missing you...

Through a series of various events, I got in touch with a person from my past yesterday. Memories upon memories came flooding back from college, where I had the pleasure of knowing said person as well as a number of other great people through Riverview Church. As we caught up, I heard all the news about the group from back then, where they are now, who has how many kids, where everyone lives, all that jazz. And, man oh man, the more I thought about it, the more I realized -- I miss those guys (as a gender-neutral term)!

The last time I saw them was in August of 2000. I attended my friend Sara's wedding, and just about everyone with whom I'd grown close in the final year and a half of college was there. The next day I packed up my car and moved to Pittsburgh. And...that was it. Some would say we all "fell out of touch," and to some extent that's true, but there is usually a reason for falling, and in this case, I think it had at least something to do with my laziness and my incapacity to appreciate the value of others and my extremely focused view on myself and all the new, exciting things in my life as I started graduate school and worked myself into the new city. I can't say those dear friends didn't try to get my attention; I can say that I did a really bad job of letting them know I appreciated it, and I probably truly did not appreciate it as much as I really should have. The old song lines come to mind: "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone."

Over the course of the past year or so, I've been increasingly convicted that I need to invest time and serious effort in building and maintaining friendships. I've been quite ungood at this for a long time, and it's taking me a while to become at all willing to actually do this. However, by making a conscious effort to call or email or have dinner with various friends old and new, I've been amazed at how much there is to know about them! In addition, I've been surprised by how happy most of them were to hear from me or to spend an afternoon together; I'm not saying I was surprised that they enjoyed being with me - I don't have that low of self-esteem (and, I also am not as conceited as that statement may sound) - but I guess I hadn't realized just how important communicating, "I pick you to spend time with!" is to certain folks. I often assume it's only me who feels this way! :)

So, today a few questions come to my mind...

• Is it ever too late to re-start a friendship? It feels exceedingly weird and semi-embarrassing to type up an email and say, "Er...hi...I know I have totally ignored you for the past four years, but...it's me...how are you?" Is it sometimes better to just say, "Ah well, I guess that's over?"
• Should one put a limit on how large his/her circle of friends becomes? I mean, if you have 30 friends, and you call or spend time with one of them every day, you still only have contact with them once a month! And what if that number grows to...365? You'd either have to host very large parties, participate in conference calls, or lose your career and start being a professional friend!
• In light of that last question, let's assume a person chooses to limit the number of friends he/she actively pursues. Then, how does one decide which individuals to "keep around" and which ones to leave by the way-side? Is there any logic to this, or is it completely emotional? For example, I can immediately make a mental list of the top six people I'd like to keep in my "friends group," and three of them are because I've known them a long time, two are because how deeply well I am known by them, and the other is solely because I am highly attracted to the particular individual! Are those legitimate reasons? What about the value of the friend who has wise advice for me or who helps me stay the course when work gets annoying or who always has the addresses of the people I can't seem to keep track of?

I sure don't know. But I'm feeling rather nostalgic right now and unusually lonesome! The farewell we'd always toss around with the Riverview folks was "If I don't see you soon, I'll eventually see you in heaven," but that really doesn't seem good enough right now.

modeling

Rack another point up there for "unique experience in my life!" I love to collect experiences, and thus far the collection holds things like playing an alpenhorn, having my hand not-cut-off in a magic show, and being a movie extra. This weekend I added modeling to the list.

To raise awareness about the upcoming Pittsburgh Knit and Crochet Festival, the organizers put together a fashion show to highlight a number of the designers and vendors who will be represented at the Festival. When I heard the call for volunteers to "model" the garments to be displayed, I stepped up. What I didn't know was that in addition to wearing some sweet fibers (a silk and mohair twin set; a wool and angora sweater -- the softest thing EVER!) during a show emceed by a former Pittsburgh Steeler, I'd get the chance to wear some garments that were more art than clothing.

A nice man from Ohio, T.J. Horst is a high school art teacher and was inspired by felting in a course during his masters work. He quickly adapted, modified, and transformed the techniques he was introduced to in the classroom into his own style of fusing wool together to form garments! He now has a line of women's fashion and has pieces on display at various museums. He and his work were featured during the second half of the fashion show, and I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to participate - and that meant I got to wear some pieces that Horst himself stated he would never sell. I had never really thought about clothing in that way - as purely a work of art.

Most of the pieces Horst brought along (in the trunk of his Chevy Cavalier, incidentally) would fit just about anyone - they tie on, and the felt flexes to adjust to the wearer's body for the most part. I wore I think three pieces. The person taking photos for me didn't really get many of me, but nevertheless, browse...I'll also make a social comment about models in general. You know the stereotype of female runway models - tall, anorexic, gaunt. I thought about this while dressing and undressing with the two actual models that Horst brought along (one is his wife!). These ladies were as tall as me but probably weighed about 50 pounds less and worse about 10 pants sizes smaller (woah...that makes me feel really fat, which I'm not!). But as I thought about it, I realized that I could never look like them, unless someone went in and restructured all of my bones, replaced my entire pelvis, and shrunk my organs. The way their bodies are put together is completely different than mine! I thought to myself..."Modeling is what they would be really good at! They're made for it!"

...Now...with my big hips and healthy body, I'd venture to guess I'm made for having kids. ...Can we get to that part of life soon, please? :-)

don't know what i want

For a variety of reasons, I've been thinking recently about what I want to do with my life. I want to move back to Grand Rapids...I want to get a postdoc overseas...I want to work at the NIH...I want to teach...I want to settle down somewhere and raise children... It's hard to prepare for the next phase of life when I don't have a very clear grasp of what that's supposed to be.

The thing is, this confusion has worked its way into my everyday life. Every day I'm faced with many decisions, and of late I've been having trouble making those. For example: I want to finish this little thing at work...oh, no, actually I want to go home; I want to eat an apple...no, actually I want to eat ice cream; I want to go running...on second thought, I'd rather sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing; I want to sleep (I need to sleep!)...but no, I really want to knit; I want to call someone...maybe not now; I really want to go hang out with somebody tonight...but I want some time alone.

Of course I cannot choose: I don't even know what I want!!

This week seems like one of the longest ones I've ever lived, and it's only Wednesday... Being indecisive and waiting for Something Magical (I don't know what, but I think that's part of what's causing my anxiety) to happen.

a numbers game

It's interesting the way some numbers stick in my head and others totally don't.

Last Thursday was "CK Day" - don't even ask what it stands for, because that involves a long story. CK Day is the birthday of the guy I had a crush on throughout high school. I think I will probably think of January 18 with that title for many, many years to come. It is so ridiculous - why in the world should I recall the birthday of a guy who never so much as had a conversation with me ever and probably couldn't pick me out of a crowd, but I don't remember the birthday of a particular dear friend with whom I not only had long and meaningful conversations but also dated for a while?! That, Ruth, is a little bit ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, I watched Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet on Friday night. The movie is not ridiculous (it is one of my all-time favorite movies!), but I was quite struck by how ridiculously quickly Romeo and Juliet fell in love and decided they should get married. Heck, the boy was kissing Juliet after having merely an intense exchanging of glances and about three minutes of flirting. That is really not grounds for falling in love, in my humble opinion. Of course, we all know that, but it struck me intensely on Friday night and reminded me the lesson I keep being taught: relationships, of any type, take time and work. Ugh. It would be so much easier if it happened quickly, but...then again, look at what happened to the poor star-crossed lovers... I guess that's not really the future I look forward to for my husband (whomever he might be) and I.

And, in case you're wondering, Amber - yes, I started yelling at Romeo and throwing popcorn at the screen as soon as he jumped in that car in Manchua... I hope my neighbors didn't hear me yelling the rest of the movie... ...Stupid, stupid guy... Maybe you should invest in a mailbox or something!

the sad saga of sheamus

I don't think Sheamus will be a part of my household for much longer.

A few months back someone suggested to me that the beautiful male betta I call Sheamus was probably too cold in his water, and that explained why he was quite listless and no longer made funny fish faces when at me when he wanted food. He got moved to a few warmer rooms, but I saw no improvement. I tried keeping a lamp on him to make sure the water was warm enough. Nothing. By this time, he wasn't even eating food, really. And the worst part was that he seemed to be losing control of his balance. He kind of "bent" in the middle at times. Plus he was constantly at the top of his bowl, which was weird.

I finally decided it was high time I give up on the "water's too cold" diagnosis and seek help from a qualified fish person. The folks at Elmer's Pet Store (they have about 7 billion fish there. Not really. But there are a lot!) said it's mostly likely a bacteria or fungal infection and to use some drops to fix it. So I've been using them, doing water changes every day. I even moved Sheamus from the regular bowl to some new containers (okay...so they're Tupperware...) in case the bowl had some sort of residual infectious material that was adding to his problem.

Still...after a week, I saw no change. In fact, he seems to be getting worse. His lovely flowy fins are getting sort of frayed, and he's losing the brilliant blue color in his scales. I cannot recall the last time he ate - it seems like it must have been months ago! (I don't quite understand how he can till be alive if this is the case, but I am positive it's true! Perhaps the cold blood makes it possible.) I went back to Elmer's, and all they could say was to keep using the drops. They also convinced me to try feeding him live food, which meant buying a bag of brine shrimp (a.k.a. "sea monkeys"), which cost something like $1.72 and I got about 75 thousand shrimp.

And thus begins the short tangent I will go on regarding brine shrimp...

I had read long ago that this is what bettas "should" eat. Well, sorry, but I don't particularly want to care for the pet's food as well as the fish, so I stuck with fish pellets for Sheamus, which he loved. And now I am really glad I never gave brine shrimp a shot.

The night I bought the brine shrimp, I studied them closely for a few moments, intrigued by their exceedingly small but detectable bodies - black pin-prick eyes obvious against translucent little "fin" things and tails. I plunked a dozen into the water with Sheamus and noticed that there were three "types" of shrimp. One had all translucent bodies. One had a brown blob about midway down the body. The final type appeared to be two shrimp stuck together. And upon further investigation, I determined that there was always one brown-blob and one no-blob shrimp when they were stuck together. (Ah - a note here - this next is going to be the X-rated part of the post if you care to not read that...) It doesn't take a whole heck of a lot of brains to figure out that the two-stuck-together shrimp were a male (no-blob) and female (brown-blob) shrimp in the act of mating.

I confirmed this the next day by finding more information about brine shrimp online. Apparently, these suckers are quite prolific, which is why they would be such wonderful "pets" (or culturable food for pets...).

However...at the end of that day when I returned home, all twelve of the shrimp I had put in with Sheamus to eat (the thought of him eating these guys did seem a bit revolting, to be honest) were still there. So...that ruled out the possibility of "Sheamus isn't eating because his food is too boring." I didn't really want to continue seeing if I could intice Sheamus to eat - for if my efforts failed, I would merely be forcing him to spend the last days of his life in the presence of tiny invertebrates having sex, and I actually care about Sheamus enough to not do something as obnoxious as that. Therefore, I am left with a bag of 75 thousand minus 12 brine shrimp. I shan't tell you the bag-o'-brine shrimp's fate.

In the end, all I can do is wait. Wait and see if Sheamus miraculously gets better. Or wait and see how long he lives before he reaches the proverbial toilet bowl (actually, I have a little box all set to act as a "casket" for him to be properly buried in the ground - no flushing for that special guy!).

Life has been teaching me a lot lately that I just need to wait for a lot of things. I always thought my biggest struggle with patience was my inability to not freak out when people or situations got rough, and I've been getting better at that (if my self-assessments count for anything) -- but I realize now that patience comes in at least two flavors: short-term and - the one I'm finding is more difficult - long-term.

at night

I had a really bad dream last night that Blogger got all crazy on me and started charging me for every photo I wanted to post (they also were offering pictures that you could buy to post onto blog entries, I guess just in case you didn't have any of your own or you wanted to appear to have way more friends that you really did or that you had travelled to an exotic island for vacation). I'm glad that this is not the case. Not that I have a lot of photos to post right now. But still.

Speaking of dreams, I have been sleeping an incredible amount recently. I first thought this was because I had experienced some insane work hours, but even after that I found myself not being able to drag myself out of bed until 9:30 on weekends (this is not normal). And so maybe it was because I was getting to sleep later than normal - which has been true. But even so, this past weekend I found myself sleeping between 10 and 12 hours a night! And still wanting a nap!

One of my biggest fears (and...in a sense - hopes, because I'm lazy) of life is that I will contract mononucleosis. That would completely wipe me out. It might be a good thing for me to be forced to take it easy for several months (it would certainly be lovely to have a great excuse to not work too hard and spend much time sleeping and knitting), but it's not terribly conducive to finishing a PhD thesis. I'm quite sure that my wanting to sleep so much has very little to do with the possibility of having mono. And being that in the past couple weeks I've become sort of a hypochondriac - having worried at various times that I have broken my finger, have some kind of terrible dermatologic disorder, have a congenital syndrome, or just plain carry bad genes - I am not taking my sleepiness too seriously, because it's most likely my imagination running away with me.

Actually, the tiredness is really most likely due to psychological stress and not consistently getting up at the same time every day. These are things I know full well how to deal with!

Anyway, a few bits and bobs I had begun blogging about but never finished posting earlier in the month are related...

You'd think I would have realized when I posted on January 2 that it was knitting day, especially because one of my knitting projects had everything to do with New Year's. But I didn't. I had many other things on my mind (see, for example, the parenthetical statement in that day's post), some of which were actually causing me to lose sleep because I'd lay (lie?) in bed at night and not be able to get my brain to stop thinking about them. But...I dealt with the majority of those things by the end of the day and was quite capable of drifting off to sleep - hooray!

The project I forgot to write about was the Nadia hat, which I had intended to make to wear for a New Year's celebration on the dunes of Lake Michigan. Obviously, I was in Pittsburgh for New Year's...and the hat is nowhere near being completed. BUT I did in fact make it to some dunes on Lake Michigan while I was visiting my parents, although it wasn't the original destination I had planned for the hat.Mom and I went to Rosy Mound Park, which has trails through both wooded and non-wooded dunes, and if you climb up the dune and on over...you get to Lake Michigan.I was pretty lame and didn't even have a single hand-knit item with me, but at least I got a picture of me at the beach in December!On another note, remember all those silly things I was doing? I was convinced they were because of thoughts of a person taking over my brain. However, what I did January 4 can't really be explained by such reasoning. (I instead blame lack of sleep.)

It was going to be a long day. Very long. I was up around 4 and ate, dressed, fed Joelle, packed up food and other essentials for the day, then drove to work. I worked. And worked. And worked and worked and worked. And finally, when I got home around midnight, I opened the apartment door and looked over at Joelle's cage as I normally do - she has a tendency to shake her cage when she is kept in it for a long time, in an effort to express her anger at being cooped up for so long, and I had been musing to myself on the drive home how far off its base the cage would be when I got home from the 18 hour work day.

To my utter surprise, I did not find the cage moved a centimeter from where it should be. However...

However, the door to the cage was wide open. Not only was it wide open, but it was clamped wide open, which meant that I had not ever closed the cage when I left in the wee hours of the morning, and that in turn meant that Joelle had achieved free range of the apartment for the entire long day! That is a very long time for a rabbit to destroy many, many, many things.

The first thing I checked was the lamp cords. There's only one that is accessible to a rabbit without climbing over a large object. All cords were fine.

Next, the couch. There's one favorite corner Joelle has tried to start nibbling, and I've put some blockades around it, but they're easily movable. Yet...the couch was fine.

I was getting a little scared because how likely was it that this critter truly didn't destroy anything?, and all the other things I could think of that were destructible were much more dear to me than the lamps. For example...my Fairly Easy Fair Isle cardigan sweater, which was laying in a heap on the bathroom floor - exceedingly easy prey for a mischevious rabbit!

Nope. Fine.

Everything was FINE. I couldn't believe it! (I also couldn't believe that I had forgotten to close the cage door.) I was very, very proud of my wonderful bunny for being so responsible even when I was not. Now, I'm certainly not going to make letting Joelle run around unattended become a habit, but it sure gave me a lot of respect for her. I gave her as many treats as I could allow myself to spoil her with and told her over and over again what a good, good rabbit she was. And I felt a bit guilty when I had to shut her in the cage the next morning knowing full well that it would be another very long day...

nothing better

It's a rainy, gloomy Saturday in Pittsburgh. Not a whole lot to do other than laundry, go to knitting/crochet group after not being there for about 6 weeks, and pop into work for a few hours. The first thing that came to my mind this morning when I woke up to the clouds and cool air outside was: have curry for lunch.

I think it is a grave misfortune that I was not introduced to curry earlier in my life, although avoiding the high fat content of the coconut milk with which it's made was probably a good thing. I first had curry when I moved to Pittsburgh, and it was home-made, and it was GOOD. It has just enough spices, it makes me feel warm inside like nothing chicken noodle soup could ever come close to, and it stays. The drawback is that the curry smell also stays - in one's clothes and hair and breath. But it's such a comforting, inviting aroma, I'm happy to deal with it.

I went to a Malaysian restaurant with my friend Jen on Thursday and brought back a large portion of my green curry with tofu and delectable vegetables like baby corn, beans, and carrots. For lunch today I made a couple servings of brown rice, mixed in the leftovers, and sat down to a delightful meal that kept me toasty all afternoon. Aah. Curry.If you have never had the pleasure of enjoying a good curry, please do try. If you want a recipe to try, visit here. I've not tried this recipe, but all I've made from this website is delectable.

i learned something new

No blogging recently; so sorry! I'm way, way, way behind on updating you with my knitting. Fortunately, there's not a whole lot to tell there, but I shall surprise you by revealing that instead of knitting, I've been...crocheting!

Don't ask me why. I tried to learn how to crochet at least two other times in the past year, but I never got it. Not that it was highly confusing, but when I looked at one instruction book and then compared it to another one, the two didn't seem to agree with each other, and I got very frustrated. However, thanks to the ladies at my "knitting group" (it's actually a crochet group, but most everyone knits) I learned that unlike knitting, there are many ways to crochet.

Now, if you're astute, you would notice that I have in the past stated that there are many ways to knit. Yes, yes, but they all end up looking the same. The same is not true for crocheting, as I'm told. It seems that some teachers think you should poke a crochet hook through the front loop of a crochet chain, others think you should poke it through the back, and others through both loops. I could be wrong on this take on crocheting, also, but one thing I know was that I couldn't get it when I was trying to learn because everything I read seemed to contradict itself. Plus, either I was really stupid (I'm a PhD student; I highly doubt this) or the illustrations in the books were really bad: I couldn't figure out how the text-instructions related to the pictures that were supposed to correspond with them.

For some inexplicable reason, on Saturday I woke up after a gruelling week of Much Stress and Work at the lab, and decided, "Today I am going to go buy some crochet hooks and really learn how to crochet." Not sure what got into me. However, I did just that. I ended up purchasing a learn-it-yourself kit from JoAnn - the one made by Lion Brand. This is the same kit I'd used to learn how to knit. I was pleased to find incredibly easy-to-understand pictures and instructions, and before I knew it...I had made this:Okay, well...that's not really so impressive. It is supposed to be a granny square, but as you can probably tell it's not exactly a square... But hey - it's the first thing I made, and I'm keeping it!

I was so enamored by this new skill that I started making something else...That's much better (it's the start of a washcloth), but technically it's supposed to be about 10.5 inches...and as you may notice, it's only 6. Hm... I will have to work on the gauge thing here.

And this is also something with a bit of a screwed up gauge, but I'm using totally the wrong yarn, so I can deal. This IS a square (and it's supposed to be):...although I did have to re-do a few parts of it multiple times and finally was required to put those colored marker things in where you see them because I kept crocheting into the wrong holes over and over again and ended up with a non-square several times. BUT - the point is, I figured it out. (If you happen to know which garment this is a part of, kudos. But please don't tell anyone! Thanks.)

AND...I've decided that crochet isn't really that bad. It's certainly not the same as knitting. There are many, many items I would never, ever choose to make with crochet that I would be very motivated to knit. But, crochet is really fast! People tell me it uses less yarn to get to the same dimensions as something knit. And you can make things that you can't make with knitting.

So, that's what I've been up to. And I have been doing some knitting, too. Like...I've been working on the Brioce Bodice.And I've been swatching a few things here and there. Maybe I should just finish one of my other projects that have been on the needles for a year...! Ho, hum...

and just like that: 2007

Aah - did anyone notice that the week between Christmas and New Year's just flew by? Woah. It's back from Christmas vacation in Michigan and on into the lab for me, with lots of fun, exciting, and stressful things on my plate at work!

And no snow. There is no snow and it is January. And I am supposed to go on a ski trip in 10 days...! It is a very odd feeling to have no snow at this point in time. I can't say I'm utterly disappointed, however. I just wish it wouldn't rain so much instead.

Rain is what it did on New Year's Eve 2006. After our other comrades all got sick or homebody-ish, my friend Josie and I decided to brave the crowds and chaos of First Night, which meant a trip to downtown. This was before it started raining much, but we did have the foresight to bring umbrellas. I'm afraid this might have been the worst NYE I've ever experienced - not that it was really BAD, but it wasn't really that great. Josie and I wandered around checking out some of the activities and displays that were around, and it seemed like wherever we walked, we cast some sort of dark shadow over the festivities.

Case in point: first stop was PPG Place to watch ice skaters and get our bearings. Then we went into the PPG wintergarden - but no sooner had we stepped inside than a guard began walking around telling everyone the place was closing in 5 minutes. Ugh (and I must note that 5 minutes from that time was not even a really logical time to close - 8:47 or something like that). So we went back outside and found that probably not long after we had passed the skating rink someone had fallen down and now everyone was off the ice and an ambulance had arrived and the EMS workers were tending to the injured skater. ...Um...did we do that? And then it really started to rain.

Nevertheless, Josie and I had a good time together, had some good girl talk, good general talk, and good warm drinks at the food court where Everyone Else was trying to be not in the rain. I learned what First Night is all about and what I should do and not do if I ever decide to attend in the future.

After the rain set in, Josie and I went back to our respectives home and welcomed the new year in a warm, dry place. Warm, dry places are quite the best, I think. Particularly if paired with a good glass of merlot.

(And if you're wondering why "D" and I did nothing for New Year's, that's a good question and I will get back to you on that if I ever find out. Just sayin'.)

wishes you and yours the same thing, too

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

May you reflect on the peace, joy and comfort of the gift of the Christ Child as you enjoy your holiday celebration.

and this song of mine in three-quarter time

Time.

Time does strange things to one's memory. Always a witty individual, Mark Twain said, "The faintest ink is stronger than the best memory." How true that is in my life today.

For a variety of reasons, many Things from my Past have been resurfacing (or dredged up, depending on how you look at it), and over the past several weeks I have spent much of my time at home thinking about, praying about, writing about, and effectively "dealing with" these Things. This morning I was bumbling about the apartment, not terribly motivated to get up and going, since I only have three small things to do at work and then I'm headed back to pack for Christmas in Michigan and get some last-minute shopping done. As I was putting gel in my hair, I had the inspiration to find a particular CD to listen to while I ate my raisin bran, and thus began a fruitless search. I really wonder where that CD is...but in the meantime I ran across an old journal, which I had been thinking about finding because I know a particular entry exists in the journal about one of the Things, and I wondered what the date was.

Abandoning my search -- oh wait, I just realized that the CD is here in my desk at work...aah... -- abondoning my search for the CD (which now, in retrospect, was a very good idea!), I instead picked up the journal and perused that during breakfast. I was astounded at what I found. (And I was astounded by how faint some of the ink was!)

As I look back and reflect on the Things from my Past, I have a certain sense of how I was feeling when I made particular choices and participated in various activities. But when I looked back in my journal to see what I was actually thinking (or at least was recording as what I was thinking)...I discover that the sense I have is wholly false. The way I think I was...is not how I was! I was surprised to discover common themes of questioning, searching, remorse, and a deep longing in my heart -- the most surprising of all was that these themes are nearly identical to ones I could find in my journal today!

That is not at all what I had expected to find, and it drastically changes my view of myself way back when. How is it that I have come to forget who I was? Have I been making excuses for or trying to explain away my "old" self for all these years? Has it been too hard for me to admit I really was who I was? And why oh why didn't I go back and read those journal entries sooner? Sure, they were from 7 to 10 years ago, but I actually had quite a few wise things to say back then -- I could really have benefitted from my own experience and advice!

But, perhaps one cannot fully appreciate the wisdom of one's own thoughts and ideas until she has marched on, experienced more, and can now bring the wisdom into the new contexts of her life.

All that said, I encourage everyone to keep a journal. You might hate writing, you might think journaling is stupid, but I for one think that it not only has immediate benefits (one entry I read said something like "Writing has benefits over talking to someone because you can sit and organize your thoughts and not worry about saying them the right way or having someone else ask you probing questions about what you're trying to say - you can just get them out!"), like clearing your head, but also serves as a remarkable resource for you when your memory fails. That happens when you get older. Believe you me - it happens even if "old" is only 26!!!

may your new year dreams come true

As 2006 draws to a close, I look back over what all has occurred this year. Wow. A lot. My thesis project went from hopeless to hopeful...some of my friends went from bad to worse, others from good to great...I moved...I got 2 pets...I've met lots of new people...I've knitted various items...I went to Europe... It feels like the year has flown by so quickly, but when I think about all I've done, it seems really long.

But the biggest question...did I live up to any of my New Year's resolutions? Um...not really. I was fairly successful in many of the areas, but certainly not perfect. ...I really should have revisited that post a few times throughout the year - I had completely forgotten that I had made some of those goals!

So...well, I don't feel too guilty. The items I would normally have the hardest time feeling okay about not having achieved would be those related to my spiritual growth (e.g. reading Bible, setting aside time for God); however, I have learned a tremendous amount of stuff about God and how He relates to me and how I relate to Him and what being a part of the church means and how I am to respond to others based on how God feels about me and others... There are many ways I have grown spiritually that I never, ever would have imagined at the beginning of this year!

Well, what are this coming year's New Year dreams? I'm going to keep it short and simple: 1) graduate 2) love God and love others. (Although, based on my inability to achieve goals...perhaps I should make more goals just so at least I'll complete something! It would be pretty lousy if I both didn't graduate and didn't love God and others...) There are other dreams, too, but those are just dreams, not goals really, so they aren't worth sharing (and, based on my recent State of Brain*, I don't think they're really good for me to even be spending much time thinking about).

I will note, however, that I want to put some concentrated effort into these people:This is my small group Bible study - with a few people missing and with an additional creature (dog) and a leg** - with whom I meet every Wednesday. They're super. They're one of the groups I'm no longer leading. And there is much change in the air! We're a big group, and I've discovered that it takes a lot of time and effort to build and then maintain strong relationships with them all - and I'm pretty poor at doing that. So it's going to be a challenge, but one I'm excited to take to know them better so that when I move (hopefully by the end of 2007!) into the next phase of my life, I will have left an impact on theirs.

And I suppose that's what life is all about - making sure you have something of you left after you're gone.

-----

*It seems that something, or Someone (more likely - the current hypothesis is "D") is sucking my brain cells out... Truly. I forgot to send in my rent check this month - and I have never, EVER forgotten to pay any bill ever! I just completely forgot. Then, Tuesday, I got home from work, curled up to do some reading and writing, and made sure I was ready to leave for hockey practice at 8. Except that when I got in the car at 8, I realized that...practice starts at 8. I was supposed to have left at 7...uh...yeah. Why was I thinking 8? I do not know. I thought that was the end, but the next morning I made up vaccines to give to my mice for my current immunization experiment. After doing careful calculations, I figured out how many doses I needed and found that I had JUST enough of all of my materials to make that many. I made them. Then I realized...I actually needed 10 less than I had made. Not a big, bad deal, but...what was I thinking? And finally, this morning, I got in the car, set off to work, and realized that I was driving in the opposite direction of work and was driving to the highway instead of the busway. Oh me. I conclude that all the brain cells normally devoted to useful and beneficial thoughts about items such as these have been diverted to the far corner of my brain that thinks girly thoughts about guys. Thus, "D" is the culprit.

**The leg. Yes. Like the one in A Christmas Story (see the Clip 1 on the "Sneak Peak" portion of the site if you've never had the pleasure of viewing the leg lamp). Except this one wasn't a lamp, it was just a leg. It was the unofficial winner of "Best/Worst Present" in this year's White Elephant gift exchange. It is actually a Victoria's Secret leg, retrieved from the dumpster behind one of their stores around here. Why? I'm not sure. But...lucky Scott got it! Scott was one of the first to leave the festivities after the gift exchange, and when the doorbell rang not too long after his departure, we knew what we'd find on the front porch: the leg. War has begun...he shall certainly be re-receiving the leg...

every song you hear seems to say, "merry christmas"

There are some songs that should not be sung operatically. I don't normally say that, because I rather enjoy opera, and I think the singers are amazing. Did you know that (real) opera singers don't use microphones! That's some major lung power there - I can always hear them fine, and I sit in the very back of the auditorium where the seats are cheap!

But - there are some songs that should not be sung that way. I realized this last night as I was driving out to the store (Goodwill) to find some white elephant gifts for tonight's annual Bible study group gift exchange. On the radio (classical station) was some great woman singing a Christmas carol that I can't for the life of me recall right now (it was so horrible, I had to just delete it from my memory!) - and, oh my!, was it wrong. Gone was the tenderness, gone was the sincerity. It sounded like the woman was trying to embellish and force out difficult notes for all she was worth, and...it was very bad.

It has occurred to me recently that I am totally out of touch with music. I enjoy music. I listen to music - it's just that the only music I listen to is classical music. Most of the composers are dead. There are few radio stations that play the music. It's just plain old not popular! I thus can't tell you much about the music most people listen to. I attempted to keep up a little bit for the four years when I worked with high schoolers, but even then I fell far from actually knowing much about what was hitting the airwaves. Today I know even less! I at least know that Justin Timberlake released a long-awaited album, but that was months ago. That's about it.

Perhaps it's time I familiarize myself with this culturally relevant topic. Not "culture" the way I usually think of it, but popular culture. ...But as I consider that, I realize that it's a gigantic monster of a beast. There is so much to know, so many styles, so much to wade through to get to the point, so much to remember... ...Ugh...what a monstrous undertaking this seems! ...Perhaps it's not time...

For now, the good ol' Christmas tunes (NOT sung by opera stars!) will do.

it's that time of year - when the world falls in love

It's knitting day.

I knit a few rows of the Retro Rib sock this week. That's it. Why??? I do not really know. I suppose it was a busy week with Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights full of activities and Friday night full of shopping and Saturday full of cleaning and hockey games. But I really think that the major reason continues to be that I still haven't unearthed the I-modified-them instructions created during the construction of the first sock of this pair, and I am just plain old too lazy to sit and think about what I changed in the pattern. And I've been reading some pretty good books on the bus. Nevertheless, here is the sock in its current state...
While shopping for Christmas presents last week, I was in JoAnn and just had to pick up copies of the newest knitting magazines (it helped that I had 40% off coupons and a gift card), and inside Vogue Knitting's Knit Simple, I ran across a book review for something new from Judith Durant, "Never Knit Your Man a Sweater (Unless You've Got the Ring)." If you are unfamiliar with the Sweater Curse, please read about it here. This is serious business, folks! Bad things happen when items are knit for special men! Thankfully, this new book has plenty of solutions, and I'm actually considering purchasing it, which is certainly not something I normally would ever think of doing (neither purchasing a new book nor knitting something for a man).

Perhaps my interest in the book is due to my subconsciousness's response to a new man in my life. No, I did not get another fish. This man actually is a man, a human. "D" and I met a few weeks ago and have been making our crazy schedules to collide every now and then, and it's interesting and enjoyable, and we shall see what happens. But today is knitting day, so why am I writing about this now? ...D, perhaps unwittingly, scored gigantic points (not that we're keeping score...) by saying while we were wandering around a store, "Hey, there's yarn here - let's go and you can tell me about yarn."

Wait. You want to hear about yarn??? Obviously not, so what I take it to mean is, "Knitting is important to you, yarn is used in knitting. You are important to me, I want to hear about yarn." Aw. I did not, however, acquiesce to his request, since we were in Wal-Mart, and I just absolutely refuse to oggle over yarn at Wal-Mart, because I am a yarn snob.

the christmas waltz

That's a good song. I have a hard time chosing a favorite Christmas tune. There are so many - ones that celebrate the birth of Christ, ones that celebrate the snow, ones that celebrate the gathering of loved ones...all these elements that are so precious to my Christmas in my mind's eye. Here are some thoughts about the Christmas season, with excerpts from a couple Christmas songs.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Outside, not so much - it was 62 degrees F yesterday! Certainly snow is not blanketing the earth... It's been hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit this year, in large part because of the lack of snow. However, little by little things are shaping up. I hung stockings several weeks ago and put up a little tree. This morning I finally dug out the nativity scene I had purchased in Salzburg over the summer (it was still in the suitcase...which means I haven't unpacked the suitcase I used in August...is that bad?). And last week was the departmental holiday party for work.

As the shoppers rush home with
their treasures
Since it hasn't felt like Christmas, I was greatly surprised when I realized last week that there were only 11 days left until Christmas! I had purchased exactly zero presents! And I had sent precisely zero cards! ...Things were looking bad, and the schedule of life wasn't appearing to give me much free time to go out shopping. Instead of trying to figure out how I could possibly manage to combine shopping with some other activity I had in the schedule (hockey and shopping...? church and shopping...? having dinner and shopping...perhaps, although indigestion was a quite possible outcome.), I decided to leave work early on Friday and go out - I was sort of forced to do this, in actuality, because I needed to have many of the items on my list purchased by Sunday, and Saturday was filled with hockey games and work.

I must not have been the only person who thought Friday afternoon shopping was a great idea, because it was packed. For the most part lines were short, but I was glad I'm a big fan of finding a very far away parking spot and walking a long ways to get to stores, because that was what I had to do, and trying to find a "good" spot would have quickly drained all holiday cheer I may have mustered at the time.

The afternoon of shopping turned into a 6-hour ordeal, and I'm not a big fan of shopping to begin with, so by the time I got home, I really felt I knew the meaning of "shop 'til you drop."

the spoils. i even managed to only buy one thing for myself that was completely unnecessary...

But since I really had to get those presents ready for Sunday, I wrapped. In the end, I had a pile of gifts ready to be given to the family my Bible study group adopted through the Salvation Army.We did this last year and now again this year, and it is fast becoming one of my favorite Christmas traditions. It is so rewarding to meet the needs of others, and even the wants of others! Plus...shopping for other people is way easier than shopping for myself, particularly when it comes to clothing. Nothing ever fits me, and I usually stomp out of stores in a rage (not really) - but when items are for other people...I'll do my best, but in the end, it's not my problem.

I even managed to make it to a mall in my shopping excursion. Gasp! They had a delightful little place for children.I sort of wanted to ride on the train, myself.

Caroling, caroling, through the snow
As already stated, we haven't got any snow. And so I suppose it's appropriate that I also haven't gone caroling. I had gotten all excited that I was going to go caroling last Thursday, and that certainly added to my holiday cheer, but then that didn't end up happening. I had somehow messed up the dates of two activities the young adult ministry at my church were planning, and when I showed up Thursday night set to go caroling "in the hood", I was surprised to find that it was not indeed caroling night and it was indeed the night we were going to be helping with the high school students, but for some reason that got cancelled, so it was just a little chaotic instead. Ugh, that's what I get for not going the week before when apparently all of this was announced! Oh well. Sadly, I will miss caroling (which actually was scheduled to be this Thursday) because I will be out playing ice hockey. Well, at least there will be ice there!

out of control

Lots of stuff is changing in my life right now in a variety of areas. Change, in this case, is good, but it's not easy.

Some of the major changes are my "retirement" from a variety of leadership positions related to both school and church. I'm passing on the torch to others so that when I leave the city (oh, please be soon!) the groups I've been helping with will be in very capable hands. It's almost like giving up a baby to someone else - I've put in a lot of time, effort, though, and energy into the groups, and while I embrace the shift of leadership, I find it hard to completely let go.

In essence, I'm going "out of control".

There are good things and bad things to not leading. One of the very good things is not being criticized - criticism is a natural reaction to leaders, and I think it's important for a leader to seriously consider all criticism that he or she receives. That doesn't make criticism any happier to hear, though. Another benefit of not leading is that you are less responsible for dealing with conflicts that arise within the particular group you lead. Already I've seen a new conflict sprout in one of the groups I no longer lead, and I'm so glad I'm not the one who has to mediate the differences. Not leading also gives (in theory) one more time to focus on things in life other than the project being led. This was one major motivation for me to step down from leading one group in particular - I want to devote more concentrated effort to my thesis research in these hopefully last few months of PhD studenthood.

However, with the benefits come difficulties. It's hard to completely let go and allow someone else to go a different route with something one had led for a time. Inevitably new blood brings new ideas and new direction, and such is the way of innovation and progress. However, I find it easy for even the most secure and most detached people to feel a bit of resentment or hurt when a program or concept he or she created or nurtured gets revamped by a new leader. One quickly begins to question if all their previous followers hated the Old Way so much as to so willingly embrace the New Way. The old leader wonders if he or she could have done better and dreams about what might have been if this, that, or the other thing had been done just a tad differently when he or she was leading. And sometimes it gets more personal - ideas that had been offered by the old leader and shunned by the followers but are accepted under the new leadership cause the outgoing leader to wonder if anything he or she said ever spent more than a second between the ears of the followers. It's hard to let go of the power and watch traditions or concepts that had been dear and assumedly vital to the group become abandoned and forgotten. It's hard not to step in and demand, "You have to do this! Because...I said! Because, I know - I led this group for so long, don't you think my experience has taught me anything?"

Not leading is teaching me a lot. It's causing me to trust more and to think harder about how to lovingly convey what I'm thinking when I disagree. In the terms of the Green Lady from C.S. Lewis's Perelandra, it's "making me older."

product review: lip balm

I've been doing many things lately that are highly uncharacterstic of me. One was to attend a "makeup party." Actually, it was more of a spa party. My friend Karen's aunt is an agent for BeautiControl, and Avon-esque company that sells skin care and bath products and makeup. Karen had friends over for a spa night where we tried out a bunch of the products. I managed to pick up a couple gifts for people and will be trying out some of their sensitive-skin face solutions (incidentally, the non-sensitive-skin samples I stupidly tried I think are responsible for the just-at-the-brink-of-breaking-out-terribly state in which my face currently is, which is unfortunate because the next week or so I have many people to whom I'm like to put my "best face" forward). The Therma Del Sol line products, particularly the detoxifying bath, smell absolutely incredible, and other friends who've tried out the bath have said great things about it.

My favorite, however, was the lip balm. Perhaps it was a combination of the Lip Apeel "lip mask" with the lip balm, but whatever the case, I've been completely impressed. I've always been a sucker for lip balms. I have an incredible collection of Lip Smackers from days of yore, and I think I own one of every flavor of ChapStick's Flava-Craze line. In the past couple years I've been trusting a combination of Blistex and Burt's Bees to keep my lips from cracking horribly, especially during the winter. But, I've never experienced anything quite like the BeautiControl lip balm.

I applied the lip balm on Sunday evening after treating my lips with the Lip Apeel stuff (which has a consistency much like that gook orthodontists cram in your mouth to make impressions with...that's not so super - but once it's off, it's as my friend Angie declared: "I feel like my lips should be kissed!"), and to my utter surprise, on Wednesday morning my lips were still feeling smooth and soft. That's despite windy weather, hockey practice, standing out in the evening air, working out at the gym, and taking multiple showers.

Conclusion: I approve. More lip balm should be arriving in my possession in about a week. I'll let you know if I ever withdraw my praise.

getting back in the knit of things

It's been a while since I have really worked on knitting anything... Oh, and I still haven't got a picture of Joelle's stocking! But finally over the weekend I pulled out a work-in-progress and got back to work. I wanted something...relaxing. Something...not too complicated. But something...that wasn't boring. I picked out the brioche bodice.

I started this project...who knows when, with the intent of using it more as a vest than a tank. It's a recycling project - I ripped up an old acrylic/wool sweater that really just didn't suit me save for the color, and now I'm reknitting it into something that does. I was introduced to the brioche stitch a while back in Interweave Knits, and I made my first brioche thing last year - a scarf for a friend (which I found out was recently regifted to one of the children she nannies for, who really loved the pink and purple stripes). I enjoy it because while it really only uses the knit stitch, the yarn still moves around purlwise, so my wrist doesn't get hurt from the repetitive motion as easily. And...it looks really neat! It's a wonderful alternative to ribbing. Progress has been slow, even with the rather big yarn (I think it's something like 3-4 stitches per inch in stockinette - for someone who's been all about socks and worsted weight yarn for a long time, that's quite big).

And speaking of socks, I also dragged out the Retro Rib Sock #2 and am looking at it and contemplating putting more work into it. I am so reluctant to do this because I lost my copy of the pattern, which has all the markings for the adjustments I had made since I'm knitting at a different gauge than the original pattern called for. Continuing this sock will require much Thinking, and I'm not totally up for that yet. I believe a thorough cleaning of the apartment might aid me in finding the lost pattern, so I'm motivated to wait until I do that...which might be a long, long time. Nevertheless, I'm wanting more and more to wear the socks, and wearing only one and a half instead of the complete pair isn't really going to cut it.

...Hm. I was just setting up the socks and vest to take pictures and discovered that my camera has no juice in the batteries. Being the forward-thinking person that I am, I had put an extra set of batteries in my camera case. However, in my infinite brilliance, I apparently put in a set of decharged batteries, because they're not working either. ...Yeah...

Well, instead of viewing pictures, might I ask you to think and give some suggestions for a project I'd like to start? For the past four years I have had a World Vision sponsor child named Minteha who lives in Ethiopia. We're supposed to be able to send letters and flat gifts (e.g. bookmarks, coloring books, etc.), and I've never done so. But I was thinking about Minty last night over dinner and thought it would be nice to knit her something to make up for the many years of "neglect." ...What should I make? She's about 12 years old and lives in a rural village where she goes to school and lives with her parents and younger siblings. Any great ideas?

boofy bunny butt

When I was in high school I had the pleasure of having Mrs. Flynn as my English teacher for two years. Mrs. Flynn was enthusiastic and energetic, and I later found out that she had been a physiology major before she became an English teacher, and that's pretty darn interesting. Mrs. Flynn made her students work hard, but we also played hard with her - every now and then we'd have "tea and crumpets"!

One of the fondest memories of English class with Mrs. Flynn was the introduction of the word "boofy." I'm not positive that this is how it is properly spelled, but being that the word was presented in oral but not written form by Mrs. Flynn, I'm not sure it really matters. (I was, however, able to find it spelled that way via Google. See the picture here.) Mrs. Flynn used this word to describe her appearance: she had boofy hair. I knew exactly what she meant! If your hair isn't stick-straight, has a little bit of frizz and a little bit of wire...then you probably know what she means, too! It's sort of like when your hair...raises itself higher than it normally is.

It's like a combination of "big" and "poofy." I personally believe the word (if it's really a word) stems from "bouffant." The classic Jacqueline Kennedy picture gives the gist - it's just that boofy hair doesn't come from hours of styling - it just happens. Especially when there is a significant amount of moisture in the air.

All this comes into play, because poor Miss Joelle, who has been looking very sorry indeed recently - complete with a poly-collar to prevent her from scratching at the drains inserted into the side of her face for two weeks - finally got a haircut! However, it isn't complete yet. I cut from the neck towards the rump, and when I gave up (Joelle can't stand being groomed for an incredibly long time), she ended up with a bit of "boof" on her behind.


When I pointed this out to her, she gave a sniff and flopped onto her side by her favorite chair - just the perfect angle for me to get a picture of the bunny with a fur tutu!

Observe:
Now, Bethany, that is a very odd looking rabbit!

it's the little things that count

One microliter.

Do you know how much that is? It's 1/1000 of a milliliter. Can't picture a milliliter? A milliliter of water is the "size" of a centimeter cubed. That is not very big. Now, divide that into 1000 parts. That's a microliter.

That's not much at all. Shouldn't matter a single bit, right?

...Wrong.

It is the failure of me to add that one microliter that has made my arrival at the lab at 2:30a.m. a complete and utter waste of time and has deprived me of precious sleep. As part of The Big Experiment being carried out this week (starting yesterday, hopefully culminating tomorrow), I spent 16 hours at the lab, grabbed some LuLu's, let the very bored (made a lovely mess by throwing her litter pan around) and upset (much snorting at the Hand that Feeds) rabbit (at least she's not outright ill) out for about a half hour, and went to bed for a mere three hours. Now I'm back, and as I was working on Step One of the 2:30a.m. part of The Big Experiment, I realized...I had forgotten to add one microliter of monensin to the samples I was working with. Which renders the entire experiment completely and utterly useless.

Smart. I am quite sure I can accurately blame this on the fatigue that comes from 15.5 hours of being at the lab and lack of sleep the night before. But it doesn't make it any more enjoyable. Plus, now I'm stuck at the lab, because I need to be back here at 5:30a.m. anyhow to start working on today's regularly scheduled part of The Big Experiment, so it's not worth driving home, trying to sleep for one hour, and driving back. (Plus, I might lose my parking space. ...AND it's totally freezing outside.)

I'm going to go find a corner in which to curl up...

Doesn't it make you want to pursue a PhD in microbiology?