyond my control, and as it turned out I hadn't really put much thought into how much time I would have in the city, and all the things I had put on my mental list of stuff to do would have taken at least 7 more hours than I had allotted myself. Well - the getting to the city and doing what I hoped was a disaster. The visit was actually very much NOT. I got a lot of very good, very tough thinking done on the way there and while I was exploring some of the area. No bolts of lightning, though. I did, however, really, really, really, really, really, really appreciate the fact that this city does NOT have insane, falling apart roads like Pittsburgh does. And people also know how to drive there, unlike in Pittsburgh. And it's clean, unlike in Pittsburgh. (I don't hate Pittsburgh, but...it's got a lot of stuff that really bugs me. Some cities are just not for certain people!)

Then I came home this morning. More thinking on the way back. More thinking as I walked to the bus to go to work. One thing I had gleaned from my visit was that regardless of the choice I make - to move there or to move somewhere else or do something totally different than what I'm thinking now - it, in a sense, doesn't matter. It's not like the world will end because I make a choice that is less than perfect. And my life will not be ruined if I make a bad choice, either! So if I go to this city and then it turns out to be a lousy idea...well, that's it. It was a lousy idea, and I accept that fact and move on. (Perhaps easier said than done, but still the thought makes me feel much less anxious about my choice.) And suddenly on the way to the bus I thought, "Well, then GO! There's nowhere else you want to go, so why don't you just go and do it! And it's not a bad choice, anyhow!"

Hm. ...Okay!

And then I got to work and turned on my computer and checked my email and read...

"My lab is pretty full right now, so no, I don't anticipate any openings in the next few months."

Oh. Bleh.

Well, that negates that option unless I somehow decide to beat a dying horse (which I have realized recently I'm pretty good at doing!) and figure out a way to convince this researcher that I can write a grant and get funding for a project of my own to do in his lab. And - I'm not being low-self-esteemy here! - the chances of me actually getting a grant for this type of research coming from the field I'm in is very, very, very low, so that does not seem like a very wise course of action. My efforts would be best spent somewhere else.

And so...what does it mean? Shall I search for other opportunities in the city? I'm sure there are lots, and many that are much more related to my current work and expertise. Do I look somewhere else? The interesting thing is that besides the MFC research, right now absolutely nothing grabs me. Not like when I was in undergrad and looking for grad schools - I was passionate about HIV, and that guided my choices. But I'm not passionate about HIV now, and I don't feel passion for anything except bacteria making electricity. And this is both frustrating (I'm not even at Square One; I'm at Square ZERO!) and comforting (I can do...anything! Wow - that's a lot of options!). But not very informative.

...I suppose that in conclusion I shall say...stay tuned to see this story progress and discover the exciting conclusion in a matter of (I hope!) months...! Oh, and if you have any passion to pass on, please do.

:-)