sheep may safely graze

a garden

2010-02-24T13:40:00.003-05:00

We have a good 8 inches of snow on the ground here in State College, but I am already starting my garden for the year. What an adventure...! It's rather like a grand experiment, except that doing something that others have been doing for a long time, not something novel.

From what I've been reading about gardening and seed-starting indoors and other such topics, it appears that everyone has different results, so the best idea ("scientifically") seems to be to just DO IT and see what works for one's self.

The past two years I have had something of a vegetable garden in a small plot on the grounds of my apartment complex, and last year I did some container gardening on my patio (which turns out to not get very much sunlight, and thus does not produce very great crops). This year I plan to reclaim a spot around the apartment AND attempt to gain access to another plot at a community garden (my name is "in" at two different locations). I've spent hours this winter planning out what to plant, when to plant it, where it will go, and even a little bit of what I'll cook it into. NOW...despite the fact that I only have a true claim on about half of the space I've planned to fill with plants, it is finally time to get started.

On Saturday (February 19) I put my first seeds into "soil" using some Burpee seed-starting kit I got from Lowe's. I'm still rather confused about which seeds need to be in the dark to get started and which don't, but I began by seeding some broccoli and some lettuce, and then I put them in a dark-ish corner of my dining room where it's warmest. On Monday morning...I had my first broccoli sprout!

This morning, I have a total of 5 broccoli sprouts (out of 9 seeds) and 1 lettuce sprout (out of 8 seeds). It is so exciting to see them starting out, and I hope I can not kill them before it's time to get out into the garden! I'm glad that there's always the farmer's market where I can buy seedlings...and even the crops if it comes to that!

a connection

2009-11-20T14:37:00.003-05:00

I really like fall, in case I haven't mentioned it before. One of the things I like about fall are its flavors. I anticipate the arrival of squash and brussels sprouts and "warm" spices like those found in a pumpkin pie. I am always enticed by pumpkin-spice lattes and, as autumn seems to indicate that Christmas-time is here and thus it's appropriate to start selling Christmas-type items in OcToBeR??!, gingerbread lattes. However, here-in lies a problem.

I have noted to myself several times that pumpkin-spice lattes make me feel awful. A stomach ache unlike others I get. Most of the pumpkin-spice lattes I've experienced also seem to taste waxy to me. Waxy is the best I can come up with to describe what I'd otherwise term "like crayons" (not that I believe I've ever eaten crayons. But the taste is the same as how crayons smell). Until this year I have ignored the fact that pumpkin-spice lattes are disagreeable to me, and I've had at least one when fall hits...only to be given another data point indicating that Something Is Wrong with them when combined with my body. I guess I mostly remember the bad taste, and I seem to think that if I try enough versions made using different recipes I'll find one that does not taste like a crayon. Finally this year I took the data into consideration and decided not to further test the hypothesis that pumpkin-spice lattes create a sensation of illness and taste waxy.

However, I did have a gingerbread latte yesterday. I think I've had these before, and perhaps they have been bad and I just don't remember it. But yesterday's left me feeling quite like I'd had a pumpkin-spice latte, although it did not taste waxy in the least. In fact, I really liked it. So I was quite disappointed when I had the just-drank-a-pumpkin-spice-latte feeling afterward!

In my scientific mind, it seems like gingerbread and pumpkin-pie flavoring could indeed have similar ingredients, because they have similar spice-tastes, and I know that gingerbread and pumpkin pie are made using similar spices. So I've tried to figure out what might be causing the problem. I learned something quickly: ingredients lists of flavored syrups will NOT give any useful information about what causes a disagreeable feeling in one's tummy or creates a waxy taste. For example, one list included these ingredients:

pure cane sugar
water
gingerbread flavor
citric acid
caramel color
cinnamon extract

Hm, well...I don't think that water or sugar or caramel color (which is in everything...) would cause me illness. And I have cinnamon all the time, so I doubt that. Thus, the culprit is likely "gingerbread flavor"...which is entirely useless. :-P

Kind of makes one start to think about food chemistry...how do folks MAKE gingerbread flavor. It's just chemicals, I know that. What is the chemical in, for example, ginger that causes it to taste like ginger?

I have concluded that instead of attempting to track down complex organic chemistry formulas of flavor molecules, it will be easier to test the individual spices that theoretically make up the pumpkin-spice and gingerbread "flavors" to see if any create a poor reaction (sounds fun, huh?). So far what I can determine is that cinnamon, ginger, allspice, nutmeg and cloves are what goes into the flavor of these two. I'll give it a whirl, but...one thing I still don't understand is why neither pumpkin pie nor gingerbread in their original non-beverage forms don't give me any trouble at all!! Hm...

waiting and waiting...

2009-10-30T09:36:00.002-04:00

It seems that I'm in an anxious period of waiting currently. Not Joe was informally offered a new job, and now it's been two weeks of waiting for HR at the company to send him an official offer. I'm also waiting for a lot of samples to be analyzed at another facility (although, honestly, I'm not DYING for the results to come back, because I'd then need to analyze them, and I'm already busy with work as it is).

The biggest ache I'm experiencing, however, is anticipation of the harvest season to be over & winter to set in. Don't get me wrong, I want to enjoy autumn and all its beauty and crispness. But I have been storing away food from the summer's harvests, and...I want to start using it! It's somewhat silly - obviously I CAN use it now. But this primal fear in me says, "But what if you NEED that in the winter! Use the fresh veggies now - they won't last for winter!" And it's not as if I don't have a lot of fresh vegetables. My refrigerator is literally packed full of vegetables that won't store anywhere else (unless I had a root cellar...which, being that I live in an apartment, I don't) (oh, and I guess I could can some of it, but I'd rather have fresh carrots than canned carrots, you know?).

This is thanks to the CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) group that I have been a part of this season. The CSA gives me a huge crate of food every week. This experience was rather a snafu. The first time I did a CSA I got a "half-share," which is supposed to feed 2 people who love vegetables - and that was way, way too much for me alone to handle. This year I found a bunch of friends who liked the idea of a CSA, so I went ahead and paid for a "full-share" - enough to feed a veggie-loving family of 4. Guess what. My pals liked the IDEA of a CSA, but they didn't actually want to participate in the paying for or consumption of the food from the CSA. So...I obviously have received a LOT more vegetables than I need. So, it's good that I picked this year to learn how to preserve food, because that was about all I could do with much of it.

I've felt like I've been in a never-ending battle with vegetables. I'd make it my goal for each Tuesday to get all of my veggies eaten so the fridge would be able to accept the new shipment that arrived that day. I kept up with it for a while, and then...well, then I learned that composting is a great way to pay back the earth for the bounty is provided to us from it. If my 10 eggplants from week 1 didn't make it to the end of the week, they'd go in the composter, and I didn't need to feel bad about it at all. Except that I'd intended to pay for the vegetable and not the compost material. Ah well.

So, PLEASE...harvest, stop! I look forward to eating my frozen and canned vegetables en masse with no guilt that I am ignoring the 10 pounds of brassica in the refrigerator! I welcome the day when I can slice open the winter squash that keeps so well in a dark, cool closet, and say, "This is the ONLY OPTION I have! No lettuce, no spinach, no late tomatoes to contend with! I shall consume this squash with no regret!" Come, winter!

moving forward

2009-10-22T11:52:00.000-04:00

There has been a lot of waiting going on here for some time. I've been waiting (and...am still waiting) at work for several people to make some contributions to our joint project and for a bunch of samples to be analyzed. Not Joe and I have been waiting to hear about a job he began pursuing on July 26 (fortunately, it was July 26, 2009, not 2008...).

FINALLY yesterday I heard about two sets of samples that will be getting worked on in the next couple of weeks, and today I am going to work with one of the potential-contributors to see if the machine they're dealing with works or not.

And...yesterday...Not Joe got the job he's been waiting for!!!! We are both very excited. Financial stability (or, at the very least, income rather than expenses-only) is a really nice thing. He's also been self-employed for several years, and the new job will have health care benefits -- I think we're both rather relieved about that.

He's not sure on the start date yet, but at least there's a JOB waiting!!

weather?

2009-10-15T15:41:00.002-04:00

It's been great autumn weather here over the past couple weeks - crisp and colorful. I was just catching the bug to start cold-season knitting.

And then, today...

IT'S SNOWING!?!?!?!!!

birthday

2009-10-12T11:00:00.002-04:00

It's my birthday. So here I am to toot my own horn. :-)

A brief update on me:

I still work at Penn State. I still research the same stuff. It is going okay - slowly, but surely.

I am still dating Not Joe. I hope that soon we will be not-just-dating. Not Joe is looking for a new job because he does not like his current one & there hasn't been much work there anyhow. He purchased a foreclosed home in the late spring or early summer and has been fixing that up to sell at a profit. We hope it gets done soon. Note to self: flipping a foreclosed home by one's self is a lot of work!

Joelle is still kickin'. She's quite fine and is again due for a haircut. Not too long ago she somehow escaped from her cage AND THE DOOR WAS STILL LOCKED. I am not exactly sure how that happened, but I know clamp the door closed at a different angle.

This past year I have grown in my fascination of growing vegetables and preserving them so I can eat "in season." I learned how to can!! Just yesterday I made 8 jars of jam, one of which was made from wild blackberries I picked myself! I learned that if one is to "put up" enough food for a whole winter, one needs to put up A LOT of food. I do not think I will have enough to last the whole winter, but that is quite alright. I dream that some day I can have a "homestead" where I have prolific vegetable and herb gardens, chickens, honey bees, a plot of berries, and a small orchard (and maybe even some goats or sheep or rabbits...??). But for now I will settle for a small step or two, such as...starting a dwarf apple tree & growing sprouts over the winter. I know where to buy the sprout-growing stuff, but I'm not so sure about the tree. I will also note that I believe keeping a homestead will take a significant amount of time - not something that I could do while, for example, being a postdoctoral researcher.

I still knit, although infrequently. Now that the weather is cool again, I'm feeling more motivated to do so. Christmas is coming, so I will need to get on Christmas knit-gifts very soon!

magic bunny

2009-03-15T10:50:00.004-04:00

Hello everyone... To the few of you who read this, sorry I've been MIA for so long! :-( No dramatic, tragic things have occurred, I just have not blogged. Sure, life has been "busy," but it always is. It's more a matter of what I decide to prioritize. Lately, work has been the major priority, and it's amazing how much time one can spend working!

One of the things I've been learning (relearning?) in this season of extreme work is that some of the smallest things have the biggest importance. I've spoken before about cleaning. That's one of them. Still haven't gotten that entirely rooted in my brain yet. Another one is taking care of what one's been given -- and for me right now that includes a) my body (giving it enough rest, quality food, showers, visits to the doctor, etc.) and b) my rabbit, Joelle.

The other night I had some gal friends over for a "tea party" (we...sat around the table and drank tea. Not exactly a party, but it was good) and towards the end we somehow got to talking about Joelle and grooming her. I mentioned that it's possible to put rabbits in a "trance" to work on their bellies when grooming them, and then of course they wanted to see this amazing phenomenon. So I scooped up Joelle and laid her on her back and rubbed her nose, and sure enough her head lolled to the side and she was passed out.

In the midst of this all I realized that she's a big, huge mess. I know she's been matted for a while, but she hates being groomed and I don't like doing it, so we agree to just not do the grooming thing most of the time. But at this point...it was really bad. So after the tea party I spent a good couple hours working away at her major problem areas.

Angora rabbits typically shed their coats several times a year. If one doesn't brush them regularly - especially during the shedding period - the shed hair just gets incorporated into mats. It makes it sort of fun to brush out mats, because if you put a mat rake to a mat made out of hair that's already been shed, huge chunks of hair start just falling out as the mat is destroyed. I find it rather satisfying.

Another aspect of this shed is that if one were to actually groom the rabbit at the appropriate times, they could easily harvest all of that hair that's being shed because it just pulls out. I have never really done this with Joelle for various reasons -- usually I just cut her hair short every now and then. I actually didn't realize quite what this "harvest" meant until lately when I visited this website.

But, on this fateful night, it just so happened that Joelle was shedding, and as I brushed out the tangles behind her ears, her hair just kept falling out and falling out. It was like magic! So, I thought...this would be a prime time to see just what happens when I harvest in the "right" way.

Joelle wasn't a huge fan of this, and we'd already been in grooming mode for at least 1.5 hours -- producing this fine mess...
...so I didn't get far. But...you can see the results:

light

2008-12-21T23:27:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite things about this time of year is celebrating Advent. In the four weeks (or six, depending on which church calendar one is using) leading up to Christmas, I think it's great to take a little time to light a candle, meditate on the weekly themes of Hope, Love, Joy, and Peace (or whichever colors the particular tradition uses).

It's especially nice because this time of year can be really busy. I know it's been true for me this year!!

I learned something new about Advent this year: traditionally, it is a period of fasting and penitence while waiting for the 'coming' (which is what 'advent' means). I feel like the way my world's spinning around so fast, fasting and penitence are the last things I have time for! So I've been grateful for the moments I've taken on the weekends to light the candles one by one and pause for a bit.

The Advent candle lights are just one of the lights I love about Christmas. I enjoy lights on trees, candles in windows, the welcoming glow of a home filled with friends hosting a Christmas party. And a cozy fire.Warmth, cheer, and security are held in light, especially on fReEzInG cold days like today here in central Pennsylvania.

yes, please!

2008-11-26T20:56:00.004-05:00

Drool.

Yarn. Sheep. Needles.

I love knitting!

Actually, considering how much I claim to love knitting, I don't really do much of it. Perhaps what is more accurate, then, is that I love READING about knitting and examining patterns of knitted objects and thinking about what would be fun to knit.

On the cold, snowy night that was Monday I busted out the sweater I affectionately call my Barney sweater. It is the first sweater that I made, and it's VERY amusing. I began knitting because I get sick of having to buy menswear in order to have the sleeves come to the proper place on my arm. Case in point -- the following picture is of me wearing an elbow-length shirt.I didn't know much at all about sweater construction or how to translate a pattern from a bunch of instructions on a piece of paper to the concept of a finished garment. And I guess that is why I decided to add a couple inches to the sleeve pattern's instructions. I don't precisely know why I thought I needed to excitedly begin my first sweater following the largest size on the pattern, but I am guessing it had something to do with the combination of not understanding the concept of ease, not knowing my body measurements, and not shopping for clothes much and thus not knowing my size.

These two decisions proved to be mistakes.

The result was a very large, very acrylic, very purple sweater that has very long sleeves.I'm not able to capture a picture of myself showing just how huge this sweater is, but I'll tell you this: if I roll the sleeves up 3 inches, the sleeves still come down to the knuckle on my thumb. This is in large part because the sleeves are joined to the body of the sweater a good 5 to 6 inches away from my flesh. I suppose that if I were going for oversized, this would be a PERFECT sweater. However, that was NOT what I was going for.

Despite my rather disastrous first sweater experience, I have gone on to make several more, and all fit me quite wonderfully, thanks. Good lesson the first time!

While sitting in Big Barney on Monday, I pulled out an Interweave Knits issue and read an article about Kate Gilbert. Let me put in that what I was supposed to be doing was working on the black socks I'm hoping to have done by mid-December (neither have made it past the heel yet...ergh!). If I would actually take up my knitting even half of the time I spend reading, dreaming, and plotting about knitting, I would have SO much knitwear...! Despite the small number in the Projects-Finished column of my mental spreadsheet-o-progress, I was surprised to find how many of her designs I have in fact knitted. I was also amazed at how many are on my list of things I want to knit. I then decided that I really like Kate Gilbert. Or at least her designs. I'm sure she's awesome, too, but I haven't really ever met her.

A bit more time-wasting led me to the new webzine she and friends have recently begun over at Twist Collective. Yeah. I am eating it up. I like so much about this project. I like most of the projects and love about 75% of them (this is a very large number for me...I am often convinced to buy a magazine if I can find 2 projects I would consider making). I love the graphics - the styling in the photos, the illustrations, the fact that there are multiple angles of garments so we can really see what they look like. I love the articles. I love the fact that it's paperless. And I love the advertisements for Good Things like yarn CSAs and giving small-business loans to women in Honduras. The 'zine isn't perfect, but it has a lot, lot, lot for me to love!

And with that...I think I'll go figure out what yarn I would like to use to make A Cardigan for Arwen.

finally...some (mostly) fo's!

2008-11-19T19:57:00.008-05:00

Nothing inspires me to knit more than the following combination: cold weather, Christmas being on its way, and Harry Potter.

After a long hiatus from productive knitting, I seem to be back in the swing of things. It's chilly here - below-freezing weather 24 hours a day. I finally decided that it was cold enough to turn on the heater. Prior, I had been keeping warm with lots of layers and blankets and slippers and heated beverages. AND this:I'd like to say "AND these," being that typically items that go on one's hands are made in pairs. But I have only made one. And I haven't even really finished it - the pattern calls for some crochet edging...plus I didn't even take the time to weave in the yarn ends. BUT...it's not on needles anymore, and it's wearable. And it's REALLY WARM.

This is actually the left-hand mitt (...yes, I'm wearing it on my right hand...) from the Buffalo Girl pattern in the Interweave Knits Summer 2005 issue. Yeah, I've had that sitting around for a while... This is the mitt that I started four times because I would continually mess up the lace pattern. There's one part of the pattern (the thumb gusset) that I either don't understand or is written incorrectly and had to make up some instructions to get through. All's well that ends well: there is room enough for a thumb, and the thing isn't falling apart. The published instructions should be fine for the right-hand mitt, so I've really done all of the dirty work. ...I just need to start mitt two. This guy is ultra soft and warm thanks to its construction in Frog Tree alpaca. I didn't use nearly as much of the yarn as I thought I would, so I may even have enough to make the companion cowl neck-warmer. Suppose I'll leave that until after the second mitt, though.

So - one item done. What else...

Well, I zoned out of the Harry Potter world for a while and missed a bunch of the news. For one, I missed the fact that there is Harry Potter-inspired sock yarn to be had! I stumbled upon some while browsing a yarn store on my birthday. I actually thought that it must have been for sale for a long time because the choices that were left seemed kind of weird to me, but it seems that Tonks, Dumbledore, Hedwig, Lupin, Harry and Ron (together and separate), and Draco are indeed the choices. I was hoping to find a Hermione...and I felt kind of bad that my favorite colorway was indeed Draco. Anyhow, I also missed the fact that the next movie's release date was significantly changed and is not going to be out anytime very soon. I had told myself I would knit up a Hufflepuff scarf for the movie's release using some black and yellow yarn I've had sitting around for a long time. Then I found out the movie would be coming out in the summer and I decided that I should just knit the scarf anyhow. It's not done yet (and has actually been tossed aside...), but it's coming along. I'm using Alison's "HiP" pattern.
Simple and small seems to have been working, so I also cranked out a little sweater.I need to sew it together, but it's mostly ready to be gifted to someone to use as a Christmas ornament. If I can get my act together (a.k.a. organize my time in such a way that I can get a lot of knitting time in between now and December 25), I intend to have a sweater for several friends using this pattern based off of one from Joelle Hoverson's Last Minute Knitted Gifts.

And in the meantime...some socks!What I end up doing with these will depend a lot on how quickly I can finish them and at what point I run out of yarn. I really like these socks - I'm using some Cherry Tree Hill superwash merino that I got from Ruth's sale and following a slightly-modified version of a toe-up pattern from Charlene Schurch's Sensational Knitted Socks. One sock is being made with yarn coming from the outside of the ball of yarn, the other with yarn from the inside. Most of the sock yarn I have worked with has been self-patterning, and I can't do the inside/outside thing to have two socks going at once that end up matching...but it's kind of nice to do with these particular guys. And I LOVE KNITTING SOCKS!!!! They make a great companion while standing in line for 90 minutes at the polling place on Election Day.

So, that's what I've been doing. Among other things. Like visiting Niagara Falls with Not Joe and another pal (not pictured).

a very great birthday

2008-10-20T17:41:00.003-04:00

Not long ago Not Joe asked me what my best birthday was. I thought hard and realized that my favorite one was nothing flashy or full of "partying." It was my 21st birthday - and no, not because I got trashed at a bar. Some of my dearest friends gave me thoughtful gifts, and then my dad came and picked me up from college when my classes were over and we went to my first Detroit Red Wings game where I got to watch Dominik Hasek play goalie. He drove me back home, I went to bed, and the next day it was Saturday. I'm not sure if in that question Not Joe was trying to get some ideas for something nice to do for me, but if he was I think he probably didn't get much. ...Sorry!

My birthday is October 12, and this year it was on a Sunday. I think that it ranks up there in the top Best Birthdays I've had. I spent the weekend in Pittsburgh because Relient K was playing a concert there on my birthday -- PERFECT! As if that weren't enough, I felt like I was blessed the whole weekend long: Saturday I drove from State College to Pittsburgh through 2.5 hours of gorgeous tree-lined roads, all ablaze in their best fall colors; I spent the day with my dearest friend Michelle and then dined with old pals from the 'Burgh; Sunday I got to go to my old church and hear a sermon that calmed my fears about the crazy stock market; something I had been waiting for for a long time finally occurred; I was served brilliant Indian cuisine by my friend Poonam and received reassurance about some struggles at work while I was at her place; and Relient K played some of my all-time greatest songs AND finished their performance with a encore of "Deathbed," which, since my first hearing of it, I have thought would be amazing to see live (I was right). The drive back to State College took until about 2a.m., but that was okay.

Monday I was gifted with a joint-birthday dinner hosted by a good friend for myself and 2 other pals with birthdays within a week of each other. It was splendid to be served a lovingly prepared meal and play fun games with good folks.

My busy weekend schedule (and the fact that other things were going on Thursday and Friday before my birthday) caused Not Joe to do "his birthday thing" with me the Wednesday before. This entailed getting all dressed up and going to a very lovely Italian place. It was great. He asked me if I felt old now. I realized that I'm 28 and that does seem rather old in some ways. While "being old" at the age of 28 may be arguable, I have to say that I didn't exactly feel young when I got to the Relient K concert; the median age was approximately 14. I often ask myself, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" but perhaps I need to face the facts and conclude that...I am grown up.

:-)

fun with my shoulder

2008-10-01T10:19:00.004-04:00

I began visiting a chiropractor about a year and a half ago. It has been a very delightful experience. The original issue that led me to the chiropractor has been solved through lots of very wonderful and skillful manipulation on the part of "Dr. Josh," but since then other issues have developed. The biggest and most persistent one is with my right shoulder.

I believe that the shoulder issue is mostly due to doing a lot of work on the computer and not doing so in a very ergonomic way. After making a few adjustments to my workstation (which, in many cases, was simply my LAP...certainly not a good way to be doing work for hours on end) during the writing of my dissertation, my problems subsided. However, then I moved away from Pittsburgh and adopted some new bad habits with the computer and also started talking for long periods of time on the phone and endured a lot of stress. The combination of these and probably other factors led me to a morning when I awoke and sat down on the couch and could not bear to put enough pressure on my upper back to get myself off of the couch - my shoulder and neck were in a HUGE amount of pain.

Thus, I found a new chiropractor. She's not the same as Dr. Josh, but she's okay. The shoulder certainly feels a lot better after I visit her. I ought to do some more exercises and stretches to make it so I don't HAVE to go see her to feel all right, but I am admittedly lazy and have not been very diligent in this matter.

Last week I had to cancel my Friday appointment with her, which meant that I went more than 7 days without an adjustment. By Sunday I was in pretty dire straights, so when I went over to Not Joe's to bum around and watch football at the bachelor pad he shares with 3 other guys, the pain had crept further down my spine so my lower back was also hurting. This all made me realize that I should absolutely not sink down into the couch cushions. Instead, I decided to be a good patient and lay on the floor with my legs bent and elevated. It was kind of weird, but it made me feel much better.

Eventually I was feeling okay enough to sit upright, so I carefully settled on the couch. My shoulder still wasn't quite right, but I set to work with some gentle knitting (yes! amazing! i'm knitting something!). I could tell something was just not in the right spot with my shoulder joint. After a few rounds on my circular knitting piece, I slowly lifted up my arm, and there came a huge "POP."

The guys looked over at me warily, and I smiled and said, "Wow, my shoulder feels a LOT better." It did. It felt perfect, in fact.

Not Joe's jaw dropped. "That was your shoulder?!"

It's nice to know that I can amaze guys with my fun joint noises.

knitting nowhere

2008-09-23T10:45:00.003-04:00

Ergh!

It seems that the knitting muse has left me. I am having approximately zero luck with getting anything done. Well, that's probably because I am having approximately zero TIME to work on anything. It's interesting to me how my time is spent very differently with another person being important in my life - namely Not Joe. ...Perhaps I need to start toting my works-in-progress over to his place whenever I go hang out. We do a lot of sitting around talking, anyhow; I might as well knit while doing so.

Regardless of the time issue, there's also the previously mentioned (yes, from way back in July *whimper*) fact that nearly everything I was working on seems to be at a stage where the best option for it is to pull it all apart and begin again. I thought that I could use a quick project to motivate me back into knitting. I chose to make some hand warmers (a.k.a. fingerless gloves) out of alpaca. I adore alpaca, and I knew that fall and winter were on their ways and wouldn't it be lovely to have something soft and warm on the hands when the air became crisp? It's crispy now, but I have no hand warmers. I have started them four times, and then I mess up the simple lace pattern so terribly that the best option is to start all over. Not so cool. To steal a line from Relient K, "They say I've lost my Midas touch, what once turned to gold now turns to rust."

I am thinking I need a Knitting Weekend. Stop doing all the other things I am doing - work, road trips, cleaning my apartment, attacking Joelle's hair, sewing (more on that on another day), more work - and tell myself I have nothing I need to do except knit. ...But it sure is hard to convince me that it's okay to not do all of those other things and be allowed to do something...enjoyable. Wow, what a concept!

reality

2008-09-10T10:14:00.005-04:00

I'm reading a novel. This does not seem to happen very often anymore. The last novel I read was the final Harry Potter book about a year ago. Actually, that may well be the last book I read, period! I pick up books here and there, but very infrequently do I actually get through more than about half of the book before I get distracted or lose interest. Talk about ADD!

Nevertheless, here I am reading a novel. (Although, to be honest, I'm thinking about tossing it aside and not reading any more of it, but that's mostly because the book is bothering me because it's kind of R-rated.) The thing about reading is that it can create a sort of alternative reality. A reader can get so engrossed in what is happening within the pages of the fictitious story that the story seems to be truly unfolding. When the reader is reading, she's entirely into what is happening to the characters. When the reader is not reading, she's thinking about the characters just like she would her friends or family - wondering what they're going to do next, trying to figure out why they acted a certain way... I suppose that's what makes good writing. But it's kind of scary.

While reading my current book, I've been engrossed in the main character's changing relationships with various other characters. I noticed today that I am giving perhaps more of my "reality attention" to the characters' interpersonal relations than my own! Not Joe is in China right now for work and has been gone for the past two weeks. Despite his frequent emails and online chats and calls, it's very different having him not here. In fact, when I strolled in the lab this morning and glanced at the picture of him and me that is on my desk, I felt astounded and bewildered: I'm dating this guy? ...What did I ever do to be so lucky?! I'm dating this guy? Since when do I date people? I only ever have had one boyfriend in my life (yes...I am 27...), and that was eight years ago and really kind of weird and only for three months. I'm dating this guy? He's pretty great. :-)

And...he feels very unreal right now, like just words in an email or on G-chat, like simply a voice on a less-than-perfect phone connection from the other side of the world, like a face in a photograph, like a fictitious someone out of a novel. The unrealness of it brought me the shock: I'm really dating this guy? Truly. Woah. Pinch me. Some part of me is afraid to say it or write it down, because maybe by declaring that I'm dating Not Joe will somehow nullify it, curse it, end it.

The reality of it all is that he is real and we are really dating and he is coming back soon. His flight leaves Beijing in 12 or so hours. He's (presumably/hopefully) sleeping now, and then he'll wake up and get on a plane, and then I'll be picking him up at the airport in State College tomorrow night, God willing. I have been waiting for tomorrow night for the past two weeks. There are many eager questions. What will he say? Will he be dog-tired from the 24+ hours of travel? Will the flights be delayed and I'll end up grumpily waiting in the airport? What will it be like to see him again? What will it be like for him to be tangibly REAL again? Reality is, without a doubt, better than fiction.

Just like in a novel, all I can do is keep trucking along, getting through one "page" after another, letting the story unfold at its own pace. So...I will wait and see what is on the upcoming pages!

So...you want to see? Hee hee. I apologize for my giddiness. I bet it's pretty cute, though.

defining

2008-09-04T10:15:00.006-04:00

This is a little randomocity (that's not really a word), but here goes.

I love words. And over the past week I've been struck with multiple moments of love towards them. Today when it occurred it was enough to send me over here to blog about it.

Every day I receive in my emailbox a note from Anu Garg who publishes A Word A Day. He includes a word, its definition and etymology, and a few examples of its use. Today's word is one I've not heard of before but am entirely grateful that it exists. It's a word that describes something that I find very difficult to put into words: a feeling of resentment and hostility accompanied by the lack of means to express or act upon it. The word is "ressentiment," pronounced Frenchly ruh-san-tee-MAH with the final syllable being nasal. How many times have I felt this way and wanted to say that's how I feel but have been entirely unable to say so?! Wooh! I love words that can succinctly and accurately describe things!

Anu also includes a quote, which has nothing to do with the word. Today's quote addresses a question I've been pondering recently: What is love? (Yes, every time I ask this question the song come into my head... It's a bit distracting.) Here's what essayist Michel de Montaigne has to say about it: "If a man should importune me to give a reason why I loved him, I find it could no otherwise be expressed, than by making answer: because it was he, because it was I." Ah. So sweet. So accurate. Love is not reasonable and is not able to be reasoned, so it certainly cannot have a definition that really is definitive.

My final thought for the day is that there are words that don't exist but we think they do. Just yesterday I was going to write the word "strategery" - you know, cunning, tactical skill, the quality you must employ in order to successfully carry out a good strategy. But...it turns out that it's not a word. So why in the world do I think it is?! Do you know who made this word that is not a word? A fake George W. Bush. James Downey, writer for Saturday Night Live, created it for a skit poking fun at Bush's invention of and misuse of words. Sad thing is, the fake word has actually now been adopted by the White House. Yow. And all of this tricks me into thinking it's actually a word. No fair!

...Can someone explainify that to me!?!

alterations and another mystery

2008-09-03T12:45:00.003-04:00

For Labor Day weekend I set out to finish revisions for a paper I submitted months ago, cut Joelle's hair all off, do all of the dishes, and unpack boxes that have been sitting in my bedroom since I got here in April. I also intended to get a fairly good chunk of work done in the lab.

At the end of the weekend, what I had in fact done was...play the Sims 2 for a good 12 hours, chill with friends on Saturday and Sunday nights and all afternoon Monday, have ice cream and coffee with coworkers, wash half of the dishes, cut about a quarter of Joelle's hair so that she looks rather insane, write about one sentence for the paper and take out about ten sentences, and rearrange all of the furniture in my apartment.

Hm.

The good news is that somewhere in the midst of the half-hearted haircut and the major change in layout, Joelle seems to be making it into her litter box much better. It is also possible that my presence in the apartment (as opposed to the lab) for much of the weekend contributed to her success. I have also been slipping in some raisins and outstanding grapes when she gets treats for good behavior. In any case, something seems to be working.

Back at work, another mystery exists. In the history of my lab's working with my bacterium, there has only been one or two instances where there has been successful growing of the bacteria on what we call agar plates. They're sort of like Jell-o in a Petri dish. My bacteria only grow when there is no oxygen, and they like very specific growth conditions (a.k.a. what's in the Jell-o). Apparently I am not providing them with what they want, because they are not growing. And that is not good.

The question is WHY. There are several possibilities. One is that there is oxygen in the place where I'm trying to grow the bacteria, and that would make the bacteria die. Another is that the agar plates have not been prepared correctly, which could mean that the ingredients are slightly wrong, they got burned in the process of being made, THEY have oxygen in them, or something else. And it is also possible that there is both a problem with oxygen in the growth chamber and issues with the agar plates.

Slowly but surely clues are coming in. First, the chamber that I thought had no oxygen in it seems to in fact have oxygen. It depends on whether I look at the electronic oxygen sensor (which says there isn't any) or at the low-tech oxygen sensing paper strip (which says there IS). I tend to believe the paper strip since when I put excess non-oxygen gas into the growth chamber and overpressure it so that the rubber gloves that are part of the contraption blow up like balloons and stick out, the gloves deflate back to normal pressure within a few hours. This indicates a leak. Not Joe, being a mechanical engineer and rather handy, stopped by the lab and helped me in this investigation and agrees with me that there's a leak. He's funny: he wanted to figure out in which part of the multi-part chamber the leak existed, and he asked if I had a stethoscope so he could listen for leaks. Why in the world would I just randomly have a stethoscope!? Apparently a screwdriver works just as well, because he used that instead and achieved his diagnosis.

Another clue is that agar plates stored in a separate non-oxygen chamber have a high pH. This is bad since the bacteria don't like high pH and will die if exposed to it. What is kind of annoying is that the chamber in which the pH is wrong actually has no oxygen, which is what I want. But since it has nitrogen gas and not the carbon dioxide that would make the agar plates be at a normal pH, it's useless.

I also realized that the previous work done with the bacteria in our lab was performed in a chamber that detected oxygen using the same oxygen detector that seems to be giving erroneous readings in the leaky chamber. That old chamber also had some odd glove pressurization issues, so it's quite possible that it, too, was leaking and had oxygen inside and was killing the bacteria.

So, at least things are starting to make some sense. The long and short of it all is that there are probably multiple issues going on. Now all I need is one simple way to fix all of those issues. ...Getting that simple way is probably not going to be very easy, though!

Thank goodness I took a class in forensic science in college, eh? I'll get to the bottom of this, and hopefully within a couple weeks I'll have bacteria growing AND all of Joelle's bathroom habits contained in one location. Hopefully I will not need to rearrange all of the furniture in the lab in order to do so...!

behavior problems

2008-08-29T15:55:00.005-04:00

My poor Joelle... I think that something is wrong with her, but since she is a rabbit she cannot tell me what the issue is. Thus I must conduct some detective work and attempt to interpret her clues.

me? have behavior problems?

Her behavior has changed since we moved to State College, and that is what has me concerned. The major concern is her use (or lack thereof) of the litter box. In my place in Pittsburgh Joelle had a box in her "house" and another one in the bathroom. She preferred the one in the bathroom, and often when I would come home and let her out of the house she would dash straight away into the bathroom. When I moved to State College I set up a box in the bathroom and showed it to her and even laid out carpet leading up to the box so she would not have to put her furry paws on the slippery tile. However, she has yet to use that box. In addition, not too long after I moved (within a month) she started using other parts of her house instead of her box as the place to pee. This is the most troubling part - and the most annoying. After a couple incidents that first month she's been pretty good, but in the past month she's been pretty consistently leaving spots in the corners that are not where her litter box is. I don't quite know what to do. One day this week I got exasperated and shoved the bathroom box into the house, also...leaving pretty much no room to do much of anything except sit in a litter box. That stopped the peeing-not-in-the-box thing. For about two days. Now it's back and apparently is spreading to any corner she wants.

The peeing is concerning enough, but also in the past week I have caught her chewing up the fabric on my footstool (Curses!!! That's a discontinued slipcover color, naughty rabbit!!) and digging at the carpet near the glass slider (trying to get outside???). She's just been acting WEIRD!

Several possibilities come to my mind:

The apartment is smaller than the one in Pittsburgh, so maybe she feels cramped
I am not home as much as I was in Pittsburgh, so maybe she is lonely and bored
Her hair is a big huge matted mess, so maybe she is feeling miserable about being unkempt
Moving probably stressed her out a lot, and maybe that and all the other things have just put her over the edge

Now...what do to about any of those things?

I could add on to her house and/or rearrange the furniture to make it seem more roomy (or move to a bigger place...haha, not really)
I could get another rabbit, although that would make it even MORE cramped!
I could terrorize her by cutting off all of her hair so she's clean again, or I could even pay a lot to have the vet do it while Jo is sedated (this seems like a very tempting option...although the since rabbits are tricky the anesthesia scares me and I feel kind of like it's a cop-out and that I'm a bad mom who can't brush her own kid's hair and that it costs a lot)
I could do yoga with her...? Or see if there's bunny Prozac. Or maybe at least do some cuddle sessions, although she doesn't really like cuddling

I suppose I'll try the easier ones first and see what happens. Any thoughts?

on campus

2008-08-27T17:40:00.003-04:00

Not only are students prevalent these days on the Penn State campus, the regulars are here, too. All summer long I've been greeted day in and day out by rabbits and squirrels bustling about in the grass and underbrush. These things are the tamest wild animals you can imagine. They can be pretty funny, too: one day Not Joe and I were walking down a path when all of a sudden a trash can started making noise - and out popped a squirrel!

One of the other graduate students in the lab told me that there's a "legend" about the squirrels and rabbits. They are reportedly reincarnations of devoted alumni who now get to live out their days on the university campus they hold most dear. I like this tale simply because it gives an explanation for the 5-toed paw print that is one of the emblems representing the Penn State Nittany lion. I had been befuddled by this print for some time because felines do not have 5-toed prints. In fact, when I looked into it, only small mammals such as minks, otters, and RABBITS and SQUIRRELS have 5 toes showing up in their tracks. So, there you have it - the 5-toed print is actually that of the Penn State alumni-turned-lawn-crawler!

I was astounded the other day on my walk back from Afternoon Coffee to see another wild animal casually hanging out on campus, fittingly seated on a branch in a tree in the Peace Garden.Way cool! I love my neighbors here on campus!

school's on

2008-08-25T09:31:00.002-04:00

Woah.

I moved here to Penn State at the end of April, which happens to be the end of the school year. I watched undergraduates dragging their feet and begrudgingly going to final exams. And then they were gone - SUMMER!

But now... Now, my friends, they are back. And with a vengeance!

Suddenly the population of the town of State College roughly doubled. What was once a sleepy town is now bustling. Traffic has picked up in all senses of the word: there are more cars, buses, bicycles, and pedestrians. Part of me thinks I ought to start getting up earlier and reaching campus before it becomes too crazy in the mornings (another part of me really likes to sleep).

It will take some adjusting, to be sure. Also what is sure that, despite the fact that busy-ness around me can be a bit stressful and annoying, I am glad that the "kids" are back in Happy Valley. It just seems right.

not joe

2008-08-08T00:38:00.004-04:00

Well.

Back in January I received some flowers from Trader Joe's when I shopped there for the first time. So thoughtful and lovely. They brought a wonderful touch to my apartment.

But now Joe is gone...no Trader Joe's in State College. No real hope of getting any more flora from him.

However, here in State College there is someone even better. Much better than the individual to whom I wrote an unsent letter to last week... And from this Not Joe, I received these yesterday...I agree with Herman: "Something tells me I'm into something good."

Just had to share. :-D

knit love

2008-07-31T10:30:00.002-04:00

Despite what it may have sounded like from my most recent post, life is good. Real good. Really, really good, in fact. There are some bumpy spots, but all in all life's a great thing.

Today I got a message on Facebook (yes...I have become One of Those...) telling me that someone was giving away ice cream bars as part of a promo for a bioreagent supply demonstration. Since I wasn't doing anything at all except sipping coffee, I went over and checked it out. As I meandered across the courtyard to the appropriate location, I thought, "Now...this is IT. Simple pleasures. The fact that I can get all excited about the prospect of free ice cream...that's great!" It is. Got to take the blessings and gifts that are given and receive them with thanks.

Another simple pleasure that has been sorely lacking in my life over the past several months is knitting. There has been a little bit here and there, but nothing major. It's sometimes very humiliating for me to read others' knitting blogs and see them whip out socks and sweaters and baby hats and all sorts of stuff. They get more finished objects in one week than I do in a year. I've pondered why exactly I am not knitting as much now. Was I just a fad knitter? I've heard that yarn stores are closing their doors by the hundreds because the interest is just not there anymore.

I think I'm not a fad knitter. I think there are several things that are keeping me from my wool. The first is that I wrote a dissertation, moved, started a new job, and went on a 2-week international journey in the matter of a month and a half to start out the summer. The second is that there are a lot of new demands on my time. The third is that I have only a 5 minute bus ride to work instead of the previous 30 minute one. The fourth is that I am not terribly intrigued by any of the items I currently have on the needles.

What are those items, pray tell, since I never write about them anymore? Well, there's a vest/tank thing made in brioche stitch. I don't actually know where this is located in my apartment at the moment, so it would be kind of hard to do any work on it. There's a pair of socks, but after forgetting to bring the directions for the heel (and it was a new type of heel for me) when I went on a road trip and subsequently knitting a much longer heel flap than anyone would ever need, I have concluded that I am going to rip the whole thing because I was not really liking it that well to begin with and if I'm makings socks for myself I might as well like them. I had pretty much finished a hat (about seven months ago...or more...) but now would rather use the yarn for something else, so that's probably going to get ripped, too. And I had started a sweater with some sweet yarn, but now I have no idea why I ever liked the pattern and think I will rip that out, too. That leaves me with a cabled raglan, which I like quite well actually. I have finished the chest/shoulder part, so now most of it is just stockinette in the round and that goes quite quickly. But then I found out that I had messed up some of the cables very minorly...and I'm not entirely satisfied with the way the increases turned out along the shoulders... Maybe I'll rip that, too, because I don't entirely love the neckline either and believe I could improve it, and I think there's some inter-dye-lot funkiness going on that I did not anticipate. That stinks, because I spent a lot of time on it.

In any relationship there's that "hey, this is cool and new and great!" time...and then that wears off. I think that's where I've gotten with the knitting. Our relationship is not over, it's just lost some of that novelty. ...We are finished with the honeymoon...

I think I need a shot in the arm! Something that's quick and useful and fun to make. ...But what?? I guess that if worse comes to worse, I could try my hand at this. Quick. Fun. ...Useful? Hee hee.

...But I'm open to other suggestions.

choice

2008-07-30T10:37:00.004-04:00

Attitude, as I've written before, is a choice. And today I know that I have a choice to be happy or sad or angry...and I am choosing to be angry.

I have admired the work of Alanis Morissette for a while - particularly Jagged Little Pill and Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie. One of the songs that has stuck with me for many, many years is "Unsent." It seems like many a blogger has blogged an unsent letter, and here is mine for today...written to the long-lost D in case you wonder... Got some news yesterday that has been confirmed, and it turns out that...well, some of Alanis's lyrics are perfect:

Dear You,
There seems to be a pattern in my life, and I don't think it's entirely my fault. We are all attracted to weird things. "I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves." You happen to fit this definition precisely. I realize that I am to blame for being attracted to that, but you are to blame for lying. That is really, really mean, and it is very, very hurtful. I wish that you would realize that, and I wish that you felt bad about it. But I cannot make either of those things happen. I can, however, make some choices. I choose to forgive myself for being attracted to such weirdness. I choose to forgive you for being so mean, even though you may never be sorry. I hope you have a lovely life with your soon-to-be-wife whom you were seeing while you were flirting with me and making me confused. Wait, that wasn't very sincere. ...I choose to really mean that, now: I do hope that your life is blessed with wonderful things and that you change the world with your intelligence and passions. You're a pretty good person, all in all.
That is it. Signed,
Me

silver and gold

2008-07-18T09:15:00.002-04:00

I have been extraordinarily blessed in my move to State College to have met some really great people and to have quickly become good friends with a couple of them. I spend time with one friend or another pretty much every day. Nevertheless, some days are really hard and seem almost lonely, despite my being with other people. The reason is that, even though these folks are "friends," I have only known them for about two months, and that is a far, far cry from the friends in Pittsburgh whom I have known for 6 years. I know that friendships take a long time to develop and mature, but living in the microwave-age, I really dislike that and wish that I could somehow zap deep friendships into being and make six-years-worth of friendship be squooshed into two months and give quick results!

That is why I have to remember my "gold friends" - the ones who have been around for three, six, fourteen years! They know my personality, likes and dislikes, modus operandi, and history. I don't have to give them the back story just to get them to understand the situation at hand. They bring normalcy and familiarity and acceptance, and that means comfort.

At the same time, I'm realizing that gold friends don't become gold friends until they've already been "silver friends." Silver friends have a shininess because they are new! That's exciting! But they need to be polished quite a bit. Polishing is all a part of the process, unfortunately. It's hard, but it's good in the end.

Make new friends
But keep the old
One is silver
And the other's gold

dinner parties

2008-07-16T08:54:00.003-04:00

The term "dinner party" seems so grown-up and stuffy to me. But man, oh man - do I enjoy them, as I have recently discovered.

In my move to State College I realized that it was high time I make it a point to build relationships with people. To be fair, I guess I have been doing this for a long time, but now it was time to step it up a level: be hospitable. I've been getting really good at meeting people for coffee...but certainly never in my home. Part of the reason for this is that I am a chronically messy person and my home is rarely in a presentable state. But...with a new place to live and a large bedroom in which to throw all of the clutter when people are going to come over, it is now more possible. ...And maybe, just maybe, I'm learning (through exciting experiences like The Fire...) that cleanliness and organization are important things and worth the effort.

About 10 months ago I drove with a friend to a place in West Virginia, and during our travels I complained about how there was no time for other people even though I wanted to be with them and build friendships. She pointed out that everyone needs to eat and suggested that eating with someone else would be a practical way to spend time with others but not terribly cramp my schedule. ...Very wise. Now, finally, almost a year later, I'm taking her advice!

I still haven't perfected this, because even though it seems easy enough to just eat and split, it seems like eating with another person or two automatically means that the meal will last at least twice as long as normal. I haven't done exact calculations, but the length of the meal-time seems to be directly mathematically correlated to the number of people in the dining party. My best guess is that one additional person makes the meal 2-times as long, and for each additional person I can plan to tack on about 15 minutes. ...So, for a party of 8, a meal that would normally take 45 minutes suddenly becomes a 3 hour ordeal. Fortunately, I only own 6 chairs, so the maximum time for a meal in my apartment will only be 2.5 hours, and that's not nearly so bad...although it still certainly wouldn't work if the goal was to still have a night left afterwards for being productive.

Another part of dinner parties that I have yet to perfect is the fine art of making everything be warm when it gets to the table. What I've read suggests that with a bit of planning one can time the cooking of all dishes in the meal to be done at about the same time and thus all be warm. I like this idea because I love planning and find it an exciting and fun challenge to figure out how I can coordinate all of the cooking steps to beautifully work together. I run into a few problems because my lack of cooking experience means that I often grossly under- or over-estimate how long it will actually take to prepare certain dishes, but I'm getting better as I cook more often. There are a few other tricks I've picked up along the way, including selecting dishes that are fine to sit in a warm oven without shriveling up or that retain their heat nicely. But one thing that foils my plans is the people. As usual, the one aspect I cannot control is the people... Will they arrive on time? Will they dawdle when I call them to the table? Will they "thoughtfully" bring something else to add to the menu that I then need to do final preparations for? Never know.

The funny thing with all of this eating-together that I've done here in State College is that...even though I wanted to have an activity that didn't at all mess up my schedule and dining together takes so much more time than dining solo, I find that I actually still have all the time I need to accomplish everything that is important. And slowly but surely I am able to value the time with the people much, much more than my own agenda.

mean girls

2008-07-10T16:42:00.004-04:00

This past weekend I finally got around to watching the movie Mean Girls. I thought I would like it because Tina Fey wrote the screenplay and I like high school social antics. I enjoyed it. It was a good reminder that there's something in us females that makes us more than just a little bit bonkers sometimes, particularly when it comes to dealing with other people...especially other females.

It all reminded me of a story...

Once upon a time I liked a guy, and the guy liked me. I soon found out, however, that the last girl the guy had dated was now really serious with another guy...and the guy I liked was rather upset by the whole thing. I then found out that the guy I liked was largely upset because the girl had been mean and hurtful and kind of crazy. At least that is what he said. Well, he didn't say she was kind of crazy...I got that on my own based on her reported behavior and words. A mean girl towards guys. And she probably didn't intend it, but it happened. And I understand how a girl can really hurt a guy and yet not really know it, because...girls do that. It's unfair that mean girls can go from hurting one guy to being serious with another one while the victim gets left alone. And that injustice is indeed how the guy I liked felt.

I hadn't ever met this girl. I realized she wasn't an altogether evil troll, but there was a distinct gruffness towards her because of how affected the guy I liked was in the aftermath of her mean-girlness. And then I saw a picture of her. Out of some very ungood part of me came the following thoughts: "Ew. She's not even that pretty. The guy I like would be getting a WAY better deal by being with ME compared with if he got stuck with HER. I hope she sees us some day - I bet she'd feel really stupid that a hot girl like me ended up with the guy she was so trashy to. And I hope all of her friends who she told that the guy I like was so bad will see us too and realize that he can't possibly be so bad if he's got a great girl on his arm. Justice shall be served!!!"

Yes, yes, there's quite a bit of vanity in those thoughts as well as some level of twisted jealousy and judgment and pride. But the point isn't to tell me how yucky I am in my thoughts - I already know that. The point is that I, too, have some mean girl in my heart. And don't we all.

And I also like to believe that I'm not the only one woman who has some inexplicable sliver of desire to be something of a "trophy wife," for better or for worse. Be honest. It is weird, I know, but it is true...

The more ironic part of it all was that after I thought all of those things, I realized that the girl would NOT in fact feel at all embarrassed or guilty for hurting the guy I liked just on account of my pretty face next to his. What she actually would think is, "Wow, what a trashy ho! Flashing her beautiful self all over and seducing that poor, stupid guy. I knew he was a shallow loser."

So...we can't win. When we try to be mean to another girl, the girl is just mean back to us and we're no better off than we were to start with - perhaps, even, we're worse because now we feel even worse.

The trouble is comparison. We girls always want to be better, prettier, smarter, thinner, kinder, cleaner, whatever than the other girl. Why do we DO this? Is it simply insecurity? Does a girl not realize that no matter what she does someone will always be something-er than she is and that somebody else will always be wishing to be something-else-er so to be more like her?

It is a problem, and I haven't figured out any way to fix it other than ignoring all other messages other than what Jesus tells me: He loves me more than anyone ever, ever, ever will and thinks I'm awesome the way I am!

ugly baby

2008-07-09T10:32:00.003-04:00

I am grateful for the internet and the tools it provides to keep in contact with people who are far away. All of these "social utilities" and "networking" websites can get a little crazy, but really...they do have some use and have been especially helpful for me as I move to a new place and as other friends have moved to other places. It's good to keep in contact with people. But the other beauty of the internet is that one is able to keep ENOUGH distance from the semi-uncomfortable situations of friends.

For example...

Lots of people are having babies! An old pal of mine recently had her first child. A bouncing baby girl. Old Pal is obviously very exciting, and since it is the First Child, Old Pal's social-networking-website is suddenly flooded with pictures of the baby. And people post their comments. All of the typical things, "So cute" ... "Beautiful" ... "Looking good."

But, folks, let me just tell you...this baby is NOT cute. Okay, okay, so maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I have no doubt that Old Pal a.k.a. The Mom thinks her newborn is the most precious thing ever. But...no. Call me critical and insensitive, but there is no part of me that thinks First Child is cute, sweet, adorable, anything like that. Just...weird-looking.

This is where being in contact only via internet comes in handy, because...I am not obligated to add my comment to the photo gallery. If I were by Old Pal's side and visiting First Child in their home, I would be forced to think of something savvy to speak. "What a unique baby you have!" "She's so special." "I've never seen anyone like her!" Can't lie, you know. And face-to-face it's just not right to say nothing. New moms, I think, feel quite offended when their galfriends don't say anything praiseworthy of their new bundle of joy. But...since all I am doing is viewing photos online in the comfort of my own living room...I don't need to say anything at all.

Whew.

I do hope that the poor First Child grows out of this weird-looking-baby stage (and soon). Then I supposed I could say, "Wow, she looks even cuter now!"

tall

2008-07-08T16:28:00.003-04:00

I cannot remember ever being short. I have always been tall. I've stopped growing, and for the past 10+ years I've been 6'0". As I was growing up, I jokingly but semi-seriously said that it was "my goal in life" to be 6-foot. I made it! Unfortunately, what seemed like such a cool thing at one time turned out to be not quite so great once I got there. For example, it's kind of hard to find jeans or other pants that are long enough. And it's not just my legs that are long - so is my torso and my arms, so it's also hard to find shirts that cover my tummy and sleeves that reach down to my wrists. In a lot of ways, I grew up wearing what's in fashion now: cropped pants, 3/4-length sleeves, and midriffs. But...they weren't in fashion then, so it was not really very enjoyable.

Recently, various circumstances have made me feel really uncomfortable about being tall. Being tall sometimes makes me feel like there's something wrong with me...and that I make others feel strange when they're around me and that other people wish I weren't towering over them. I read an article by Zoe Williams in the Guardian, and she described some of that weirdness as "feelings of unfeminine giantitude." Here, here.

This afternoon I left work quite early because I've been feeling dead tired and I needed to just get away and rest. Not sure that I really accomplished that goal, but somewhere along the line as I lay on the couch I realized that sometimes I wish I were not so tall. And that struck me, because it's not so good to not like the way I am, particularly if it's not something I can do anything about.

And so I thought...maybe a big part of my uncomfortableness is simply due to the fact that I am not okay with me being ME, which includes being 6'0". I think there are a lot of times that I try to seem not so tall - a strange, almost unconscious apology for the way I am. I tend to slouch. I lean against things when I am standing up and talking to short people. If there's nothing to lean on, I sit down or step back so as to decrease the angle at which heads need to be bent to make adequate eye contact. These tendencies are especially true when I am around men. I also don't wear heels, but...I don't think they're very good for one's posture, so I'm not sure that this choice really has much to do with my height.

But you know what? Never has anyone ever complained about my being too tall to talk with or play games with or eat with or even dance with. Nobody has ever said, "Hey, could you please sit down, it's scaring me that you're a foot taller than me!" And I would never think to suggest to a short person, "Why don't you stand on this box while we converse, because I can barely see you down there" -- that is just RUDE and also demeans they way that they naturally and uncontrollably ARE.

So...why am I so hard on myself?

I think it's high time I live comfortably in my entire 6 feet. No apologies. I think that just as some women feel ashamed about their natural beauty and thus hide it, I feel ashamed to show my height...which is actually something a lot of women really admire and/or desire. I'm taking little steps to come to grips with my height: a couple weeks ago I even went so far as to actually purchase some cropped pants (as opposed to the full-length pants that only come up to my shins, which is what ended up happening when I was a kid...).

Being comfortable with one's self is often easier if one knows she's in the company of others. So...who else out there is six feet? Well, here's a list of some folks you may know. For better or for worse, they're my height...

Lots of actors, including Leonardo DiCaprio, James Van Der Beek, Val Kilmer, Luke Wilson, Shane West, Christan Bale, David Duchovny, Denzel Washington, Jimmy Fallon, Steve Martin, Hank Azaria, Matt Dillon (too bad it's not Matt Damon; he's only 5'10"), Jason Bateman, Harrison Ford, John Travolta, Tom Hanks, Laurence Fishburne, Rowan Atkinson, Bruce Willis, John Stamos, Matthew Perry, and even both Mark Paul Gosselaar AND Dustin Diamond.
Superman on t.v.: both Dean Cain and the original - George Reeves!
A wide variety of musicians: Josh Groban, Vanilla Ice, Elvis Presley, Boy George, 50 Cent, Justin Timberlake, Neil Young, Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees, Barry Manilow, Frank Zappa, Tim McGraw
Presidents (and an interesting combination, at that): John F. Kennedy, Richard M. Nixon
Another politician: Tony Blair
People you may find humorous: Dave Chappelle, Jeff Foxworthy
Movie directors: Oliver Stone and Michael Moore
Some of my favorite people ever: Wayne Gretzky and Charles Schultz

And some neat-o women, too!

Miss America 1945 Bess Myerson
Actresses Allison Janney, Kristen Johnston, Terry Ferrell (Dax on Deep Space 9), Geena Davis, and Brooke Shields.
Models like Elle Macpherson (with whom I also happen to share 2 of 3 curve measurements...we'd be identical except that I have a big, huge butt)
Cool people like Maya Angelou
even Mary Queen of Scots!

Not too bad. I like of like the kindred spirits of the 6-foot persuasion...

I guess it's not so bad, after all!

how knitting helped me get through grad school

2008-07-02T10:14:00.004-04:00

I am always amazed how little things that I don't even think of come into my life and end up making a very positive difference in unexpected ways.

As I was standing in the lobby at work the other day waiting for the elevator, I browsed the job postings stuck on the bulletin board. One advertised a laboratory position with a group I know back in Pittsburgh. The qualifications included general biology competence, but also something that caught me off guard: manual dexterity.

I don't exactly know what "manual dexterity" means in that particular lab group, but it made me think of the work I performed in my doctoral studies. A large part of what I did involved holding delicate tissues with forceps (a.k.a. tweezers) and using teeny tiny scissors to cut out circles of tissue parts that were about 5 millimeters in diameter. I suppose that involved some degree of manual dexterity.

In general, I don't consider myself to be extraordinarily coordinated. I cannot dance to save my life, I drop things rather often, and I typically have at least two cuts or bumps on my body at any one time. But, I CAN knit. And when I knit, I use both of my hands and pretty much all of my fingers, and they all need to work together. I also like to knit socks, and that involves handling very fine yarn and very thin knitting needles. FIVE very thin knitting needles, to be precise.

I sense that my knitting helped to build my "manual dexterity" and improved my ability to cut out minuscule tissue parts. And besides all of that, knitting proved to be great stress relief and a refreshing mental challenge all at the same time. A great recipe for an enjoyable and productive graduate career! Thus, the moral of the story is that every graduate student...ought to knit.

:-)

something about honduras

2008-06-16T11:33:00.004-04:00

I really, really, really must write something about Honduras. I have been procrastinating in a lot of areas, such as making corrections to a journal article, stopping to take time for myself, and getting sleep...and writing about Honduras. May as well at least do one of those finally!

One of the many lessons I learned while in Honduras was about poverty. One of the many lessons I learned when I returned back from Honduras is how people think they understand poverty. I don't think anyone truly understands it. If they did, I don't think it would exist because people would work hard to prevent it, stop it, and reverse it. Here's my experience with it:

My team and I traveled to La Acequia, Honduras, which is about an hour and a half bus ride from San Pedro Sula. It is in the middle of a flat, dry valley of fields and is surrounded by some of the most gorgeous mountains I have ever seen - very lush and perhaps even more beautiful than those in Whistler or Banff or even Austria. La Acequia itself is pretty flat and dry, too. As we drove from San Pedro out to La Acequia, I saw loads of homes shoved into any available space by the road. Homes, I should mention, consisted usually of about a 10 or 12 foot square edifice, usually with a little bit of a covered porch area, all roofed with tin. Some of the homes had poured concrete walls. Many had walls made of additional pieces of tin tied together, or whatever other materials had been fortunately gathered. Most homes had a curtain for a door. A few homes had a window or maybe two.

La Acequia itself is filled with these homes, probably about 300 of them. Within this community there is a range of wealth, which is an incredibly strange thing. It is strange because even the "rich" people...are not at all rich. Even the rich families pretty much have just enough to get by when they're lucky. The longer I stayed there, the easier it was for me to adapt to this jaded view of wealth. It seemed like there were some pretty well-to-do families there. They could usually buy bottled water, they had food, they had few leaks in their roofs, their clothes had few holes or stains. And somehow this became the picture of "wealth." ...What then, of people who could afford to ride on airplanes and had clean clothing every day and brought along digital cameras and had air conditioning and wore shoes? Extravagance.

Two interesting things happened one day that snapped me back to the reality of the situation. I had spent the week in La Acequia and had not experienced any other areas of Honduras. On Saturday we took a day trip to San Pedro Sula to buy some additional supplies and check email. On the bus ride back (P.S. the "bus ride" means sitting and/or standing on an old school bus that drives along unpaved roads) we rode through Naco. La Acequia is kind of a suburb of Naco, Naco being probably about five times its size. Naco had many markets and other symbols of slightly more wealth. However, as I gazed out the window, I realized that people here still wore entirely donated clothing. You can tell because there are all sorts t-shirts that say something about so-and-so's high school spring dance or the 8th annual Bingo tournament...all in English and with American cities. Even with this "wealth"...the people could not afford their own clothing. The second interesting thing that really stabbed me in the heart was that as we paused in Naco to pick up some more passengers, Phil Collins' voice came out of the speakers of the radio, "Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you and me in paradise."

I just about bawled.

I realized that the poverty I saw was not just in La Acequia. It wasn't that we had stumbled upon a tiny, secluded, poor rural village. We were in the middle of an ENTIRE COUNTRY that was poor. It was kind of strange to think that I could travel for days and not get to ANYWHERE that was even near rich.

It's a bleak picture, poverty. And yet there is a lot of good, even in desperate situations. People enjoy their families. People enjoy each other. People laugh. Children play. There are celebrations. Life is more basic, which in my opinion can be good - although quite admittedly a lot more work. For example, every day our hosts would bake tortillas. First they needed to find firewood and then build up the fire. Then make the tortilla dough, and finally form the tortillas and bake each one on the stovetop. And every day they made probably 100 tortillas for the household to eat. I learned how to make them, and I made about 5. One I dropped in the dirt when I tried to form it. In all, making 5 took me about 15 minutes. I was told that one tortilla could be sold for 1 lempira, and 19 lempira are one US dollar. I would not be making very good money if I were selling tortillas in Honduras... The point, however, is that there is a lot of work needed to meet the basic needs of everyday life. It's a lot more eco-friendly that way, as far as energy use goes.

What has bothered me the most now that I am back in the States is what I hear so many people saying when I tell them about the poverty. Time after time after time I hear them say - no, rather ASK, as if they're seeking a confirmation from me, seeking someone to reassure them in their apathy - "They're poor, but they are still happy even though they don't have much, right?" I think what they mean is that the poor people are not entirely hopeless, that people still tell jokes and have fun. Well, sure. And in a lot of way I think they are more content than all of us complainy rich people who always need more more more, newer newer newer, faster faster faster. These US folks nod in a satisfied manner when I admit it, and then they go on their merry lives feeling good about themselves and not having to worry about the poor people because poor people still can be happy. So the US folks will just continue being content sending a few dollars here and there to poor people (and at the same time donating thousands to research aimed at stopping diseases that kill only a small fraction of the people who are dying in the world...) and thinking they're really doing their part by providing so much.

But that's not really what makes someone...filled. Smiling now and then, having money...neither of these can make anyone joyful. That's exactly what the US folks are pointing out with their rude question: even though the poor folks don't have money, they're still finding some happiness. But what they fail to also recognize is that, just like money, felicity does not complete a person. A person can laugh and joke and party as much as they'd like, but that is not what fulfills them.

One lesson I learned about the complex problem of poverty while I was in Honduras is that true poverty is when people have no purpose or ability. The friends I made in La Acequia...they have dreams. They want to do something. They are intelligent, they desire to learn, they want to fix some of the problems with the natural resources in their town, they want to impact their community and maybe even world. But the tragedy is that they CAN NOT. The resources are not there, the ability to carry out their purpose is not available. This is a separate tragedy than a similar phenomenon observed in wealthy nations -- where people who can do whatever they want to simply DO NOT. This is, in my opinion, self-inflicted poverty. There's not a whole lot I can do to help that. But there is a LOT I can do to help people who have the desire but not the resources. In that way, I - and everyone - can make a difference in the problem of poverty. It won't solve the problem, but it will make a difference.

hot...but not stupid!

2008-06-09T19:43:00.005-04:00

It's REALLY hot.

It's 7:50p.m., and it's 86 degrees F outside. The high today was 90.

Technically, this is cooler than it was in Honduras. However, it certainly feels hotter. Partly because of the humidity - Honduras was much more dry heat and sometimes reminded me of a sauna; here it feels like any moment it could downpour, and I really wish it would. I think it also feels hotter than Honduras because this is PENNSYLVANIA and not Honduras and what is the weather doing being so incredibly hot in Pennsylvania?

The shops downtown (downtown being the two streets directly across from the University) are having lots of fun sales. The optical store is having two sales: the "It's so freaking HOT" sunglasses sale and "I'm squinting at the optical store sign" sunglasses sale. I don't quite get it either, that's just what the signs said. I also walked by the Corner Room restaurant which had a large sign telling passers-by that it's too hot to cook at home, come in and eat in their air conditioning.

And speaking of air conditioning...

That is what is lacking in my apartment at the moment. I'm thinking that it hasn't worked at all since I moved in, but I tend to not run the A/C unless I have to, so I hadn't really used it until it got unbearable with the 90+ days this past weekend. The beauty of living in an apartment is that when something doesn't work, you just call and tell someone and they fix it. So I called about the A/C problem today.

In the lab where I did my graduate work, there was a saying amongst my coworkers that once one gets his or her PhD, he or she tends to lose all common sense and can't think intelligently like most people. I promised them that I would try my darndest to not do that. I don't claim to always know everything, but I try to at least not disregard lab safety, University rules, and federal laws as some people I know seem to think they can do just because they have a PhD. I think that my coworkers' insights are an exception to the more commonly held view that PhD's are exceptionally bright. I'm not saying that either of those opinions are entirely accurate. However, sometimes I wonder if the random people who communicate with me would treat me differently if they knew I had a PhD. They might think that I know kind of what I'm talking about, give me a little credit. Maybe they wouldn't tell me ridiculous things like the person who came to check on my air conditioner today.

I got home from work after my stroll through HOT downtown and HOT residential neighborhood and HOT shopping area and was happy to find that there was a note under my door indicating that someone had indeed responded to my service request. That was quick! Good! The poor Angora rabbit with way more hair than any innocent animal should be expected to have when it's 90 degrees outside (Joelle) really deserves the decency of a semi-controlled climate even if her owner can get by in the heat by just closing the shades and taking off her clothes. But as I read through the note on the service report, I realized that it was going to be yet another long, sweltering night for both of us.

poor, hot jo

"I checked AC. It was off at the thermostat. I turned it on and AC was working OK. I left it set to 75 degrees."

Said individual was even so kind as to write on my wall above the thermostat in red pencil where the different settings for my heating and cooling controls are. In case you need more than a PhD to figure that out.
There was, indeed, a fan thing making noise throughout my apartment, which might in fact indicate that the central air was working.

However, if you look at the picture above, you will notice that it was STILL 80 DEGREES. After the thermostat had been set to 75. And the "air conditioning" had been running all afternoon.

Maybe I am at fault for not going into detail with my complaint to the apartment folks. I had just told them that the AC wasn't working. I didn't tell them that what wasn't working was that it wouldn't go below 80, and that this indicated to me that the cooling part of the AC coolant system was not working although the fan obviously was. I also did not explain that the fan mysteriously turns on every now and then even when the AC is set to off. I also did not say that since it was probably just running up my electric bill to keep the fan part running and wasn't even doing anything useful, I had turned the thermostat to OFF and realized that this would certainly mean that no cold air would come out of the vents. I guess I had figured that someone who knows about fixing air conditioners would be as capable as I, who knows next to nothing about air conditioners, to notice that when the AC was on and the fans were going, the air that was coming out of the vents wasn't cold.

But apparently the obvious problem was that the resident was far too much of a nincompoop to realize that the air conditioning in fact needed to be turned on.

Blah!

I don't know; it's probably just me, but if I were the one checking into the complaint, I would assume that they person had already tried to turn the thermostat to COOL. Since it had been a bazillion thousand degrees all weekend. And that's how you get the air conditioner to work. It would seem like most people would know that the air conditioning does not magically turn on all by itself and that you need to actually turn it on.

I assume too much, I guess.

So...we'll see what happens tomorrow. I left a message in the office again - they are of course closed by the time I return home from work - with a bit more detail about what is going on. I really, really, really, really hope that 80 degrees is not the absolute limit of the central air conditioning system.

real friends

2008-06-05T11:59:00.003-04:00

The funny thing about going on a trip and then coming back is that one has to get back to normal life, and normal life has a way of overtaking things and making what happened on the trip and what was learned on the trip get shoved to the back of one's mind as new challenges arise. After returning from Honduras a week ago (Thursday night) and jumping right back into work Friday morning and social life Friday night, I am more convinced than ever that when I go on a vacation or trip, I need an additional two or so days just to process everything before proceeding with normal life. Unfortunately, I realized this TODAY, not last Thursday. Retrospect is 20/20.

What I'm trying to say is, "Sorry I am super-duper procrastinating on this writing about Honduras thing. I have sooooo much to say, but I want to share it all to the best of my ability, and that will require putting in a bunch of time and thought, and I don't seem to have either of those to spare at the moment. And since life continues to go on and I have other stuff to write about, here's the other stuff. Honduras will have to wait, even though I wish it didn't have to."

Thus, here is other stuff:

One of the things I find most most intriguing about life is that you really never know what will happen. I like to live a relatively controlled life. I like to have a schedule, I like to know where people are going to be and what I will be doing and what time everything starts. It takes me a lot of effort to deal well with people who do a lot of random stuff or invite me to come over in two hours (...I'd prefer a two day notice). I like to think that I'm slowly but surely learning how to be more flexible. In that sense I really don't like the fact that what will happen in life is totally unknown. But at the same time, I DO like that anything can happen! There is a world of opportunity for good news or good events or good people to cross my path at any moment. I never know when something crazy like giving a talk will lead to being asked out on a date or when unwillingly and hopelessly checking a website will show me a job opening that I get hired for pretty much on the spot or when a someone I knew vaguely a long time back will re-enter my life and we'll become good friends (all of which may or may not have ever actually occurred in my life...hee hee.)

Still, there's always the danger that life will throw a curve that is not nice. I realize that if I'm going to welcome the good randomness I can't abhor the bad randomness; I can't be choosy about randomness!! And when bad randomness brings about sad news or confusing things to think about or validation of answers I had hoped would not be true...that is when I realize who I really value as my real friends. Who do I immediately think about to call when ungood things arrive?

I was somewhat surprised by my answer to this question today when something unanticipated happened. I've been building friendships intentionally with a couple people here in State College, and I've felt pretty close to some of them. At the same time, I've felt a bit distant from many friends who don't live near me - time and distance can really do a number on relationships and openness and understanding. So, I'm kind of stuck in a bad spot here with only heart-close friends who live far away and distance-close friends who don't have that special connection yet. Which to choose?

It wasn't really a choice...the heart won out after only about 2.5 milliseconds of hemming and hawing. I find it interesting that even though it's faster to get support from people who live nearby -- immediate gratification/comfort -- I feel more comforted just knowing that someone who truly cares about me knows that I'm facing something difficult and feels for me even if he/she can't rush to my side and give me a hug to make it feel better.

ugh...work

2008-06-02T17:25:00.002-04:00

Blah.

Now that I am (in theory) fully rested (or at least cannot use "I got back from Honduras on Friday so I'm tired" as an excuse because there's been sufficient time since Friday for me to catch up on sleep), I am back in the swing of things at work. Which is kind of going pukey-ly today. I had made a nice plan last Friday to start off my return to work with a bang and start some bacteria growing over the weekend so that today I could try out some new stuff. However, after making the plan I learned that we were missing a key component of what I wanted to do and nobody knew why we hadn't received it since it had been ordered at the beginning of May. So there went that idea. Back to getting NOTHING done.

When I get nothing done, I feel very inept. What I really need to do is to sit myself in the library for a couple days and immerse myself in a bath of literature about iron reduction and soil bacteria and chemical engineering and gene expression microarrays and the TCA cycle and anaerobic growth techniques. In a few days I'd feel not so inept. But I feel like I'm not getting anything done when I'm just reading. So I feel highly unmotivated to proceed as such.

And then I go try to be proactive and meet with one of our collaborators to talk about their part of the project, and the little sophomore undergrad turns out to be way smarter than me and asks all these detailed questions about my PhD thesis project. For a moment he even got me to thinking that he knew all about vaccine development and I really felt inept. But then he gave himself away with a comment about adenovirus and rhinovirus vectors, so I felt a little better. Nevertheless, he's a major smartie. Bugger.

Work is called work for a reason, I know. But there are plenty of times that I wish all I had to do in life was serve people like I did in Honduras, teach knitting, and spend time with people.

returning "home"

2008-05-31T11:54:00.004-04:00

I'm back in the U.S. after about two weeks in Honduras. Much, much more to come about all of that, including some about a much ignored topic on this blog of late: knitting! The strangest thing about returning to my "home" was that it did not at all feel like home. Having only lived in State College for less than a month before departing for Honduras, it was really strange riding in the car from the airport to the only semi-familiar hills of Happy Valley. I got back to my apartment and was surprised to find that I had left it fairly clean and that I really liked the way I had set up the furniture. It didn't feel like my home at all!

I got back to the apartment about 3:00a.m. on Friday morning, then went to sleep for a few hours before heading in to work. When my alarm went off, I found myself incredibly confused about where I was. The bed was comfortable, and it was warm. Was I in La Acequia? Was I in Roatan, an island I had visited off of the east coast of Honduras? Was I in the airport? No, I was in my bed at the place that is now my home. After some work, where my boss told me I should go home and get some sleep (it's never good when you LOOK like you need sleep...), I took a nap on the couch and then was even more confused. It's definitely going to take some adjustment to get into the swing of things back here in my place.

In a lot of senses, "home" seems to me to be more about people than about places. IN that vein, the following might be a good representation of home for me.

"vacation"

2008-05-17T13:14:00.002-04:00

Many people take a break after they finish their PhD. They travel the world, relax on a sunny beach, or hunker down in their favorite local coffee shop. I, on the other hand, went to work. Apparently that is my favorite thing to do.

However, now that I've been at my new job for three weeks, I'm headed off for as close to a vacation as I get: a mission trip to Honduras for 10 days. It occurs to me that I think I haven't written about this much/at all on the blog, but I've been planning it since last September. A group of 10 of us are headed down to a rural village where we'll be doing a lot of stuff like getting kids excited about learning, helping the community get a vision for the development of their area, sharing the love of Jesus with the community when possible, and encouraging the churches in the town. I will also be doing two things I absolutely love: checking out the situation of the water and teaching women (or men, I guess...whoever shows up) to knit and/or crochet. I have one suitcase that is half-filled with YARN and NEEDLES and HOOKS. I am so excited about this part. We will also have a day or two of "fun" in Roatan, which I'm told has lovely beaches and snorkeling. My suitcase is too full of knitting stuff to fit my snorkel gear. Ah well. I'll support the local economy with my payment for rental gear.

So...I'll be gone. We return to the US on May 29. Don't count on me until after then.

being social makes me sick

2008-05-12T21:52:00.002-04:00

As alluded to in my previous post, everyone I've met here in State College seems to know at least one other person I have already met. It's sort of getting old. At first it was really funny, now it's just annoying. People tell me, "Oh, you should meet So-and-so, you'd really like him/her." And all I can say is, "I already have..." No fun.

I can't really complain, though, because what with all the Knowing People, I've been a regular social butterfly. This has been greatly helped by two particular people, E who is a gal I met through church and who knows my old roommate/dearest friend, and Dr (NOT Doctor, NOT D, I'm abbreviating him Dr) who is a guy I actually knew back in Pittsburgh but haven't talked to in years and randomly ran into at a different church. (Yes, and of course E and Dr know each other, too. When I asked Dr if I could invite E to a party he was having, he told me she was already coming. ...Also no fun!) Together, E and Dr have led to my Being With People 5 of the 7 most recent days, and that is a lot for me, who really enjoys quiet evenings at home (and also really needs to be at home unpacking...). I really, really appreciate the welcome I've received and have very much enjoyed getting to know both of them and all the other folks to whom they've introduced me.

However, I think that has all backfired on me, because all of a sudden, I have gotten a cold. It's better than the flu, but it's struck full-force with achy muscles, sore throat, runny eyes, pounding headache, croaky voice, and it left me wading through the rainy Monday at still-quite-new work feeling like I could fall asleep at any given moment. The network guy who grinds the coffee...he wasn't in today. :-( No help there. But I made it somehow.

Now, what is the lesson to be learned from this experience? Ought I stop spending time with people?? Maybe I need to set up a curfew for myself? Wow, I never knew that being friendly could be so complicated!

back on the wall

2008-05-08T22:57:00.005-04:00

Three years ago now, I took a rock climbing class and had a blast. I'm not sure that I was ever very good at it, but I enjoyed rock climbing because it's an activity that is both physically and mentally demanding and has a set endpoint. You're not trying to beat another person or team, you're not trying to be the fastest or most graceful - you're just trying to get to the top of a wall any way you possibly can.

But after the class, I climbed once more (on an actual rock outdoors - very sweet!) and then didn't any more. I don't know why. I guess it was mostly because I didn't have anyone to go with me to belay (a.k.a. hold the rope at the ground so I don't die if I fall), and I while bouldering (basically climbing horizontally across a wall instead of vertically up it) is fun...it's not the same. And I think I was also discouraged to continue climbing because it cost money (although it was at the gym at the University, it was not included in regular gym privileges) and because getting to the wall required first climbing a very large Pittsburgh hill.

i've posted this before, but since it's such a glamourous picture of me climbing, i'll show it again. look - it's me climbing a real, live rock!

And now I'm in State College. Strangely enough, Penn State does not have a rock wall. I heard that there was a push to get one within the past few years, but apparently nothing has come to fruition. Nevertheless, my interest in rock climbing somehow got retriggered in the process of me moving here (the Banff Mountain Film Festival World Tour helped a bit), and I actually utilized Facebook to locate someone in State College who listed rock climbing as an interest...and then it turned out that the guy works in one of the labs I'm doing my project in. However, he was not in fact the person who finally got me back onto a wall.

I have been meeting a lot of new people over the past two weeks living here, and it's amazing to me how every one of them strangely fits into some other aspect of my life. Many of the new folks know the few people I already knew here. One of the people I work with knows all the natural food store secrets of the area. The network administrator I met to get access to the chemical engineering computer system loves to grind his own coffee and has a pot available for anyone who would like it any time of the day (yes, please). And a gal I met at a Bible study on Tuesday (who, also strangely enough, hails from Pittsburgh) loves rock climbing and goes to the one and only wall anyone seems to know of in State College, which is at the YMCA...which just happens to be about a quarter mile away from my apartment! Sick.

And that is how I ended up on a wall this evening. (...And if you'd like to know the whole story, is how I met another researcher at Penn State who has ties with my current boss...and an undergrad who is working in a lab I've been really interested in and gave me the scoop on the funding and job-opening situation... I'm getting used to the fact that everyone pretty much just knows everyone here...) Back on the wall. I was astounded by how...awful I was. I know I haven't been working out in a loooong time, but I didn't realize just how incredibly negatively that has affected my upper body strength. I also have forgotten a lot of the basic technique tips that I learned in my climbing class and which are really quite useful. I wasn't entirely bad - I did get up the wall several times and bouldered a bit. But I wasn't going up the wall on any marked routes (i.e. I was doing it the easy way and not the challenging way), and I wasn't nearly as "good" as I was three years ago.

Boo. I was expecting that a three year lapse would have not affected my performance capacity in the least. Hee.

I'm looking forward to going back again soon, hopefully next week. Although the gal who originally invited me along will be gone for the summer, some of her pals will be around and can go with. Plus there are lots of instructors there whose job it is to belay - woo hoo! No need to worry about that!

Hooray! A resurrected hobby. Very nice.

that's why they call it a stash

2008-04-30T21:09:00.004-04:00

One thing I've discovered in the process of moving from Pittsburgh to State College is that I have entirely too much "stuff." Some of it I wouldn't part with, like my quadrillion books, many of which I have not and probably will never read...but they sure make it look like I'm intelligent all sitting there pretty on the bookshelves. I have a living room full of chairs, which is sort of silly because generally it's me, myself, and I in the apartment along with Joelle, but she's not allowed on the furniture. A butt can only be in one seat at a time...so unless I become more hospitable (which I ought to do) it seems rather ridiculous to have so many places to select from to sit down (...or throw extra junk, as the case may be). Nevertheless, the books and the furniture and all the other things I have way too much of (...including cleaning supplies...) have lots of potential for use without too much of a time or effort investment.

However. There is one Thing that I'm not going to run out of anytime soon - partly because it will take time and effort. But mostly because there's so much of it: YARN.

I got a little embarrassed as some folks were helping me move in when I said out loud, "Wow, I have a lot of boxes labeled 'yarn,'" and one of them replied, "Yeah - I see lots of yarn, but not many things made out of yarn." In my defense, I have indeed made a lot of things out of yarn, many of which were packed in the boxes labeled "clothes" and many of which have been given away to various people. But it's true...there is a lot of yarn that isn't used.

I remember realizing this the last time I moved, in June/July of 2006. Back then I had a Big Trunk, a Little Red Trunk, a few bags, and a couple boxes of yarn or projects on needles. ...Now I fear...I have more!

Some people have a yarn closet. Due to the fact that I don't have an entire closet to spare for yarn, I have to "hide" it in multiple places. And thus far in my unpacking, that has included the following locations...

on the shelves of the coffee table
in one corner of the bedroom closet
in the other corner of the bedroom closetsmushed into the big, black trunk
in this little cabinet
in the bottom of this shelf...and just in case i run out, there's the drop spindle and pencil roving so i can make more yarn...

It kind of reminds me of what my Mom always told me when I went on a long trip: put a little money in a number of different places (purse, backpack, suitcase, pants, etc.) so if one of those gets ripped off, at least you'll still have some. ...Right, like someone's going to bust into my apartment and steal the coffee table so they can get that pretty German sock wool, eh?

I feel like trying to find places to enclose the yarn is sort of like trying to hide an addiction. And I think that's how a "yarn collection" turns into a "stash."

So, I guess the question now is...what to do about it? Do I just try to do more knitting? Do I sell it? Do I bring it with me on my mission trip to Honduras in a couple weeks where we're helping ladies start a knitting business? I don't know. All I DO know is that I ought not to buy any more yarn!!!!

And I've also concluded that, despite my yearning to learn how to quilt and the fact that there's a quilting shop a couple miles from my apartment, I really ought not to do that either. There are so many pretty, pretty fabrics that it would be lovely to quilt with...and you know those will just end up thrown in a drawer or cubby somewhere, too!!

Yuck - I feel disgusted with my more-more-more attitude!! Perhaps it's time to down-size. Or at least stabilize!! Or even better: utilize.

having fun after new work day one

2008-04-28T16:49:00.002-04:00

No incredibly huge disasters occurred while at my first day of work, so that was good. It did, however, rain all day. I still managed to force myself to walk to and from work, although I wised up on the way home and went and bought myself some bus tokens, which were useful because my trip home was actually just so I could pick up my Social Security card, which I did not know I would need but in fact did, and I had to then go back and forth to work one more time...which I did on the bus.

Anyhow, the day wasn't awful, but I was certainly motivated at its conclusion to stop by the corner grocery store and buy a gigantic bag of Reese's pieces and some Dove dark chocolate promises. New jobs will do that, I guess.

My friend Sarah recently did this, and since I'm feeling like vegging and know that the first thing on my to-do list is to pay bills, here is an insert-your-name-into-Google-and-report-the-first-hit game:

Q: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
A: Perhaps it was a reminder that God's power is what Ruth needs to heed, not man's shallow disdain, as Mr. Benson taught her.
(Nevertheless, the next hit is "Ruth needs a husband.")

Q: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search
A: Ruth looks like she might have some to spare!

Q: Type in "[your name] likes" in Google search:
A: Ruth likes a partner who is mentally alive and keeps her guessing.

Q: Type in "[your name] says" in Google search:
A: Ruth says update your blog!
(The next line is "And when Ruth tells you to do something...")

Q: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
A: RUTH WANTS TO BE BOXER

Q: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
A: Ruth does not come to the Lord because He is the Lord.
??huh??

Q: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
A: Ruth hates studying.

Q: Type in "[your name] goes" in Google search:
A: Ruth goes with Naomi.

Q: Type in "[your name]" in Google search:
A: The first hit is Ruth's Chris Steak House. Why in the world is it called that, anyhow?? Couldn't they just have one first name??

Q: Type in “origin of [your name]” in Google search:
A: Ruth is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "friend, companion."

home

2008-04-27T21:56:00.009-04:00

I have moved.

It took nearly 20 days to get everything out of the Pittsburgh apartment and into the State College, PA, apartment 3 hours away, but it has now officially been accomplished and I no longer live in Pittsburgh and I don't have keys for anything in Pittsburgh and I am a real, live State College resident (although now I have to change my voting registration thing again, I guess...grr...).

Whew!

I am far from being "settled in" to the new place - there are boxes that will provide me with a pseudo-Christmas for the next month or so as I explore what is inside of them all. Incidentally, I do know where my fake Christmas tree is AND even the location of all the decorations...maybe I'll put it up just for kicks.

And then there's Joelle.

Poor gal. Over the past few weeks her favorite hiding/resting spots have been taken away one after another. First it was the bookshelves...then the pink chair...then the bed...then the silver chair... One day I found her stolidly laying in the past home of the silver chair. You can still see the imprints of its legs in the carpet.

maybe if i wait here long enough, it will come back...?

I drove her to the new place on Wednesday after having set up the living room and half of the bedroom.

i can sit!

i can sleep!
...what i'm not showing you is what these places look like now a week later...with boxes filled with clothes stuffed under the bed and 6 of the 7 available seating locations piled high with miscellaneous stuff i don't know what to do with yet

After she moved in and her house was rebuilt and put into is new location...I promptly locked Joelle in the cage and left for 36 hours...! I returned Friday with all the rest of the stuff from the old apartment crammed in my car (I really ought to have taken a picture of that - it was pretty funny...but not something to be proud of), including all of the cleaning supplies I had used the night before to leave the old place spic and span. For someone who doesn't clean much, I sure have a heck of a lot of cleaning solutions - why??? - I filled three 1'x1'x2' boxes with it all!

And so now...the Jo and I are home here in Happy Valley, the cute little name given to the region containing and surrounding State College...centered around the Pennsylvania State University, which will be my new workplace starting tomorrow!, and extending via beautiful, rolling farm fields to the bases of the Appalachian Mountains.I like.

more renewable energy

2008-04-24T14:13:00.001-04:00

Do you like cats? Do you like engineering? Do you like You Tube? If so, or if not, please see the following short documentary:

primary primary

2008-04-22T15:12:00.002-04:00

I voted in my first primary election today, having finally joined a party! Wahoo!

I realized today as I was voting that there is a very interesting phenomenon occurring in the voting machine situation these days. Yes, there is a lot of controversy over the electronic voting, but that's not what I'm talking about. What I find most intriguing is how people are instructed to vote.

When I walked into my first voting booth about a decade ago, everything was on those manual machines where one got to slide over little tabs and then when all finished making selections push some magic button or pull some lever. I recall being entirely freaked out by the whole thing. To this day I still am uncomfortable with the whole deal. I'm never quite sure if I'm sliding over the correct tab and if I've gone through all of the different categories. It totally stresses me out, and it actually makes me very less inclined to go out and vote if I know the monster machine is waiting for me.

On the other hand, I find the electronic, touch-screen voting machines in my current district to be entirely simple to use. It tells me exactly what to do: touch where I want...review when I'm done...push "VOTE"...poof, it's over! I've never had any doubt about how to use the thing.

However, it's astounding to me how uncomfortable so many people are with this option. Not in the anonymity or the accuracy of tabulation - just the very fact of using a computerized method for making selections. I was in and out of the voting place in about 30 seconds today, whereas the lady who had started before me was still laboring over the thing when I left. Perhaps she was having trouble deciding between various candidates, but from what I've gathered it seems like most people are more affected not by indecision but by incompetence in utilizing the voting apparatus.

What is most striking to me is that when I get to the voting place these days, a nice man tells me exactly how to go through the voting process. He tells me exactly what to do with the touch scree. There's even a tutorial if I don't get it. I totally ignore everything he says to me as well as the tutorial, because to me it's like "DUH...this is not rocket science, people!"

As I was daydreaming through the nice man's spiel today it struck me that I would have really appreciated such instruction on the manual machines. Why didn't anyone ever include that as standard voting protocol?? And then I realized that all the people I see having issue getting through the touch screen are at least 20 years older than I am and are entirely used to the manual system. They did not spend the majority of their lives doing everyday tasks with computers. By the time I reached voting age, they had been using the manual machines for years and years, and just as I think it's ridiculous to tell people how to push buttons on a self-explanatory screen, nobody apparently thought that it might be necessary to inform new voters of how to use to presumably idiot-proof manual voting system. Well...they, IMHO, were wrong.

I got a call (okay...a recorded message) yesterday from Barack Obama, and I was impressed that he said, "If you need a ride or want to learn how to use a voting machine, call blah-blah-blah." It made me realize that there are a LOT of people out there who face many impediments to being able to vote. Whether is unfamiliarity with computers, fear of big huge tab-filled machines, a family full of under-five-year-old kids, no car to get you to the school where voting occurs that is located up the gigantic (and I do mean GIGANTIC) hill that no bus system would ever route a line, or something else, it's no wonder that so few Americans who have the opportunity and liberty to participate in a democratic government actually exercise their right to vote. I feel that the Obama campaign, despite all the criticism it's gotten as being "elitist," has been extraordinarily aware of many of these hindrances, which often affect the most non-elite in the country. I'm glad that somebody has finally made some effort to bridge this gap in "equal voting rights."

fire!

2008-04-21T10:18:00.007-04:00

(in which Ruth learns the value of cleanliness and the danger of multi-tasking...)

As if writing a PhD dissertation, finding a new job, and moving weren't enough to try to balance all at once, I apparently thought it would be good to have a Real Emergency throw into the mix for the fun of it. On Easter Sunday I woke up and wanted to have a hard-boiled egg because I needed something hearty for breakfast to sustain me through several hours at church. To save some time, I turned on the burner to start heating the pot of water+egg and figured I could jump in the shower really quick - by the time I got out the pot would be boiling and ready to take off for the hard-cooking.

When I got out of the shower a very few minutes later, I had a sense that something wasn't quite right, so I dashed to the kitchen dressed in a towel and without my glasses on (aka I was pretty darn blind). What I found was a scene sort of like I've seen in movies with the entire apartment FILLED with smoke. However, it was still quite apparent that there was something aflame on the stove. Based on the location of the flame, I realized immediately what had happened: I had turned on the wrong burner and something sitting on that burner had caught fire. Because, after all, a stovetop is a great place to set random flammable things, right? Of course not, but in the midst of the dissertation writing and other such things I had been quite remiss in actually cleaning up anything. Thus, the kitchen counter was filled with dishes, and that meant "stuff" was now being piled on the stove.

I didn't want to sit and ponder the stupidity of what had led up to this dangerous situation, but I did realize it was important to think clearly and not freak out. I immediately thought, "I don't know what's on fire, so I should not put water on it. There is a fire extinguisher just outside my apartment in the building's entry hall. I should go get that." I then immediately thought, "I don't have any clothes on, and I really ought not to go running out into the hall naked."

So I dashed into the bedroom and found my robe, then found my glasses, then grabbed the fire extinguisher, then put out the fire, turned off the burner (which was not so bright, because since the fire had just been occurring in front of the burner control knob, it was really hot, so I burned my thumb), and then stood back and surveyed the mess.

I would love to show you a picture of what had happened, but I was entirely in NO MOOD to take a photo to document the disaster. I was too overwhelmed by the stove and counter full of dishes which were now blanketed in the yellow fire extinguisher stuff...and the fact that without a doubt I would have to clean up this whole mess, which would not be fun. It didn't get much better when I went wandering into the other rooms of the apartment and found EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING...in EVERY room - living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom) sprinkled with ash that had evolved from the whatever-it-was that had burned up on the stove. And that was another troubling thing...I had NO idea what had burned. I could tell from the remains and the smell that it was plastic, but I couldn't recall anything plastic that I had had that would be the size that the large mass of goonk now carbon-fused to the burner element and stovetop represented.

ashes, ashes...

And Joelle...! Fortunately, she was fine and didn't seem too fazed by any of this. I found her and picked her up, and then she started freaking out. I realized that when she was on the ground the smoke was too high for her to smell, but when I lifted her up into the smoke, she was quite aware that something was wrong. So I decided she was probably in the best spot by just being on the floor. She did, however, get a little bit dirty from hopping around on the floor that was covered in ash.

the bunny feet are notsupposed to be black!

Next I opened the windows and door and turned on the central fan and the bathroom fan and stove exhaust fan. Oh, and after the fire had been extinguished the smoke detector finally started going off (...not very safe, eh?), so I had to deal with making that shut up. I put on some clothes and called some friends and everyone was at church because it was Easter so I left messages and so I started cleaning, beginning with Joelle's cage because I wasn't too keen on her eating the ash.

Fortunately, one friend called me back and came over to help clean the stove and kitchen. She really likes cleaning, so she was the perfect person to have over. By the time she left a couple hours later, the kitchen looked fairly normal except for the huge chunk of plastic melted onto the stove.

it's what's for dinner

By this time I was REALLY hungry since my breakfast had been long forgotten about (I think the egg actually was cooked, having been sitting next to a fire...but I didn't quite feel like investigating), so I hauled myself out to my favorite little diner where they made me some lovely eggs over hard with ham and a yummy Belgian waffle with grapefruit juice. No fires occurred. On the way home I picked up a huge supply of cleaning equipment and set to work little by little.

In the weeks that have followed I have restored the stove to its normal appearance. With the help of a razor blade and a lot of determination, I was able to scrape off the melted plastic, which I eventually realized had come from an empty Simply Orange container. This removal fortunately occurred before my landlord came over to assess the damage, so he wasn't too mad and only made me pay to get a new burner element - that was not something I was even going to attempt to clean. The fire helped me jump-start my leaving-this-apartment cleaning, so that was nice. It also helped me identify a number of spiderwebs that I had not been aware of.

spooky

All's well that ends well, and I'm thankful that I, Joelle, and all my stuff are safe. In the future I'll attempt to be more clean and only do one thing at a time...

introducing...dr. ruth!

2008-04-08T11:45:00.003-04:00

Woo hoo! I did it!!

Friday was my dissertation defense and "final examination." I don't know why they call it a final exam, because it's not really an exam. It just has the feeling of a final exam because it's such a big thing, it's the last thing before you're officially a recipient of your PhD, it's the last thing that happens before the committee signs the forms that magically transform you from being a bachelor or master to a doctor. The final exam is a question and answer session, an "oral exam" of sorts, but the questions (at least for me) were much more of a "what's your opinion" sort than a "what's the absolutely correct answer." Probably because in reality science has very few absolutes, so best-guesses are as good as it gets.

Anyhow...that is over, and it was very amazing to wake up on Saturday and realize...hey...I don't have to work on polishing my dissertation or practice my defense presentation or review the literature to have potential final-exam answers fresh in my mind...EVER AGAIN!!!!!! That was really the best part: it's over.

Just so you know, the correct abbreviation for Doctor of Philosophy is Ph.D. (or just PhD). Big P, little H, big D. The cake decorator did indeed write big and little letters as instructed. However, the end result wasn't quite what we had anticipated.Just goes to show how underwhelming it probably is to most of the general public that I have earned my PhD: they don't even know what it means!! Oh well.

countdown

2008-04-02T12:41:00.003-04:00

I am in the final stages of preparation for my PhD dissertation defense on Friday. My main concerns are that

I won't be able to come up with decent answers to questions people, especially my committee members, ask
My committee will not pass me and will make me do more work
There will not be enough room in the room in which I'll be presenting for everyone to fit. A lot of people have been saying they'll come, and I couldn't get the larger room that I had hoped for. But at least it's bigger than the one that the one administrative assistant kept telling me would be fine -- it seats about 30 people and contains a seating area with comfortable couches as well as a kitchen area. Apparently she's never been to a dissertation defense, because at least twice that many people generally seem to show and it's entirely unprofessional to give the biggest talk of my life in a room that looks like a living room and includes a food-preparation station!

I'll try to let you all know how it turns out. I have other news, too (it's not too exciting, just amusing), but I am rather focused on something else right now. Thanks for bearing with me!

nice little random free things

2008-03-16T15:23:00.003-04:00

Aah... (That's a happy sigh, not a freaking-out one).

Things are coming together with this whole dissertation thing. I need to turn in my mostly-final copy to my thesis committee on Friday of this week. I nearly killed my brain doing nothing but working, eating some, and sleeping this past week trying to get everything pulled together, but it's paid off. An quick trip to the chiropractor helped to relieve a bunch of the pain that I had accrued in my neck and shoulders from doing computer work so intensely, and I've been able to sleep.

Of course, as soon as I had pulled all of my text, tables, figures, and references together into one file and sent it off to my advisor for a final look-through, a few non-niceties occurred. The journal article I had sent in for review got rejected. Bleh. I realized that I had a few more sets of data to analyze that require a statistics computer program we don't have in the lab and I've been borrowing the use of from a friend who has her own data to analyze and really doesn't need me stealing her computer any more. Blah. I finally read the formatting requirements for the University's electronic dissertation thingy, and it means I have to figure out how to do some new things with Word that I don't know yet and I have to shorten a couple sections of my dissertation because they're too long - being concise has never been my strength. Pooey.

Well, little by little those things are also getting untangled from the mess they seem to have created. My advisor has chopped up the one section I wrote to make it successfully fit into the allotted space (I have to read his revisions, but I'm thinking they'll be okay...he's pretty good at not being too wordy). I have a new plan for the journal article, and having written my entire dissertation already means that it will be semi-easier to put in a few extra parts that I had been trying to keep out of that particular manuscript...just cut and paste from the dissertation!

And the most lovely thing occurred with the statistics issue...I was Googling around trying to locate an online calculator that would do a Kruskal-Wallis test for me and having no luck and then started to give up on that and look into Bonferroni corrections instead since I am never quite sure if I have accurately taken them into account, when lo and behold the program I had been using at my friend's is available for a 30 day free trial. Yay!!! Now I can analyze as much data as I want to. I'm so geeked! I really, truly am. GraphPad Prism, the statistical package I am referring to, is so user friendly. I haven't been using it for its intended use -- it's technically a graphing program and makes pretty, pretty pictures with only a few clicks of buttons, and that is so incredibly wonderful. Now that I have it on my computer, I actually am inclined to make all of my dissertation graphs over again using the program, but I have a feeling my time would be much better spent doing something else.

I think...that this might all work out somehow. The dissertation defense date is April 4. ...Can I make it until then...????

everybody needs sleep

2008-03-10T17:05:00.008-04:00

I recall quite distinctly the Sesame Street montage of "Everybody Sleeps." I thought the most wonderful way to sleep would be the little girl in the car seat (can you believe those were considered safe!?!?!) with the wind blowing through her hair. The second best way would be floating on an air mattress in a pool.

I've been reminded of the importance of sleep over the past couple days. I skimped on the sleep last Thursday, and I think that set me up for getting a coworker's cold/flu thing, because I'm feeling rather under the weather now. Bad time to get sick -- I have less than two weeks to get my PhD dissertation handed in to my thesis committee. AAAK! I have thus been working day and night at writing, rewriting, researching, making figures, etc. And sometimes that's meant I've forgotten I need to sleep.

But...thanks to my rabbit Joelle, I've remembered.
I have not often observed Joelle sleeping. In retrospect, this is probably due to the fact that rabbits are crepuscular and thus are most active in the mornings and evenings, which happen to be the times that I am at home and in the presence of Joelle. Over the past several weeks, however, I've been doing more work from home. When she's not chewing up my computer cords, Joelle usually rests in one of her favorite places. But even then, I had not really seen her sleeping in those places, although it's kind of hard to tell with all that hair. Either she's getting TIRED of me being home all the time or she's getting sick (let's hope not!) or she's exhausted because it's shedding season or maybe I've just been paying more attention -- but as the weeks have worn on, I've caught her sleeping more and more often!
Her favorite place these days is under the pink chair.
No, no - not on it -- UNDER it!
More rarely I've found her asleep in her "house" (cage).
Yesterday I thought I saw her sleeping but wasn't sure: she was twitching her ears and chewing now and then. It reminded me of the puppies I've had who would all but run while having a dream. She was indeed asleep, and Joelle was having a pretty intense dream!! I wonder, what do rabbits dream of...?

I'm thinking I'd better take a lesson from the wise bun and get some more rest myself. Sleeping is, after all, very necessary for keeping people and rabbits alike in healthy, cheerful, good working order. And I think it also contributes to cuteness, too.

changes, changes

2008-03-07T12:52:00.003-05:00

I'm still here. Nothing hugely new to report on -- there was the temporary loss of my computer's functionality (and potentially my entire dissertation), but that got resolved rapidly when what was first diagnosed as a motherboard frying turned out just to be an overheating of the...some computer part that caused the whole machine to shut down and refuse to turn on.

I met with a mentor of mine on Tuesday, and we got to talking about politics. She and I are both life-long independents, I think because we can't wholly agree with any party (or any other sort of "institution," for that matter...). However, she shocked me by saying that in the heat of all this too-close-to-call of the Democratic presidential candidacy race she made the decision to register as something so that she can participate in the primary in April. If she can do it...so can I! At least for the primary season (is that bad? ...is that legal?). And so, assuming the voting people have processed my request, I am not an official party member. Don't count on that change lasting, though, folks! But, you never know.

feel-good games

2008-02-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

I'll be honest:

1. I am utterly horrible at video games, particularly ones in which the object is to destroy other creatures/objects. Video games are the one and only thing I have every received a "D" in -- and I seriously did! When I was in college my suitemate had some game I have no idea what it's called on an older Sega (I think), and it was not really very hard. Once you lost all of your lives, it gave you a score based on how well you did. I had to play with someone else (2-player) in order to actually make it through the first level. Even then...I always got a D. I think there were also F's, which I probably got if they were available.

2. Sometimes I like to use games to escape from reality. Give me Internet Hearts sans internet anytime. Pinball, Free Cell, Minesweeper -- the best! And of course there's my love affair with the Sims, which I hadn't played for over a year until a couple weeks ago...proving that I am not addicted! It is so nice to watch someone else's life unfold in that game; much nicer than the stresses of my own, at times! And if by chance one of the Sims catches on fire while cooking mac 'n cheese for dinner...just quit the game without saving and it will all be okay. If only life were like that. Since I'm being honest, I'll also admit that lately my Spider Solitaire games have been on the Easy level...just because it's nice to know that at the end of the day I can win SOMETHING, even if I haven't won the battle for a well-behaved rabbit or work environment or hair-do.

Since games are such an escape and since I'm so awful at video games that depend more upon button pushing rather than logical thinking, I particularly enjoy computer games that don't make fun of me too much when I am awful (like...giving me D's and F's!). Games like Whack-a-Wolverine and Traveler IQ Challenge and the Pinguin game and pretty much anything over at Homestar Runner. That's why I was quite happy when the lovely other Ruth directed me to Flight of the Hamsters. The hamsters were so nice when I ended up with a grand total of...30 points...! Oh my goodness...

upsets

2008-02-04T12:25:00.001-05:00

It was a great weekend for the underdog to come through!

This weekend was packed full of stuff for me. I spent it in my favorite little town nestled in the Allegheny mountains in what is called "Happy Valley." It just so happens that this will soon by my new home, as long as some Large Disaster does not strike between now and April; my new job will be here! While my trip this weekend was somewhat business, it also incorporated leisure. Penn State's unranked basketball team was up against my alma mater - #7 Michigan State, and I was headed to the game with some other MSU alums. All the locals I spoke with throughout the day rolled their eyes when I said I was going to the game, "Oh...yeah, well you're going to win."

And so everyone thought. We arrived at the Bryce Jordan Center where I witnessed something I'd never seen before - an unsold-out men's college basketball game. Never would such an atrocity occur at MSU!! But in the end, what I watched unfold while savoring some delicious Creamery peanut butter swirl ice cream was a big, huge upset - complete with the obligatory rushing of the court after the final buzzer sounded. So, I've got to hand it to those PSU fans - way to stick up for your team in the face of what seems to be the impossible. ...Even if that means cheering on a team to defeat my beloved MSU. The PSU people are so sweet and their mascot so charming that I can't be angry. ...Plus, they're going to be paying me soon, so I'd better not hold a grudge! :-) To be honest, I actually really like the school and the community, which helped me in my decision to take the job there.

Some other Penn State-based athletes proved to be instrumental in another big upset! Of course I'm referring to the New York Giants' win over the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. I couldn't stand to listen to the final minutes of the nail-biting game, so I missed it when Jay Alford apparently sacked Tom Brady. I did hear it when Kareem McKenzie and the rest of the offensive line managed to eat up nine and a half minutes of the opening quarter on their first drive. I have to say that was a very, very intelligent strategy. I was much more tickled by this upset (not a big Patriots fan here...it's not very helpful when their QB is from U of M!) than the basketball game. Hooray, Giants!

happy home

2008-01-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

I love stepping into my apartment these days. For one thing, it's warm. It doesn't even need to actually be very warm in the apartment for it to feel warm coming from outside -- it's been FrEeZiNg recently, so as long as the temp in the apartment is over 20F, it's warm!

For another thing, it now smells like lilies. I don't often remember that a scent can really make or break a place. The gentle aroma of lilies is a truly wonderful experience. Why does my place smell like lilies? My new pal Trader Joe gave me some flowers. Literally - I did not buy them. I went there for the first time last Thursday, and after kind of bumbling around near what seemed to be the checkout mob, a kind cashier said he could ring up my (organic -- one was even mostly local!) items if I'd step over away from the wad of people. I said thanks and admitted that I was a bit disoriented since this was my first time there. He expediently bounded over to the floral section and came back with a huge bouquet of roses, Gerbera daisies, carnations, and...lilies! "Since it's your first time here, here's a gift - I hope it brings you back." ...I'll take it!(Yes, I am that person who still has not put away the Christmas decorations so I still have a Christmasy table runner...)

And, of course, there's my Joelle always waiting to greet me. The poor dear has been very patiently dealing with my harassment of late - she's developed some major mats, and that requires a lot of yucky maintenance work like the evil Combing and Brushing and Mat-Raking and, of course, Trimming. She mostly hates it because it requires the two things she despises the most: being held and being put belly-up.

We've also been facing a sort of hay crisis. I like to buy my hay from one place, and every time I've gone there for the past month or two, they haven't had any hay! That was okay the first couple times, but then...the stock at home kept getting lower and lower and lower, and pretty soon I was quite truly "scraping the bottom of the barrel" (er...box, it's not really a barrel) to get out the last bits of hay. The fact that by now the hay was indeed in BITS was also bad, because it meant that the small hay pieces fell to the bottom of the hay-holder in Joelle's house. So maybe I'm just babying her, but when I saw Joelle putting both paws up on the rim of the holder and sticking her head in as far as she could reach to get at the hay, I declared, "That's it! I'm buying you a new thing for the hay!"

That meant a bowl. But it couldn't be just any bowl, because Joelle does not like to eat out of bowls; she likes to dump out the contents of bowls and then eat. That's okay now and then, but when it's the daily hay that means it gets REALLY hay-y all over the floor, and I am not too into that...and it just contributes to MORE matting and then the resultant Combing, Brushing, Raking, Trimming, and being held belly-up! That is why her food pellet bowl is bolted to the side of her kennel and is therefore un-dumpable. I wasn't too keen on another bolted bowl. So, the new hay-bowl had to be a heavy bowl, one that could not be flipped over with normal bunny strength.

Luckily, I found the perfect dish.I think she likes it as much as I do.

are you sure...?

2008-01-28T20:40:00.000-05:00

I know I ought not to worry so much.

I know that worrying doesn't help and that usually when I start flipping out about something, it rights itself rather quickly and then I am just left feeling frustrated that I had wasted so much energy being concerned that nothing would ever work out.

But...every time that something worrying occurs, I find it very difficult to not worry about it.

The latest frustration to my life comes less than 24 hours after having accepted a postdoctoral job. So - hey, good news: I have a job lined up for after I graduate, which tentatively means by April 1! And just when I thought the saga of my future was coming to a peaceful close, just when I thought I had covered all my bases, just when I thought I had clearly grasped what I'm supposed to be "doing" with my life (at least for the time being) -- frustration!

The frustration: a particular member of the committee that decides whether I really get to graduate or not suddenly sends me an email to the effect of, "Huh, you're going to graduate soon? When did this happen? What have you actually accomplished that gives you any capacity to graduate?" (This person was not at the meeting where the other members of the committee told me to write up all my results and get the heck out of grad school...but I did indeed inform the individual of my results and the rest of the committee's instructions to me to finish up and graduate...almost 3 months ago...!) So...I send the person the summary of the last meeting and a bazillion tons of my results. And then I get a, "These results are weird - they don't look like other peoples' results. Do you know how to analyze your data? You really should ask someone who has done this before (a.k.a. my employee). You should have another meeting; everyone probably thinks your stuff stinks."

Ow.

There are some times in my life where I wish I had the capacity to selectively erase peoples' memories. If I had that ability, I would shake this person, say, "You really hurt my feelings. Do you actually think I am completely incompetent and don't know how to analyze my data??! And for your information, I have asked no less than 4 experts in this area - including the pioneer - who have a total of more than 50 years of experience, and they told me I was doing it correctly. Now you're going to make me sit down with the person in your lab who you're so convinced knows more than all of those people?? And by the way - you obviously don't know any of the literature on this stuff, because the "weird" results you think I'm seeing is because nobody has ever reported anything about these cells, so of course it's not going to look like anyone else's! The other 80% of the committee has not indicated that my stuff stinks. If they thought so, they should really tell me instead of being jerks and waiting until I'm obliviously accepting a new job to suddenly trick me and say 'You gotta do more work here, nah nah nah nah!' Speaking of that, why in the heck did you not say anything about this anytime during the past 10 weeks that you have had the data I just resent to you?????"

And then I would erase the person's memory of that conversation so the person wouldn't be angry at me.

Sometimes I just want to be understood.

Of course, I cannot say any of that stuff, and it is best if I come up with more kind, convincing (and non-violent) ways to support my scientific work. But right now I am worried...that I won't get to graduate this semester...that people think my work (and...thus, by association and production, ME!) is worthless and stupid...that my future bosses will be upset that I told them I'd be available in April when I won't be...that some hideous, embarrassing disaster is waiting to befall me and will involve people saying, "You should have done this, this, this, and known that, that, that."

As I think about it, those are not things that are truly very REAL. Well, at least not the last one. Reality tells me that more than a majority of the graduate-or-not committee have written letters of recommendation to the very person who just hired me -- obviously those people think that I will/should graduate. And...the new boss told me repeatedly that April 1 is flexible. ...Breathe...okay...it'll be okay...

So! Yes, that is the update on me and what's up in my life! I got a job. It's lovely. I am really, really, really, really, really looking forward to it at this precise moment because it has NOTHING to do with my current area of research - HIV - which I am very much disliking currently because it involves so much competition and requires so much detailed, outrageous information to be provided to convince people of anything, when, in my humble opinion, I think that really nobody has any actual concept of the depth of complexity of what's really going on and why (see, for example, here. I got into this field because I wanted to help people, not because I wanted to duke it out with people who are too self-centered and stuck in their own ways to consider that there could possibly be a different way of looking at an answer to their favorite question.

where it all comes from

2008-01-24T15:26:00.000-05:00

I am afraid I am rapidly turning into a "tree-hugger!" I am attempting to make 2008 a banner year in which I transition into an organic/local food-consumer. Thus far I have managed to buy nearly all organic groceries (and rabbit greens) -- there was that emergency jug of non-organic orange juice I picked up when I got the flu, but at least it was made from American-grown oranges according to the package. Last week I was trying to figure out how I could possibly find locally-grown chocolate when I realized that maybe this is why some people substitute carob for chocolate (although I haven't actually been able to find anyone who grows carob in non-perpetually-warm climates). ...I hope it doesn't come down to that...I think I'm able to convince myself that organic, fair-traded chocolate is "good enough," because I really dislike carob.

What I think is important about organic food is not that it's necessarily any healthier to eat - although I don't dismiss those arguments - but that the way organic food is grown and produced is done in a sustainable way, so it's not going to destroy the farming land or put "bad" stuff into the environment which will then take forever to get out. So, it's much, much more about how food comes to be on my plate. Which, in the end, causes one to consider a LOT of aspects. Who is growing this food? Are they getting paid a reasonable price? How is the food being cultivated? Is an exorbitant amount of energy (a.k.a. carbon) being put into the food's processing and delivery? And how about the packaging: is it produced in an eco-friendly manner, is it reusable (or re-used) - heck, is it even necessary?!

As I'm sure most people have noticed, the price of "natural" foods is higher than your run-of-the-mill favorite mega-store brand. This is an obvious limitation for a lot of people (although...truth be told, probably most of us don't really need to be eating quite as much food as we do...which means that if we were eating the actual amount of food we should eat, we would be spending a lot less on food. Why not buy less food (gain less weight) but make it organic and spend the same amount of money we'd have spent on the three-times more food than we need anyhow??). BUT...when we get down to the cost of something, the value inherently must be considered. How much do I value keeping farmland available for generations to come? How much do I value supporting local farmers who are being pressured to be paid less, treat their soil worse, and be controlled by huge companies with a major bottom line? How much do I value acquiescing to the way the earth was naturally designed to function instead of insisting upon having what-I-want-when-I-want-it?

Another part of food I often forget to value is the life involved with it. Not just human life, but animal life. I am not talking about vegetarianism. I came across an interesting article about chefs who are taking responsibility for the meat they prepare. Responsibility, to them, involves treating meat-producing animals as organisms with value, and that alters the way in which they make their meat choices. I invite you to read the article from the New York Times. In the end, it deals with the cost. The following is a blurb from the article for all to ponder:

"A chicken is a living thing, an animal with a life cycle, and we shouldn’t expect it will cost less than a pint of beer in a pub," (chef Jamie Oliver) said Monday in an interview. ...The most shocking of all may be his revelation that price wars have squeezed the profit margin of the modern poultry farmer to about 6 cents a bird. Mr. Oliver’s message to supermarket shoppers is clear: the only reason for the miserable lives lived by most chickens is your insistence on cheap food."

just like that

2008-01-14T17:15:00.000-05:00

It's been said time and again that despite the phrase "It's not what you know, it's who you know," the more accurate phrase is, "It's not who you know, but who knows you." In the scientific community in which I've been reared, this has always come across to me as meaning stuff like, "Your boss will tell his other boss friends that you need a job, and then you'll get a job with one of them" or "Someone you went to school with will be working at a place you're interested in, and that will be your 'in' to that company." I believe that those takes on it have their merit.

However, in light of the fact that marketing and sales in the business world often seems to really be selling one's own self (e.g. kind, classy, humorous Businesslady takes her client to a 5-star dinner, and poof - the big deal is sealed! It's not necessarily the deal on the table or the food on the table that do the convincing, but rather the kindness, classiness, and humourous-ness of the person orchestrating the convincing. I mean...would you prefer to buy something from a Rude Nasty person or a Friendly Happy one?) -- in light of that, it seems that an additional interpretation might be considered for that old saying.

What happens if a person doesn't try to figure out who else might be able to make the right connections with the company/person she's interested in? What if instead she just goes ahead and makes that company/person know who she is? Call it an introduction, if you'd like. Sometimes at a social gathering a friend/co-worker will introduce me to a new person, other times I just introduce myself. Why shouldn't it be like that in the world of finding an employer? Maybe the key to getting "known" is to make one's self known.

You never know what will happen. Even if you weren't trying to do it. Such was the case with me this past week. I have been sending out my curriculum vitae and a lovely blurb about what I plan to do with the rest of my life to researchers far and wide, and where appropriate I have been following up with telephone calls. I figured this was just what reasonable people do, but rumor has it that I'm incorrect. Thus far the following have resulted from these calls:

A busy researcher who had put filling-that-position on the bottom of the list of things to do moved considering me for the position to the top of the list
The crazy, disjointed background I have that I think seems like I have no idea where I'm headed has repeatedly been praised by forward-thinking researchers
I discovered that a position that was not yet advertised but which is even more in line with my training is available with one researcher
In short order, I am being whisked away for an interview the end of this week

Not quite sure where any of this will end, but the moral of the story is obvious: like it or not, "marketing" one's self does wonders -- and not just for getting an interview or job, but also for making one realize how marketable one might actually be!

she's five!

2008-01-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

Fish may have brief lives, but the good news is that rabbits don't. Joelle and I celebrated her fifth birthday on Wednesday. She chewed some holes in one of my throw pillows......and I cut off the hair on the top of her head so she could see better and then served her a magic birthday basket salad with kale, parsley, and hidden apples and carrots.

r.i.p.

2008-01-04T15:08:00.000-05:00

Been too busy/preoccupied/sick to blog. Today's been a kind of cruddy day, I'll admit, so I suppose it's apropos to report the following:

Sheamus, my beautiful betta fish, has died. He passed away while I was visiting my family in Michigan for Christmas (I do not believe it was because of my absence that he died), so I am not sure of the date. But in commemoration of Benazir Bhutto, I'll say he and she shared their last day on earth December 27, 2007. Sheamus was buried in Swissvale, Pennsylvania, on December 31, 2007.

a recipe

2007-12-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

It's potluck time for my Bible study group tonight at our annual Christmas party/white elephant gift exchange. Last year the highlights were an amazing pomegranate guacamole and a mannequin leg. We shall see what this year brings. The maker of the guac and the giver of the leg will not be there this year, so perhaps there will not be such exciting stories to tell.

I was inspired to make some gnocchi to bring to the potluck tonight. So yesterday (at 9:30p.m. for some odd reason) I tried my hand. Gnocchi is a delightful potato-based pasta which I had not eaten or even heard of until just a few years ago, but it is one of my favorites. I believe it's also a suitable "buy local-and-in-season" option for this time of year -- the ingredients are potatoes (which should be abundant in much of the US now), flour (assuming you've done your threshing and grinding already, that should be somewhere in your kitchen), and eggs (hens function throughout the year). If I can make it, you definitely can make it!! Just follow these easy steps...

1. Fill a large saucepan or pot with water, put on the cover, and heat it to boiling.

2. While waiting for the pot to boil, peel potatoes. You can use regular potatoes or sweet potatoes/yams. I used fingerling potatoes. You'll want to use enough to end up with 1 cup mashed. I used about 6 fingerlings. Cut the potatoes up into chunks to help them cook in the next step, if you'd like.

3. Boil the potatoes. Some people say this takes 15 minutes. I don't know because I didn't cook mine long enough. They should be done (fully smushable) but not dry.

4. While boiling the potatoes, measure out 2 cups of flour and set aside. Also get out one egg. Think about if you'd like some flavoring. Basil? Salt? Butter? If you're working with sweet potatoes, maybe some nutmeg and cinnamon? Olive oil? Pepper? Garlic? If you want flavor, get that out, too. Suggested amounts for butter and olive oil: 2T butter, 1T oil.

5. When potatoes are done, scoop out from pot and remove pot from heat. Keep the water, because you'll use it later and it's such a waste to dump it. An authentic Italian just told me that you should let the potatoes cool completely to ensure success. Mash the potatoes really, really, really well in a big bowl. Use a ricer, use a hand mixer to whip them, whatever it takes to get them good and smushy.

6. Add egg and mix. At this point I started using my hands to mix, because I figured it would help mush the potatoes even more.

7. Stir in any flavoring you desire at this point.

8. Gradually add flour to the potato-egg mixture, kneading it in with your hands. You might not need all 2 cups of flour or you might need a bit more depending on the potato-egg consistency. Continue adding flour and kneading until you get a dough that sticks more to itself than to your hands. It shouldn't be too dry, but it certainly should hold its own and not get gook on you when you touch it.

9. Once the dough is formed, turn on the heat to heat the water to a boil again.

10. Make a little rope of dough (about 1/2 inch in diameter) either by rubbing between your hands or rolling on a floured or plastic surface.

11. If you are using a plastic surface (like a cutting board, which I recommend) on which to form your ropes, ensure that it is far enough from the heating element so as not to melt. Otherwise, the following may occur...If you smell something that is sort of yucky and reminds you of wax candles burning, that is bad.Oops.

12. Cut the ropes into about 1-1/2 inch pieces, and roll them in half. I guess the traditional thing is to have the impression of fork tines on the dough, so use a fork if you want to. Or a spoon. I used my fingers.

13. Put the rolled up gnocchi pieces into the boiling water. They'll sink to the bottom. Put the cover back on the pot and boil for about 3 to 5 minutes.14. If you haven't roped and rolled all of the dough, continue doing this while the gnocchi cook.

15. When the gnocchi are done cooking...they will float to the top!That means they're done, and you can drain them and eat them alone or with butter or with tomato sauce or anything else you want! Yum!

for health, for the earth...or for the steelers?

2007-12-14T10:40:00.000-05:00

A short skit recounting an actual conversation:

(A green compact car pulls into the parking lot of a grocery store in a semi-shady part of town. The driver, a single young woman, has been duped in this area before by a pan-handler...and she has grown to dislike the lewd comments thrown at her by many a straggler on the street. Thus, as she parks the car and exits she is cautious as a man smoking a cigarette approaches.)

Man: Are you going to The Store?

Woman, continuing to walk to the entrance to the store: Yes, I am going to The Store.

Man: Do you work there?

Woman, wondering what makes this man think that he should be allowed to pry into a vulnerable young woman's personal business, especially in this neighborhood: No.

Man: Are you going shopping there?

Woman, becoming more wary of the guy as he is obviously not going to leave her alone and thinking caustically, "No, I'm just going to take a tour of the meat counter and then flirt with the cute baggers. Why else would I be going into The Store?!": Yes.

Man: Okay, I'm just checking because we're ticketing and towing today.

Woman whirls around and looks at the sign above the parking spot where her car is located. It clearly reads "For customers of The Store only while shopping." And that is what she is doing. She says: What, can't I park here for The Store today?

Man: I just wondered why you parked so far away.

(Truth be told, the woman had parked approximately fifty paces away from the entrance to the store. Not "far away" by a terribly large portion of the population, but obviously the man had a different frame of reference.)

Woman, with more than a little irritation in her voice: Well, I use less gas, create fewer emissions, and get some exercise if I park there.

(This is 100% true. It was actually what the woman had been thinking as she entered the parking lot and selected her parking space.)

Man: Okay! There's a Steelers game today, and we don't want anyone trying to use our parking lot while they go to the game.

(Well, that explains it - I guess. The store is within walking distance to the stadium where the Steelers play football. Not that the woman really appears to be going to a Steelers game...she is dressed in her Sunday best, having just left from church a few minutes before, and that is not typically the attire individuals wear to football games, particularly ones that are occurring on drizzly days. The woman walks away, enters the store, is disappointed to find that the store does not carry any organic yogurt - the single item on her list, which she was hoping to find at this store since it was on her way and would therefore be a more environmentally-friendly choice for shopping than driving to another store on the other side of town where she knows they sell yogurt that has been produced using sustainable practices. Feeling afraid that the man in the parking lot is going to see her return to her car empty-handed and assume she was lying all along about not trying to stealthily usurp the parking space for her own ulterior football-viewing purposes, the woman grudgingly grabs a package of (non-organic) cookies off of the shelf, buys them, and returns to the car to proceed home where she can allow the comfort of buttery shortbread to console her in her misunderstood state. Bleh!)

END SCENE

the sounds of the holidays

2007-12-06T12:23:00.001-05:00

Last week I completed the last "experiment" I need to do for my dissertation (unless some thesis committee members unexpectedly bust out some new demands, but I'm going to assume the chances of that are slim). I need to do some data analysis and potentially run a few more samples if I can possibly get that particular assay to start working again in our lab...but other than that life needs to stop being about doing experiments and start being about writing a dissertation and finding a new job. Just simple tasks, really...

Anyhow, that is why I have been absent for a while. Since I last posted, Thanksgiving has come and gone. For Thanksgiving I went to a cabin in Lake Hope State Park in Ohio, where my mom, dad, and brother gathered for a lovely time of turkey and all the fixings (and 4 pies). I try very hard to not "start" Christmas until after Thanksgiving, but let me tell you...as soon as I was "out of the woods" on my drive back to Pittsburgh on Black Friday...I opened up the newly released Relient K Christmas album and put it into the CD player!

If you like Christmas; if you hate Christmas and feel especially lonely and sad during this time; if you get sick of the snowy, cold weather of winter; if you have ever wondered what a partridge is and what it's doing in a pear tree...then you should run - not walk, run! - to the store (or website) and buy Let It Snow Baby...Let It Reindeer. This newest release from my favorite rockin' guys has several songs that were on their previous Christmas album (which...I do not have), one from an older release, and a few new ones - both originals and traditional Christmas songs. I'm rather sorry that I never picked up the old Christmas album, because it (and the new one) contains what is my current favorite song: "I Celebrate the Day". And...I hate to admit it, but my second favorite is the kind of farcical rendition of a traditional carol that is the "hidden track."

That's what I've been listening to as I've been driving to and fro in the snow and sitting for long, long hours in the lab! If I could just figure out what I did with my camera, I'll share some sights of the holidays in the next couple of days...

Have a cuppa cheer!

not quite there yet

2007-11-21T13:49:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to be more "environmentally friendly," which really means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. I won't go into what it means to me at the moment, except to say that I want to try to be more responsible with my purchases of food. That brought me to Pittsburgh's East End Food Co-Op a couple weeks ago. I have shopped there on and off over the past year, but I had never gone on a Sunday. It seems that everyone and their mother shops there on Sundays, because I had never seen so many people.

I also guess that Sundays bring out the die-hards, because as I strolled around the store picking up my granola from the bulk food section and the organic greens for Joelle and selecting a locally grown eggplant (they are sooooooo good! I can't believe I have lived for so long without appreciating the wonder that is eggplant...!) I found myself feeling quite inept, and in fact not at all environmentally friendly.

Not that people are judging, but if they were, it would have been obvious that I wasn't a real tree-hugger, because real tree-huggers brought their own glass jars, prelabeled with the jar's empty weight, in which to put their bulk food items. None of those yucky plastic bags like I picked up. And real tree-huggers wouldn't look at the organic ice cream and say, "Oh, that's all the selection there is? And only in pints? And no store-brand? Nevermind." Real tree-huggers would embrace the fact that there are no less than five different brands of organic ice cream, in a variety of flavors, not to mention the soy-based ice creamy stuff; they would support the companies who are producing sustainably-grown products when the store brands are just going for cheapness -- and they would be happy that portion-control was built in to the size, because who in the world needs to eat a half-gallon of ice cream by herself anyhow? Real tree-huggers wouldn't groan internally and say, "Man, I can buy this same cereal at Target for about half the price...!" instead of choosing to support a locally owned and operated business. They would proudly flash their Co-Op membership cards...and they'd probably then hop on their bicycles and ride home, unlike me who mumbles, "No, I'm not a member..." and gets into the car and drives the three-ish miles back home.

But hey - at least my gets 40 miles per gallon and is certified to be an ultra-low emissions vehicle!!

I guess there are levels of environmentally-friendliness, and there is probably always more any given person can do to stop depleting the earth's resources (...to be quite technical, I guess the best a person could do is DIE, because not only is the person no longer using the bounty of nature, he's now giving back to the earth as his body decomposes...but I'm not suggesting that's what we do to save the earth!). And I guess that my small steps are better than no steps at all.

hodgepodge

2007-11-19T10:44:00.000-05:00

Last Thursday Relient K made their closest stop to Pittsburgh on their Appetite for Construction tour with Switchfoot and an opening band ironically called ruth (I assure you - it's not me, and you don't want me to be on a stage singing...not pretty). Unfortunately, the venue was still 2.5 hours away; fortunately, it was in one of my most favorite towns and I know a few people there. Unfortunately, the weather was sort of ucky - rain and a little hail/sleet/iceball stuff - on the drive there; fortunately, there was little traffic congestion, even on the roads that are often jammed (that's what happens when one leaves much earlier than rush hour!). Unfortunately, the lack of traffic meant I arrived a lot earlier than I needed to (not actually a bad thing...); fortunately, someone in town called me and invited me over for a wonderful home-cooked dinner in the meantime, and there was still ample time to arrive at the concert and meet up with the group I was sitting with. Unfortunately, the lead singer of Relient K was not feeling well and sounded a little pained to be singing; fortunately, despite his illness, they did not cancel the show as they had been contemplating. I would have been really, really, REALLY bummed if they had canceled. I have been waiting for this concert for months.

Despite the not-feeling-well-ness, the performance was very enjoyable, and I was just happy to see the band in real life. They played some of my favorite songs and one off of their new Christmas album, which I just purchased and can't wait to start playing once Thanksgiving is over. I just think it's appropriate to wait until one major holiday has concluded before really ramping up for another one. Although I did put up my Christmas tree, lights, and nativity scene yesterday...but that was more of a logistical decision, because I won't have time for that again for another two weeks, and then it's too close to Christmas!

Friday and Saturday I attended a branch meeting of the American Society for Microbiology (I know, aren't I the most way-cool clubs???), which was at a small college on the other side of Pittsburgh. It was informative and interesting, and I enjoyed talking with many of the other attendees. However, for some reason it's left me in a work-related-emotional slump. I guess I had sort of been hoping to make some good connections for post-doctoral positions at the meeting, but that didn't happen the way I had envisioned. It wasn't all bad, and I did glean some information about a couple places I have been thinking about applying, but it wasn't what I had hoped for. It brings into question whether it's just utterly ridiculous to ever want something, because it seems that it's entirely too heartbreaking to deal with when what we want does not come to fruition. But maybe that's just real, true humanity -- wanting something, even though we know that it may never come into being, seems to be at the core of being a genuine human being. I guess that in many ways I would prefer to be disappointed than to become so callously apathetic that I don't care whether anything at all ever occurs. Doesn't make it any easier, though.

i can write

2007-11-12T14:32:00.000-05:00

The day has finally arrived...!

Last week Thursday I had my sixth thesis committee meeting. These meetings occur approximately every six months and involve me meeting with the five professors who oversee my research, telling them about what I've been doing, and hearing what they think I ought to do next. For this meeting I pulled together all the data I've accrued from the past five years, sorted through it to put it in the most honest and yet favorable light, and presented my case. And lo and behold, the response I've been longing for arrived:

Stop doing more lab work and write that thesis.

Woo hoo! Know what that means? I get to graduate!! (Soon. Well, in a relative sense. Probably March-ish of next year, which is only a few months away.)

Thus, as I embark on the fun last stage of this journey with the companionship of my trusty computer, I think I'm going to need one major item that I currently lack: a workstation that does not contribute to the massive pain in my shoulders that I am currently feeling. If anyone has some thoughts, please do let me know.

Yay, thesis! ...Oh yeah - this also means I'm supposed to find a new job...! Starbucks a few miles from my apartment is hiring.... ;-)

the little things and the big things

2007-10-31T13:52:00.001-04:00

For some reason my thoughts of late have led me to appreciate "things" more than normal. But the "things" aren't always all that related to one another.

The novel Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank has been on my mental reading list since 1994. I'm finally reading it. Oops. The book is set back in the 1950s and revolves around the reality of nuclear war in the United States. It's made me think a lot about not so much what I'd do if my country were to be obliterated by a nuclear weapon but what I'd do if I were forced to "regress" in technology - if, for example, electricity no longer existed. What if transportation was not as simple as turning the starter of an engine and I couldn't just run to the grocery store when I got a craving for ice cream, and water was something I prized as a necessary drink and not as a means of washing, a medium for recreational swimming, or the makings of a relaxing, artistic fountain? And all of this reading and pondering has led me to appreciate two things more than I ever have.

First is the passengers who were aboard United Airlines Flight 93 on September 11, 2001. I think of how confused and troubled the country was when the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were devastated that day, and I can only shudder at the thought of what else would have occurred had Flight 93 reached its destination, presumably the Capitol or the White House. It makes me wonder to myself...if I had the opportunity to stop the destruction of the building and/or persons that represent my country, would I do it? I believe it's a worthy cause. But would I really be brave enough to do something if it were really, truly my life that was going to be what made the difference? In light of Alas, Babylon, I have a deeper appreciation for what "symbols" of a country are worth, and I entirely have a new perspective of and respect for the passengers aboard Flight 93 who did not just accept the inevitable. That's a big thing.

The second is really not worth mentioning in light of the deep, serious paragraph just typed, but it points out that even though "big things" count, so do little things. Like coffee. On the morning of my ponderings about Flight 93, I had made myself a particularly good, smooth mug of coffee. It was a big deal by any stretch of the imagination, but...man, oh man, was it enjoyable! As I go through my mundane, normal life, as I dream about the "big things" that might be done someday, am I taking the time to appreciate all of the little, amazing things that are gracing my life every day? Or am I too focused on waiting for a big thing to happen? I think that if I keep my sights fixed on the big things, I will be altogether insensitive to the little things, and that would be an extreme misfortune.

Speaking of coffee...in some senses, this guy does not even deserve my recognition, but in case you haven't heard yet about DaVido, he's a New York nightclub singer whose self-proclaimed goal in life ("big thing") is to have an album of his sold at Starbucks. He wrote a song called "The Java Jitter," inspired by a trip to Sbux and a conversation with a hot barista, and tried to solicit it to Starbucks but they rejected it. I suppose we all must have dreams, but this guy cannot take "no" for an answer, so instead he is attempting to win his way in by busting into Starbucks stores, attempting to shoot a video, and sequentially getting tossed out because it's against Starbucks policy to allow recording within its stores. He has now posted a 7-minute "music video" of this experience Perhaps I'm slightly biased because I find DaVido's song and dancers quite distasteful, but I find his methods to be entirely disrespectful, which certainly is not the way to sell one's self to a corporation. If he can't adhere to Starbucks' rules, why in the world would they want to give him a chance to represent them? Call me a Starbucks softie, but I think they're entirely in the right. Establishments are still entitled to the right to ensure a reasonable atmosphere! And recording labels are still entitled to the right to select the music they wish to market! And besides that, I think people should be nice to each other.

So love your country and enjoy your coffee, but don't get disillusioned by either.

outside

2007-10-29T13:27:00.000-04:00

It's unfortunate to be cooped up inside doing work in a lab or at a computer when it's the most beautiful season of the year out of doors! The lab where I do most of my lab work has no windows, and the window in the room I do my computer work gives me a great view of a brick wall and more windows. And I suppose that is why when I have "free time" (or...when loyal friends forcibly drag me away from work) I go outside.

The latest adventure came a week ago when I and a couple friends and a bunch of friends-of-friends drove down to West Virginia to stay in a cozy modern cabin and experience Bridge Day 2007. This event allows BASE jumpers (BASE = Building, Antenna, Span, Earth -- i.e. things that are tall) to jump from an 876 foot bridge and (assuming all goes as planned) free fall for several seconds before parachuting down to the bottom of the New River Gorge. It was exciting to watch these men and women jump, flip, and otherwise fall and then pull their chutes and end up safely on land (or...sometimes in the river).

The best part, however, was the trees. It's the middle of autumn, and that means the West Virginia trees are gold, orange, red, and green. I appreciate the green that remains, mostly contributed by conifers. The tree-covered hills turn out looking like an incredibly comfortable quilt to me.It was very refreshing to get out and roam the West Virginia "country roads," although it wasn't quite the same without some John Denver coming out of the speakers.We took the roads to get to a hiking area, where we ended at a beautiful overlook with a view of the bridge the day after Bridge Day.We also took the roads to get to the site where we went rappelling down a 100 foot cliff, that was around the mountain from these cliffs:(Sorry, I was incapable of taking a picture of myself rappelling, and I haven't gotten the pics from my fellow rappellers.)

And then...back inside to work...

it's my...

2007-10-12T07:40:00.000-04:00

Not to toot my own horn, but it's my birthday!

And it's also Columbus Day.

For all who are burning to know, I am planning to celebrate by...

Accomplishing some immunology and microbiology work at the lab
Attending a conference about science down the street
Visiting the chiropractor
Attempting to go home and sleep as soon as possible

The past several weeks have left me exhausted (and with big back, shoulder, and leg pains...), thanks to massive amounts of lab work, and even though I have a yummy supply of coffee to hold me over, I'm really quite tired. It's gotten to the point where I am really quite incapable of even writing an email that makes any sense. So, all I want for my birthday is...my bed.

This also means that if you happen to call me to wish me happy birthday, please don't do so too late. :-) I will certainly be turning off my phone's ringer as soon as I'm ready to hit the sack.

The large amount of work-related tasks I've been up to explains (or rather...is my excuse for...) the lack of writing I've done here. Sorry about that. Here's the summary of the last month: work...sleep...work...visit to my favorite city ever...work...sleep...work...decide to go on a trip in May...work...sleep...work...convinced myself that all of my hard work had earned me a Starbucks pumpkin latte, but it was the grossest thing I've ever had...work...sleep...work...car got hit by a golf ball as I was sitting in it at a parking lot...work...sleep...work...haven't gotten time to swing by the body shop to get an estimate for the car...work...sleep...work...work...no sleep...work...meetings with fun and interesting engineers...work...sleep...work...

You're all caught up.

Seriously, it hasn't been that awful - I've also had some really good times with various friends, and I accomplished a bit more of a sock. Woo hoo.

There is a bit more news to share, but I'm too tired to write about it in an engaging manner today. So...I'm going to go finish my coffee and head over to the conference where they will be serving me MORE coffee...hooray!!

sweater weather

2007-09-17T17:12:00.000-04:00

Labor Day came and went. I spent it, as I mentioned earlier, camping......and hiking.That was the first indication that fall was on its way. It was also, I think, the first time in many, many months that I pulled on a sweatshirt at night. Mostly because I was outside, but still.

The next indication came when the temperatures started to drop. Yesterday boasted a brilliantly blue sky, sun sparkling down on the still-green leaves...and a high of 62 in Pittsburgh. Now that is what I like to hear. Because it can only mean one thing...The Starry Night sweater has made an appearance! It is almost autumn!! The autumnal equinox is Sunday...are you ready? It's...sweater weather!

To celebrate (? er...actually, just because I am), I've begun work on two sweaters. In a sudden convergence of yarn and magazine, I picked out two sweaters from the Spring 2007 Interweave Knits. For some reason, they are both raglans. The first is the Green Tea Raglan, which I'm making with Frog Tree Merino.The snake-like thing is the "belt" that goes around the waist. Technically, I made this in Frog Tree Alpaca, because it just so happened that I had half a ball of some of exactly the same color of that, and it managed to get thrown in with the merino, and I realized it but decided I might as well use it up to make the belt. I also decided to call this the Coral Tea Sweater since mine's not green.

The other sweater is the Cable Down Raglan, which I am making in Lion Brand Fisherman's Wool. Ages ago I began making an Aran sweater in this. That went through various iterations of disaster (gauge change...messed up parts...) until I finally decided that even if I ever did manage to make the crazy cabled thing, I'd never want to wear it because I don't like the way it is made to fit (and I have no inclination to alter it to fit the way I want). So now the wool is becoming a different cabled beast. I am sort of thinking this yarn is cursed in my hands, because no sooner had I gotten through the first repeat of the cable pattern, complete with very lovely shaping, when...I realized that there was an error in the pattern (because the next instructions made NO SENSE at all). Okay, so not a big deal, I just had to set down this until I had time to find the correction online (because of course Interweave decided in that issue that they'd no longer print the corrections in the magazines - and I do have the issue that said there needed to be a change in the pattern - and they are only available online). I set it aside and went to work on some socks I'm making with yarn I got in Vienna last year.I used the Round Toe from Charlene Schurch's More Sensational Knitted Socks and am doing a ribbing-ish pattern I made up.

I'm also making progress (slowly) on the Brioche Bodice from another Interweave. I have about 5ish more rows of unshaped knitting to do before I can start tackling double decreases, but at least it's brioche stitch and not ultra-boring stockinette. Although...brioche isn't that much more exciting.And finally I found the corrections for the Cable sweater. And that was when I really decided that there's something up with me+this-yarn. Not only were the original instructions for the next step I need to take with the thing incorrect...but so were the instructions for all I'd done up to this point. ! Gasp! Sigh! Grrrr...! It's a minor change, but I know it will make the garment look much better. ...But it also means I have to rip it all out and start over. Bleh...

I guess I won't be wearing that one anytime soon. Thankfully I have many other sweaters in stock in preparation for sweater weather!

musings on age

2007-09-05T09:54:00.000-04:00

Labor Day weekend had me thinking about "me" as a 26-year old. I spent the majority of the weekend tent camping with some other women around my age who are residents at a hospital. In many senses, we are so young! It's sort of amazing for me to think that they're doctors, I almost have my doctorate, and we're not 30 yet! We (assuming we survive) have a long, long life ahead of us! Wow! We've come so far in such a short amount of time. A camping neighbor visited us and exclaimed about how neat it is to see young people like us spending time in the great outdoors.

After the camping trip, I spent a little over 24 hours in a nearby college town. As I meandered around the campus, I was struck by how young everyone seemed. And when I thought about it, the freshmen starting their university studies really are likely 7 to 9 years younger than I, and that's a significant age difference. No wonder they looked young!

I volunteer as a librarian at my church on Sundays, and it turns out that I'm in the children's library. The most profound thing that I have learned in that position is that while children are children, they are still people. Sometimes I (and others I have observed) tend to treat children like pets. As if they can't understand language or facial expressions (which, incidentally, I believe pets actually do have some capacity for). As if they can't comprehend complex emotions and ideas -- and as if they don't have their own complex emotions and ideas. Working with the kids in the library has taught me that this is entirely untrue, and that really...children are just small adults. The major difference between most children and most adults appears to be that children don't know better than to suppress their inner selves; adults have learned that to be "polite" or "socially acceptable" they must act according to specific rules, even if that is not how they really are inside. Not that this is totally a bad thing, but the point is that children are much more genuine than adults.

Seeing children as people instead of children (or pets...) reminds me that the college freshmen I saw this weekend are also people and not college freshmen. And that the teenagers at the next-door campsite who found it desirable to eat dinner away from their parents by sitting in the middle of the paved street are also people and not teenagers. Plunking these individuals into categories diminishes who they really are and limits who and what others will allow them to be. There is value and worth in the thoughts and feelings that all of these people have, even if they're not as "advanced" as matured adult-thoughts and adult-feelings.

And...to come full circle and apply this to myself... During my visit to the college town, I attended a conference centered around bioenergy (yes, like my beloved microbial fuel cell). In a conversation with two professors I met, I expressed the framework of my increasingly-more-lucid future dreams (which, yes, you may have noticed have not actually been spelled out on this blog; it's sort of like "if I write it...it won't come true"...). The two professors, who have many years of experience and expertise in the fields of which I spoke, both met me with "uh...do you have any idea what you're talking about?" looks. At least that's how I felt. I am increasingly aware that I try very hard to say the things that make people happy with me, but sometimes the ways they respond that make me think I have not impressed them do not in fact necessarily mean I have failed at presenting myself to them in a favorable light; I still feel that way, but I don't think it's always how they feel about me. Not that it should matter so much what others think of me.

Anyway - I felt like my thoughts and feelings were obviously not very "mature adult-thoughts and adult-feelings." Immediately the scale that weights the "goodness" or "badness" of a day began tipping far towards the BAD side. Then another professor, the one in charge of a program I'm interested in (and thus the one I'm most interested in impressing...), spoke with me and further discouraged my idea and encouraged me to try a different approach. To be fair, the approach this professor suggested is the more traditional one and in some senses would be easier. But just because it's easier and is the way everyone else does it doesn't mean it's better. Right? But then you throw into the mix-of-thoughts the fact that this professor and the other two have all been working successfully in their respective fields for a long time and know what they're talking about...and maybe I should listen to them. How do I know if my way won't work, though? But if it doesn't, all those folks who gave me the "you're crazy" looks will just shake their heads and say "I told you so" and remind me of my silliness to even try.

...Once my brain hits this point, the scale tips to the COMPLETELY AWFUL, WASTE OF TIME DAY mark, and I'm sorry I ever came to this conference and want to just move to Switzerland and pursue research on something totally unrelated so I can get away from all possible thoughts and associations with these people who must think I'm a complete idiot for even envisioning the future that I spoke of...

It reminds me of when I wanted to be the place kicker on the high school football team but after practicing and training through the summer, right before the season started the football coach basically told me I couldn't. But that's another story.

So, I suppose what I should learn and do from all of this is take these peoples' suggestions for what they're worth, give myself some credit (after all, I'm 26 and nearly have my PhD in microbiology and molecular virology - I must have some idea of what is going on, right!), and remember that I'm a person, too, regardless of my age and experience, and my thoughts and feelings do have value. I am a person and not a 26-year-old microbiologist. That is far, far too limiting of a definition.

what i want

2007-08-18T16:26:00.000-04:00

I kind of think I should not write this here; it's more like a journal entry. But what the heck...maybe it will be of assistance to someone else.

I haven't reached any final conclusions yet, but many things are ordering themselves neatly in My Crazy Brain regarding where I'm headed in "the future." Specifically this means "my career." Over the past several weeks I've been getting (I hope!) a much better vision of (again, career-wise) what I enjoy, what I'm good at, what that means, and what I should do about it. If I had to give a word to the result of all this thinking, it is CLARITY. Not utter and complete clarity, but clarity nonetheless.

But something else has happened as I've been attempting to muddle through myself and all that is me. Not only can I now look through job ads and say, "Nope...nope...not quite...hey that one's good...nope...no" (instead of my previous method: "Hm...well...I could do that...but I'm not sure if I'd really like it...but it's a job...and it's at a pretty good institution...and maybe if I work on that virus for a while I'll learn to like it...") but I also feel a bit more capable of viewing people this way. I can't believe I just wrote that - it sounds excruciatingly cruel, judgmental, and mean. But I don't quite mean, "Hey, let me go down a line of people and give them a plus or a minus and decide whether I will give them the time of day or not." I'm still all about being kind and respectful and friendly to all people. However, I think I can also tell with more clarity who is a good "mesh" for me and who isn't. (Please, if you do insist on thinking I'm being cruel, judgmental, and mean, please please please tell me -- I'm still open to being wrong, even in my own self-evaluation!!!)

The concepts of "compatibility" and "chemistry" in the study of social interactions have long been rather repulsive to me simply because they seem to be so...categorical. "Ruth, you'd do well with someone who is intelligent, conservative, driven, and family-oriented." What, so I need to just reject all people who are not highly-educated, liberal, working hard at a dead-end job, and prefer dogs and cats to children and babies? Of course, that's not precisely what it means, but you get the picture. Where's the "give people a chance" and "sometimes people change" in all of that? And isn't that saying, "I'm too good to associate with that sort of person"?

But as I understand more about who I am and what I am all about...it makes me realize that those categories, however limited, do indeed mean something. If I can say "I like this, I don't like that, I'm good at this, I'm bad at that" about myself...why in the world can I not say, "I like this type of person, I don't like that type of person, I'm good at relating with this type of person, I'm bad at properly dealing with that type of person"? I sort of think that I can...and should! It seems rather foolish to get into a relationship - friends, dating, anything - saying, "Well, no matter how utterly difficult it is to get along with this person and no matter what we do to hurt each other, I am determined to make this thing work!" That's called Control Freak and oversimplifies things.

I am believing more and more that sometimes...some people are not good for each other. May be because of one person, may be because of both people. But sometimes, there are, in fact, irreconcilable differences. ...Much better to recognize this before getting emotionally attached or - worse - making a lifelong commitment to the person, right?

politics and economics

2007-08-17T17:44:00.000-04:00

There are many things I know something about, but two that I am quite incompetent about are politics and economics. To my credit, I have in fact taken a university course in economics, and I did in fact get a good grade in it. I have never studied anything at all about politics.

However, despite this lack of understanding of these two subjects, I still feel like I have something worthwhile to say about a plan one of the Republican presidential candidates for 2008. I heard Mike Huckabee on NPR this morning, and he discussed an interesting concept: get rid of income tax. Again, I'm not economist, but I have this very huge gut feeling that making income tax a thing of the past is not going to do all that Huckabee says, and the immediate repercussions of doing so seem to be quite drastic and not at all helpful. I'm happy to hear others' comments - again, I really have no idea about economics, and this is all based on my perhaps naive common sense and the very small amount of microeconomics I remember, most of which is focused around tacos and burritos (for some reason those were the commodities my econ professor ALWAYS used for examples and exam questions...):

Huckabee boldly and rather giddily presents his listeners with the notion that when income tax is over, the IRS will be no more. As if the IRS is some Evil Monster That Sucks The Life Out of All Living Organisms. As if our main enemy is the IRS. As if the IRS is what everyone gets mad about when they have to pay taxes. Personally, I don't blame the IRS for the taxes I have to pay; obviously they are not making the laws about taxes...it's people like senators and congressional members and presidents who are creating and approving the tax laws. But that's not my point. The point is that if the IRS goes away...that means over 100,000 people suddenly don't have a job. Great start - a 1% increase in unemployment, if I am calculating unemployment rates properly. From what I can gather, Huckabee doesn't have new jobs for these IRS workers in his plan.
Too bad for the IRS, but that's not all who will be out of work. Ever needed a CPA? Won't need one anymore! Not for personal income tax returns, and also not for corporate taxes. Which means the people at your company who do all the tax stuff...yeah, they won't have a job either. And probably a few of the people who do payroll will be out of luck, also, because without payroll tax, there will be less work for payrollers to do, so some of them will get the boot.
Let's pretend that all the people who lose their jobs at the IRS and accounting firms and company payroll offices are all able to find nice jobs at McDonald's. (I'd love to go on a tangent here, because Huckabee - and I admit I admire this about him - is big on encouraging health to prevent the need for treatment later on. The tangent would go something like this: nice job at McDonald's = eat lots of BigMacs = get more health problems = need to participate in those weight-loss programs Huckabee wants to make low/no cost = more money needs to be spent by the government on the weight-loss programs, but that's a problem, because there's no income tax and all the people who are eating all the Big Macs are at poverty level and so, due to Huckabee's plan, they're not really contributing any money to the funding of the government spending budget because all the tax they "spend" gets refunded back to them.) Let's pretend all those people find jobs, even if they're not at McDonald's (hm, maybe it's the new Wal-Mart that gets put in down the road... Those Wal-Mart people are so good at creating new jobs in places that need jobs! And they also seem to be pretty good at causing landslides). But I think it's fairly safe to say that the people are probably going to be making a bit less than what they used to. That means they're going to have less money to spend. And that means either they will use credit more or that less of their money will be spent on items that would put consumption tax money into the "government money pool." Credit isn't so cool, but that's another whole Hairy Beast. The larger issue is the fact that these (and, of course, all other) non-wealthy people will effectively not be paying any taxes. And the people who didn't work for the IRS, accounting firms, etc. -- who have high-paying jobs and are "wealthy" -- WILL. Does this seem any different from the way it is now?
No corporate taxes. Let's get back to that issue. If you're a company and there's now tax on U.S. goods, why in the world would you want to buy U.S. goods? You're a big company with huge buying power and a big bottom line that reads MONEY. You simply buy more stuff from other countries who don't have all that tax on them. That, by the way, also means fewer U.S. jobs. This is because A)if corporations are buying less from the U.S., the U.S. has smaller need to employ people to make stuff for corporations to buy and B) smaller corporations or businesses won't be able to compete with the big corporations who can buy the cheaper non-U.S. goods...so the smaller guys will get shut down (okay, so maybe that one is a little anti-Wal-Mart biased...but still!).

Ugh, I'm getting tired of this!! My weariness definitely proves that I am not politically-minded... I acknowledge that there are some good points in Huckabee's plan and argument for his FairTax plan. That's great except that they're interspersed with such diabolically ungood points. I think I can muster a bit more strength to comment on a few other statements on Huckabee's website page about this issue. If nothing else, I at least want whoever reads this to be encouraged to not, not, NOT be swayed by the lovely, persuasive words Huckabee or others use to try to sway you emotionally into buying into a particular view. For example: Huckabee says that when his plan is implemented, "it will be like waving a magic wand releasing us from pain and unfairness." Um. Excuse me? ...I don't know about you, but I sort of feel uneasy about trusting someone who is going to just wave a magic wand and solve all the problems of the country. Which, truly, if you read it, is what he's saying! Yow! Perhaps if you were really desperate and were looking for someone to save you from your miserable existence this would be a welcome invitation. But I'd say that for the majority of Americans (in particular, the majority of those who would be reading Huckabee's website), they don't want magic. (Can you imagine... President Huckabee signs the FairTax bill into law...and POOF!!!! The Dow Jones Industrial Average soars to 20,000...everyone who's been laid off gets a call to come back to work IMMEDIATELY!...backruptcy is reversed...the people who foreclosed the houses and farms track down the displaced and bring them back home...the lame walk, the blind see, all pain is erased, there is racial and religious and ethnic and gender fairness as far as the eye can see...!)

One final rant - I've gotta go catch the last bus to my house!! - on this paragraph: "I believe that globalization, done right, done fairly, can be a blessing for our society. As the Industrial Revolution raised living standards by allowing ordinary people to buy mass-produced goods that previously only the rich could afford, so globalization gives all of us the equivalent of a big pay raise by letting us buy all kinds of things from clothing to computers to TVs much more inexpensively." Whom, precisely, do you mean by "us," Mr. Huckabee? I realize that you are interested in not just free trade, but also fair trade, but I think you forget that when goods are mass-produced...from the very beginning of its inception, somebody, somewhere is certainly not enjoying the "blessing" on society. I'm no history expert, but I do recall things like child-labor and deterioration of family life being quite rapid results of the Industrial Revolution. It sounds like Huckabee is convinced that the primary way to be happy is to have luxury items easily at one's disposal. Ugh...I could go on, but...I'll stop.

Tell me, what do you think of no IRS?

socks galore!

2007-08-11T10:40:00.001-04:00

FINALLY...socks are done.

Not just my sockapalooza socks, but also the Retro Rib Socks I've been working on for over a year... Ugh. That is not cool. AND I even got my own pair of sockapalooza socks in the mail yesterday. Woo hoo! If I could, I would take a picture to indicate that I have socks coming out of my ears!

Here are some photos and the tales to go along with them:

Sockapalooza Socks knit for my pal Anne.

These are made with "Peach Sherbert" Flock Sock yarn from Van Calcar Farm. It is wonderful yarn...I love it. I went with the Shimmer pattern from MagKnits. I loved that the yarn did not pool and that the colors all blend and stand out individually at the same time. I just hope they fit...! I had stupidly not started these socks until the beginning of July, knowing full well that the deadline was the start of August (and based on my skill with the Retro Ribs...yeah...knitting socks in a month...?!?!) - but I figured that with some weekly goals, I'd be good to go. That as true until the last week, when a) I had to start working ALL THE FREAKING TIME and b) I ran into some dropped stitch issues which had to be fixed...then a realization that I had messed up the pattern (probably because I was knitting after working for so long...)...then the whole binding off issue. I don't know what my problem was, but I could not for the life of me get the top cuff bound off loosely enough for someone to actually stick her foot through the hole and get the sock on. I had to redo it three times. I really hate undoing bind-offs...but at least now I'm pretty good at it!

Retro Rib Socks for me.

I love this pattern. I think I could even use a crazy-colored yarn and it would be very lovely; generally I wouldn't be a fan of texture with multi-colored yarn. But, like most everything else, I had a few issues with these socks, too. The largest of which you probably have already noticed: I have two dye lots of yarn. If you look at the sock on the left, you'll notice that just past the gusset (that's the part that connects the heel to the foot) the color changes. Yuck. I kind of coulda gone back and made this color change a bit less visible, but...I didn't want to. Recall...I have been working on these FOR A YEAR. No way was I going to undo any of my knitting just to fix a part of a sock that usually will be covered with shoes anyhow. So...if you see me wearing these socks, please don't say anything about the two-tone... I also could have made them a bit less long in the foot. But not a big deal. The worst thing I did with these socks was put them on the day after I finished them and then did a bunch of cooking. Somehow I managed to effectively "clean" the floor with the socks...the poor wool is now a filthy mess. Bleh. Gotta bust out out the hand-wash-wool soap... I also learned with these socks that I quite dislike having to recalculate everything when I choose a yarn for a project that has a different gauge than the yarn specified in the pattern. Not only did I have to do that for these socks, but I had to do it twice because in between sock 1 and sock 2 I lost the copy of the pattern on which I had written all my calculations. Grrrrrr....

Socks Made For Me! by my sockpal, Cathy.

When I took out these socks, the very first thing I said was, "These are WONDERFUL!" It's always amazing to me how people who don't even know me can pick out yarn and a pattern and make socks for me that I absolutely adore. The color: perfect. (I actually think I have a shirt my sister gave me that matches it precisely!) The pattern: awesome. I'm rather tempted to make some myself with this Uptown Boot Sock pattern from Favorite Socks - enough of a texture (and knitting challenge!) without being crazy and making my head hurt. I put on my new socks right away, but immediately put on slippers (you can see one in the picture) lest I decided to go venture into the kitchen to do some more "cleaning"...

And that is the story of the socks. The sockapalooza socks are getting into the mail today (okay...so I'm a bit late for the August 2-7 deadline...well...oops...life took a few unexpected turns, we'll leave it at that), and that means all of my knitting-for-others is done! Woo! Perhaps that means I can make something for myself (that won't be socks that take a year...).

Or...perhaps not, because my friend Jen had her baby on Thursday...and perhaps he needs a cute little crocheted bunny...and a sweater...and some booties...?

i'm okay

2007-08-07T22:23:00.001-04:00

Er, well, at least I am alive. Perhaps "okay" is not how many would describe me.

In brief, here is what I have been doing:

Camping with Mom and Dad
Attempting to get my Sockapalooza socks finished by the Absolute Final Deadline, which was today, and which was not accomplished because I am apparently incapable of binding off in a manner that allows one's foot to still fit through the top of a sock
Trying to finish a piece of writing for work that I wanted to finish about 6 months ago
Preparing for doing a ton-load of work in the lab
Plotting my future
Doing the ton-load of work in the lab

This last is where I'm at right now. It's been something to the tune of 15-plus hour days for 8 days straight, and it will be this way with perhaps 5 days off between now and August 22. So if I don't appear to be in existence based on my writing on this blog, that is why.

By the way, do you realize how much time is left over for sleep when someone works 15 hours daily? Particularly when it takes between 15 and 30 minutes to get to or from work (depending on which road is closed at the specific hour on the specific day of the commute) and that it's utterly impossible to just roll out of bed and leave for work -- give at least 30 minutes for feeding a rabbit, showering if at all possible, locating clothing and food...and (most importantly) brewing some good, strong coffee.

the deathly hallows

2007-07-20T08:00:00.000-04:00

Today is the official release of the final book in the Harry Potter series, in case for some reason you don't know. (It is interesting that the release of a "children's book" is national news, but...hey, so was the trampling of people at Wal-Mart when they started selling the Xbox 360. News, I tell you...)

For those curious, no I did not preorder the book, no I do not intend to rush out and attempt to buy it, and yes I am going to try very, very, very, very hard to not find out what happens until I find the time (and a copy of the book) to read.

I am, however, wearing my Harry and the Potters t-shirt today. It is a reminder to all that no matter what happens in the last book...

Voldemort Can't Stop the Rock!

i should have been an engineer

2007-07-12T10:22:00.000-04:00

Gracious!

Not that I'm getting worried or anything, but as I embark on this "what am I going to do once I graduate?" quest and start looking into jobs and fellowships and all that jazz, I am discovering that engineering seems like a very lovely place to be. I pulled up a listing of jobs openings being advertised through the University's career services website, and no less than HALF of the jobs were for engineers! And they weren't in boring things like "do research for the rest of your life" or "let's run the same computer simulation every day Monday through Friday for 80 years" or any other rat-race things that seem unappealing to me. They were in practical application settings (like...manage water treatment) and useful, cutting-edge disciplines (like...the U.S. patent office).

I'm sure these jobs aren't nearly as splendiferous as I envision them to be, but the fact remains that a) any one of these jobs would NOT require a PhD and b) any one of these jobs would pay at least twice as much as any job I'll be getting in the next five years even WITH my PhD in biomedical science (unless I go into biotech or pharmaceuticals, which I don't want to do). I think people assume that because a person has lots of letters after his or her name, that person must be earning a whole lot of money. That is not true.

Not that money is everything. But still - I sometimes regret that I did not really comprehend what engineering was until about 3/4 of the way through my last year of undergrad. ...Actually, I didn't really get it until about 6 months ago. I believe I would have really enjoyed engineering, at least certain types of it. Now I feel like it's too late to learn it and/or too expensive to go back to school to study it.

Pity, too, because although there's that geeky, nerdy image always given to engineers, my experience has been that there are actually two categories of engineers. One is that classic kind: Dilbert-esque, with horn-rimmed glasses taped together with white tape, always way more organized than ever necessary, in their own world using language nobody but engineers understand, and entirely socially inept. The other is a completely different breed: they are hot (as in good-looking), fit, suave, charismatic, and could be Abercrombie & Fitch models. I kid you not. I have known many such people! Combine that all with the extraordinary intelligence and drive one must have to be an engineer, and you have pretty much the perfect individual. ...And to think I could have gone into engineering and met a perfect man while sitting in thermodynamics class and fallen in love (since the male:female ratio in engineering is such that any woman has a pretty good chance of finding an available man) and lived happily ever after with lots of money... Sigh. What was I thinking??! But I suppose I would have been just as likely to have gotten stuck with Dilbert.

Anyways, that's not a good reason to embark on any particular career. Beyond the excitement, money and amazing-men draws of engineering, we get back to the whole microbial fuel cell thing. My heart is not set on these or any other sorts of biofuel technologies, but every so often I wish that I held the knowledge that would enable me to hop right into that field instead of needing to work with all my might to open the door to get myself in. It's useful. It's interesting. And it's something I just wish I could understand more. But I don't recall how to do calculus and I can't keep electrochemistry terms straight and I never totally understood quantum mechanics (I know - it was just me who didn't get that concept, right?). It feels like when I look at the fuel cell world...it's in this glass building that I can peer into, but which I need a special key to gain access, and I don't HAVE that special key, so I can never get in. I can't get to that thing that go grabs at my heart, that sparks such an interest in me. ...Probably the fact that I "can't" have it is part of what makes me want it so much...

But what am I talking about? I don't want to have a career in biofuel cell research and development! I want to teach! What am I fretting about?

...But it would be cool if I could teach engineering...

:-)

movies

2007-07-11T09:04:00.001-04:00

Yay! It's Harry Potter movie day!

Before you do anything else, you must go and watch this video about the Dark Lord Waldemart courtesy of the Harry Potter Alliance. Hee hee.

In my infinite lack of foresight, I completely forgot that today was the release of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix but had intended to write about movies as referenced in yesterday's post. So, there you go. And thus I begin my post about movies.

I have seen a TON of movies in the past several days. Well, a ton for me, at least. I don't watch much media at all. I have no idea which television shows are good, bad, or even being broadcast (except that NPR made this big deal about The Sopranos ending, so I know that's over). I don't really remember the last time I went to a movie theater before Tuesday night (it was, I'm sure, sometime in the past year, but a year turns out to be too long for me to remember very well). I do remember that I saw Pirates of the Carribbean 2 at the drive-in, but I usually don't count that as a real theater. I've been so conditioned to resist movies that when a certain person whose name begins with D asked me several months ago if I wanted to go to a movie with him, I very promptly said, "No!" with a very big exclamation point. What I meant was I did not want to go to a movie - not that I didn't want to do something with him. I also very promptly explained why I had so emphatically said no. But still...me and my big, uncontrollable, tactless mouth... ...And I wonder why he doesn't talk to me anymore... :-)

Anyhow, the movies I have seen this week:

Sunday I went to Cinema in the Park, which is something run by the Pittsburgh Citiparks where they hoist up this huge screen and show movies. For several years the running joke was that I was never going to be able to actually view one of these, because every time I made plans to go, it rained, and that meant it was canceled for the night. Fortunately, last summer the trend changed, and I have now been able to attend a couple times. This weekend's movie was the Lake House with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves (not my favorite choices, but what does that matter?). Not too bad. Required enough thinking and trying to keep track of dates and times and such, and so it kept me on my toes. Not full of sex, violence, drugs, or other offensive sorts of things.

Monday night I pulled out the sock and sat myself down with some popcorn to rewatch the first Harry Potter movie. It is a little pathetic, but I only own 6 DVDs. I own more videos, but I have nothing with which to watch them. That's okay. The DVDs in my collection are as follows: the first 4 Harry Potter movies...an independent film someone I know made...and Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet. I guess that means I like Harry Potter. I didn't quite make it through the whole movie Monday night and had to go to bed just as the kids started playing a huge game of chess.

Yesterday I actually went to a movie theater, which turns out to be a really great choice in the middle of July because there is air conditioning. Incidentally, when I got home yesterday after work, the A/C in my apartment was on, which meant that it's been fixed! Hooray! It's been out for about 2 weeks, although gratefully the unit has seemed to keep itself fairly constantly at about 75 degrees even without the artificial cooling. Still, it was nice for things to be in working order again. The movie I watched was Ratatouille, and I rather liked it. I also rather liked the theater my friend and I attended to watch it - it's WAAAAAAAAY smaller than anything I've ever been to (for quite a long time, Grand Rapids was the worldwide leader in movie screens per capita, and they are still home to 20-theater Studio 28, which was the largest theater complex in the US for some time and (I think) is still the largest in the state of Michigan) but was lovely in its quaintness and reminded me that city-stuff can be nice even if one prefers big, huge suburban-stuff. (I will note, however, that the movies cost the same amount at this little theater as they do at the big theaters at the big shopping centers farther from the hustle and bustle of the city.) ...Ah yes, the movie. It was funny. I found myself laughing out loud a lot. Again it was good, clean humor - appreciated. There's also a short shown at the beginning of the movie, which seems to be the going rate with Pixar films these days - it was quite good, also.

With all that, I'm movied out, so I think I'll wait a bit to see HP5.

After the movie last night the friend I went with and I were talking about films, and the topic of chick-flicks came up. I commented that I don't prefer watching them because I think they tend to breed a lot of discontent and disillusionment. You know - "Oh, even though this relationship I'm in is totally cruddy, in the end a magical man will swoop in and save the day and we'll live happily ever after" or "That couple is so happy...I wish I had a Romeo who suddenly falls in love with me when he looks at me through an aquarium and then I'll lie to my parents and the next day we'll get married even though I don't even know anything about him - like his drug problem and that he was lovesick over some other girl just this past afternoon and his incapacity to control his anger and other emotions and how he and his friends all like to randomly shoot things on the beach..."

My friend agreed and added that in these movies it's the same thing every time: there's an emotional affair. It's like humans can't possibly be entertained by watching a couple remain singly interested in JUST one another - there always has to be at least one competing interest that is preventing either the man's or the woman's life. And thus is it any wonder that this is what happens in real life, too? The concept of having two men to pick between - keeping both of them "around" just in case the other doesn't pan out - seems to have invaded the thinking of the American culture. How sad. This comment caught my attention, and I've been mulling over it ever since. I won't go so far as to say "love," but emotions are a powerful force. I do hope I do not fall victim to their overwhelming tendency to grip and control my thinking, particularly in the matter of relationships!

in which i actually knit something

2007-07-10T16:50:00.001-04:00

Look! Yes, it's true, I have been knitting. I promised! I wasn't lying! Here's what I've been making:

First is a "nursing tank-top" for my friend who is expecting her first baby, a little boy, in August. I thought: cloth-diaper-supporter...appreciates knitting because she can make scarves...having a baby in the hottest month of the year...this lady would certainly appreciate a nursing tank! I don't have a very good picture of the finished (meaning all sewn together) product, but here's something, at least.This was actually pretty fun to knit. The bottom was way boring - just round and round and round stockinette, although the periodic increases did keep me on my toes (and the fear that the whole thing was going to be way too short because it just rolls up and there's no ribbing at the bottom also helped keep me alert). The top part, though, was really neat! It's made in double-end knitting (which means knit one stitch with one ball of yarn, knit the next one with a second ball, continue - it makes a more "durable" (and less see-through) fabric but rather requires using two hands at once) and has many short-rows, and there was one point in the pattern when I stopped and just had to stare at the instructions for about 15 minutes until it all made sense. They're very well-written directions (I did find one "mistake" I suppose you'd call it), and it all worked out in the end. And making the inside triangles was also pretty fun. Then I got to bust out my sewing machine and sew this, that, and the other thing together. What fun! It did get a little stressful when the baby shower kept getting closer and closer and I still had much knitting to do. Fortunately work slowed down enough for me to spend some long evenings finishing up.

The other item I'm working on is another deadline knitting project. I really have to stop doing this "make it by X date so you can give it" although I must admit that everything I've set out to make for someone else has been completed pretty quickly, but the top and socks I started for myself A YEAR AGO are still not done... That's sad. At any rate, the current challenge is sockapalooza socks.

I was sure I had a pattern picked out, but at the last minute I changed my mind. I am making very fast (for me) progress on the Shimmer socks from MagKnits. I started on July 1, and look!Sock one is sorta-kinda-almost done! (It's past the heel, at least, and for me that means pretty much done. Heck, if worse came to worse, I could bind off right now and the sock would be done. Short, but done.)

Part of the inspiration for my very rapid progress on this one is that I have to get it done by August 2 (or 7...the deadline sort of got extended...but I will be way too busy with work at that time, so it doesn't really matter). I realized, "OH NO! I have to magically knit two socks in a MONTH!? Yow..." That has resulted in me knitting pretty much whenever I can. Waiting for the bus...riding the bus...watching movies (see tomorrow's post for insight into this rather rare event)... I was kind of angry at myself for not taking the yarn and sticks with me to the 4th of July picnic I attended...and then couldn't get away from and thus was forced to also not have my knitting as I lamely sat around waiting for the fireworks to start. That was an utter waste of something like 4 hours of knitting time! Gasp. I suppose the talking to other people thing I did instead was of some use, though.

I want to take a moment to rave about this yarn, too. It's Peach Sherbet from VanCalar Acres, a family-run sheep farm in New York. The lady who spins and dyes just happens to be from Lansing, Michigan, near where I went to undergrad. Yay! That means she sells a very lovely green and white sock yarn that I will definitely be getting for myself and perhaps some other people...! The yarn is very lovely to work with, and the colors are awesome. I really like it. Yay!

So, there you have it. I actually do knit. Though obviously not for myself...

dove

2007-07-09T10:26:00.000-04:00

The Golden Girls always had cheesecake in the refrigerator. At my old house with the 3 other women we always had Breyer's ice cream in the freezer. My new kick is to always have dark chocolate Dove Promises in the cupboard (or laying on the table, depending on how lazy I'm feeling). These little morsels of comfort and joy are great not just because of their flavanoids and chocolately goodness, but also because of the "promises" printed on the inside of the foil wrappers. These messages are various and sundry, and sometimes seem incredibly appropriate for my personal situations. Let me share a few of them with you:

Dare to love completely. That's kind of hard sometimes. This is on the dashboard of my car. Whatever that means.
Learn something from everyone you meet. That is wise. It must, of course, be tempered with "don't USE people to just learn something from them!"
Don't think about it so much. Never says what "it" is, but trust me, I know! I stuck this message by my bathroom sink, which I guess is where I tend to think about whatever it is I'm not supposed to think about so much, probably because I think a lot right before bed (when I'm brushing my teeth, etc.) and right when I wake up (when I'm washing my face, etc.).
Find your passion. Yes. I know. That is what I am attempting to do, particularly since I am supposed to be thinking about a new job...! Whenever this one comes up, I automatically entitle myself to one more piece of chocolate.
When two hearts race, both win. Awwww... Isn't that sweet...
Test your own limits and keep going. This one is now on my desk. I first read it when I was in the midst of multiple consecutive 20-hour work days (which, incidentally, make me feel really bad for doctors because they probably have 30+ work days, and that really, really is not cool!), and all I wanted to do was crash in my bed for a few days straight, but I had to KEEP GOING! It worked. Probably a combination of the inspiration and the caffeine in the chocolate (and in my Starbucks lattes), if the truth must be told.
You're allowed to do nothing. This needs to be blown up and made into wallpaper and plastered all around my living and working spaces. It's really okay if I do nothing? That sure doesn't FEEL true...! It is, however, a lesson I've been learning, and I suppose it's appropriate that it wasn't until last Friday that I found this message for the first time (it's amazing - I eat so many of these, I keep thinking I've read all of the possible messages! Those Dove people must keep coming up with new ones...); it was on Thursday night that the concept of me not DOING being all right really began to sink into my thick skull.

Hm...I'm getting HUNGRY!

dreams and legacies: the irony

2007-07-06T11:10:00.000-04:00

In light of the Independence Day celebration on July 4, I will take this opportunity to ramble about the American Dream and the concept of leaving a legacy.

Most people I've informally polled and most articles I've read indicate a very negative view of the "American Dream." According to Wikipedia (the absolute authority on such things, you know), the American Dream is "the idea held by many in the United States that through hard work, courage and determination one could achieve prosperity." I can't say that's exactly what I would define it as, myself, but yes - something along the lines of "do work, achieve comfort." I've also been taught through the culture in which I grew up that the American Dream is "bad." It's selfish, it's driven by money, power, fame, greed, and other things evil, it's all about ME.

Fair enough. I'd say that many people who are well known for having achieved the American Dream did have lots of money, held power (due to the money), obviously were famous since we know about them. Greed...I can't judge on that one.

However, I believe that there are millions of people who have also achieved the American Dream about whom we never EVER hear and about whom nobody would ever say was greedy, money-, power-, or fame-seeking. I think of a young man from the youth group I used to work with whose single-parent home was run by a cocaine addict. When he was a young teenager he left his own lifestyle of addiction and worked his way into circles of people who would give him the care and help he needed. He graduated from high school and jumped at the chance to join the military to defend those whom he had grown to love when nobody at home loved him. Is that so bad? Have you heard of him? Did he get any more money joining the Army then he would have selling cocaine in one of the richest neighborhoods in the city (the answer to that, if you wondered, is a very adamant NO!!)? Is he HAPPY? ...Yes. There are countless examples of average people like this who have pursued the "Amerian Dream" of ending up somewhere "good," which often takes a lot of work and sacrifice.

...And so why is the American Dream looked upon as this evil thing? In my opinion, at its core the pursuit of a stable lifestyle is not really that bad. No evil motivations need exist to want stability. (Right?) And although the Christian culture I know generally seems to say the American Dream is selfish and terrible and bad, I don't feel this really lines up with what the Bible says. I'm not a Bible scholar, so I'm not going to attempt to justify myself with Scripture; I'll leave that up to the reader to pursue if they feel so moved. I'll just say that one example that has made me think critically about the American Dream. The story of Jacob in Genesis chapters 29-31 tells of how Jacob went from being a bit of an outcast, running from his past, to a new place where he fell in love (or lust?) and then worked for 14 years to get the girl he wanted. In the meantime, his work as a shepherd (earning him only the "spotted and speckled" members of the flock) flourished until he was "exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and maidservants and menservants, and camels and donkeys." Heck, in the U.S. you don't need to have maidservants and manservants to be considered fulfilling the American Dream and obviously being a tad too elaborate with your lifestyle! Is the family in the suburbs that has three kids, two cars, a dog, and a mortgage considered exceedingly prosperous?

Anyhow, that's my thought on the American Dream. And I'm going to now compare it with a concept that I hear LAUDED in the "conservative Christian" culture I know. That is the concept of leaving a legacy.

Legacies are perhaps easier to define than the American Dream. A legacy is "how people will remember me." Instead of doing stuff to make life here-and-now better (which is the American Dream), legacy-makers do stuff to make life after they're dead better, be it for needy people they don't know, for their city or region or country, or for their own kin.

I have a problem with this. To me, focusing on leaving a legacy and being remembered is much more self-centered than focusing on working hard to overcome obstacles and exist in a semi-reasonable state. Instead of working towards a dream to sustain one's name (and life) for a few score years, a legacy-maker works to ensure a name FOR EVER. A legacy is ALL about "ME"...which is ironically what I've been fed the American Dream is all about. How in the world does a legacy - which inherently is "Joe Smith did this, that, and the other thing!" or "Jane Doe left us X amount of money!" or "Tom Shmo wrote this awesome song that we'll always remember!" - not give praise, laud, and glory to the person? Isn't it supposed to be about GOD?

And besides that, any of these memories of the person aren't accurate - nobody 100 years from now will be able to accurately recall the person, his or her personality, his or her favorite foods -- the stuff that really IS that person. Nope, 100 years from the time of legacy-leaving, all that's left of the person is a dim reflection (or even a jaded misrepresentation) of who the person really was. Abraham Lincoln's 56ish years of life are boiled down to "president, Civil War, emancipation, beard." I truly think that his friends would say he was much more than that!

What's the reality, per the Bible? Here's one brief section from Ecclesiastes 9:4-10.

Anyone who is among the living has hope--even a live dog is better off than a dead lion! For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no further reward, and even the memory of them is forgotten. Their love, their hate and their jealousy have long since vanished; never again will they have a part in anything that happens under the sun. Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun--all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Ecclesiastes really puts this all into perspective for me: all this human world -- it's all meaningless. What has meaning? Ecclesiastes 3:14 says "I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him."

Hm.

So, those are my patriotic thoughts for the week, I guess. In summary, I conclude that any "way of life" can be bad, it's all about the motives. I lean more towards the "American Dream" than the "legacy" and feel angry when I'm told that one way or the other is absolute evil.

point of view

2007-06-26T22:47:00.001-04:00

I have a very odd problem. It's not too often that my brain gets "stuck" and is incapable of thinking in a particular way. I enjoy word and number and logic puzzles, and I like to think that doing these helps keep my neurons flexible so they can get me through whatever problems happen to come up in life. (I think that this concept originated from my days in college, when I would convince myself that playing Minesweeper counted for a little bit of "study" time because it was such great mental exercise...)

But my brain is now officially stuck.

The conundrum: I cannot figure out how to write in a combination of first and third person.

This might require a bit of explaining, because how can anyone write from two different perspectives simultaneously? That is illogical! (And is probably why my brain is giving out on me). But here's what I want to do, and this takes me back to my age-old aspiration of being a novelist - write a story that has parts told by a woman in first person ("I went to the store, I bought groceries...") but also seamlessly shifts to third person where the original story-teller is STILL telling the story, but it's not longer her story ("At the store I saw my friends Bill and Craig. They went home and played video games. While they were playing they had an interesting conversation and it went like this...").

I have been pondering a) how to do this and b) why this seems to complicated, and I realized that part of the reason it's so tough for me to conceptualize is that I have been writing nearly exclusively in first person for the past five or more years. Most of the writing I do for school and work is, essentially, in first person ("We proposed to do this..." "I conducted the following experiment..."). Even the stuff I write that's not so technical is in first person - my journal is all "Today I did this; I feel like this; I wonder about this." I very rarely write anything from any other perspective! Perhaps I should practice!!

Well, anyhow, my lovely readers, have you any advice? Do you know any good books that are written in the style I'm striving for? I specifically need to figure out how I can switch from first- to third-person without having a segue in between (not like the example above; e.g. I need to say "I went to the store. The end. Next chapter: Bill and Craig were sitting playing Grand Theft Auto when all of a sudden..." without it sounding all weird).

Ah...this is what I love about writing...it's not all that simple!

By the way...is it possible to write in second person?

confirmation that i am in fact a woman

2007-06-24T23:07:00.001-04:00

...Hm, on second thought, perhaps that isn't the best of titles for a blog post. But I'm keeping it.

Hello, everyone! Yes, I exist still. It's amazing - I thought for sure that when I went to sleep at 6a.m. on Saturday morning after being in and out of the lab since 8a.m. on Friday that I would never wake up. But I did, in fact, wake up...at 2:30p.m. It was quite a surprise to look at the clock and see that the day was mostly over. I had just enough time to cram in a "breakfast" of coffee and a banana and "lunch" of chocolate chip cookie dough before it was time to meet a friend for dinner at 5! The moral of the story is that I have been crazy busy with work.

It's good - I have proven to myself that I can in fact singlehandedly take care of an experiment that normally I would be required to employ the assistance of at least 3 other people. This is very difficult to schedule, in case you couldn't figure that out for yourself. It is much easier to schedule an experiment into my life when it is just ME who needs to be involved with it. And truthfully it doesn't take that much longer to do with just me than it does with everyone else, although I have to sacrifice a couple replicates of tissue samples, which means less statistical power. But oh well. It's much less of a headache.

Now, that has nothing to do with my post's title! Let me get to the point here...

I got my hair trimmed last Saturday, and the stylist thought it would be great to straighten it. She tried to convince me that despite what everyone seems to think, it doesn't really take that much time to style one's own hair from naturally curly to unnaturally straight using a brush and a hair dryer. She did it in about 12 minutes. And, as she said, everyone should have 12 minutes to give up in a day - it would be rather a bad thing if one didn't. What she doesn't realize, though, is that even if I had all the time in the world to straighten my hair, I do not a) want to and b) own a hair dryer. At any rate, here is a picture of me with the straight and trimmed hair.Ah - and speaking of haircuts, someone else recently got one because she looked a bit crazified herself.It was indeed driving her to eat phone books, it appears. However, cutting Joelle's hair isn't a one-time event. It's a multi-day process because she dislikes it so distinctly and because there is so much hair. So I thought I might terrorize her by making a sort of mohawk and taking pictures to then display on the world wide web.Finally we got it all off. Isn't she a looooong bunny??I love it when she lays all stretched out like that.

Okay, so I got my hair cut. And then I threw on jeans and a fleece and old tennis shoes and ran some errands and went to an intense counseling session and then went to the vicinity of my church. I wanted to attend the Saturday night service because I was slated to meet a friend on Sunday and wanted to keep that open in case I had to hit the road before church time to reach the 3-hour-away destination. I didn't realize that there are extra funky people hanging around the church area on Saturday evenings.

I should note that my church is located in what many would call a "bad" part of town. It's really not, but it is on the cusp and is often populated with people who would most likely fall into the poverty category. Not that this really bothers me, but I am aware that there are certainly some shady dealings going on at some times, and it's good to keep aware of one's surroundings.

I had reached the church area early and decided to walk a block to the gas station to get some food since I was absolutely starving. As I walked along this fine gentleman (I say sarcastically) called out, "Where you going with that fine self?" (And, I should note - this was the best - this other dude leaning against the wall of the building I was passing muttered, "None of your business!" Thanks, man!) I totally ignored him and kept walking. But then I thought...wait a second...I'm wearing JEANS a FLEECE and GRUBBY TENNIS SHOES. Hello??! I do NOT look fine! But, apparently I did, because when I (regrettably) walked back the same way, he reminded me several more times that I looked good. Maybe it was the haircut?

Okay, so that was last week. And it didn't irk me too much other than the fact that even if I try really hard to be modest and don't try at all to even look nice, men can still take a totally innocent woman and situation and make it be inappropriate. (I should note that women can also do this; the point isn't that men are evil, because they're not. They're just men.)

This week walking to church, however, was when I really realized that I'm a woman.

I like to think that I don't come off as being very vulnerable. I'm tall and I usually try to walk like I know where I'm going. And I am pretty sure it looks like I could run really fast if I had to (and I am pretty sure I actually could, too). I try to convince myself that I am, in fact, quite confident and capable and safe and able to defend myself or deal with bad people that might happen upon my path. And then something like today happens.

I'm on my way to church, going across the street, and this guy is jaywalking across the other street perpendicular to me. Our paths intersect and he says something semi-normal-to-this-area like, "Hi, Miss Lady," which usually means absolutely nothing. I replied with a friendly and courteous, "Hi!" To which he then went on, reaching into his pocket, "I've got something I know you'll love."

Er. I doubted that. I don't know what that something was, but I said, "I'm fine, I don't need anything, thanks," and kept walking.

Right, so that wasn't so bad. But...

But why in the world did I suddenly feel like I wanted to go hide somewhere and cry? Why did I feel so flustered? This person did not attack me or in any way threaten to injure me. We were in broad daylight and there's always about 5 cops doing traffic and stuff around the church, which was about 100 yards away. Why did I feel so...scared?

I'm a woman. Underneath this whole, "I've got it all together, don't mess with me, I can take care of myself, I'm very brave" facade, I know I'm this close to getting plucked from the sidewalk by some strong male and assaulted. I know I'm the target for lewd and inappropriate comments and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I know that I want someone to protect me and I hate having to walk through dark or scary places by myself.

So, in a sense, it's good for things like this to happen to me. They remind me of how I really feel deep down, how I try to cover it up and pretend I'm someone I'm not. It's unfortunate that this pretending is what is both celebrated and accepted in the world today. It's unfortunate that there is such a women-centered battle going on without very many people being acutely aware of it. And it's unfortunate that more men don't realize that women (at least this one!) want to be fought for, defended, and in the end treated with the utter dignity and sheer love for which they were created.

not all work

2007-06-14T19:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, so in case you're bored or overworked, please see here. Matty T from Relient K pointed it out on the band's blog a while back (May 11). Sure to please.

busy is good

2007-06-13T13:22:00.000-04:00

I don't think I say this very often, but: I'm busy, and it's good!

Usually when I am busy (or at least when I say I am busy - I suppose many would argue that I'm busy very often, and I have to be insanely busy before I actually think that I am) it's very NOT good. It's usually stressful, crazy, and none of the things that must be done get done nearly as well as they could/should.

But not now.

What I've got on my plate for work...

Writing a report for my thesis committee - meeting is on July 2!!!! And I am intending to do my very best to convince them that I am nearly done and only have to do a couple more experiments before I'm allowed to graduate. No small feat.
Trying to figure out why my ELISpot assay works one day and then doesn't the next, because I NEED it to consistently work June 21-28 when I take up residence in the laboratory to isolate millions and billions of cells and test them in this assay
Writing a self-evaluation of the past year for the annual review we students undergo by the faculty, due June 29
Attempting to learn 2 software packages that will (in theory) make the analysis of my data a ton easier than it is now and will allow me to make pretty pictures to include in the thesis committee report
Writing (yeah...lots of writing going on here...!) a journal article about several years' worth of my work, which requires making more pretty pictures from data that is buried in one of my 5 lab notebooks and/or in some mysterious folder on one of three computers I've used over the period of time during which the data were collected. Lesson learned: organization is very helpful, and I need to be more organized.
Trying to make it so the "important!" marked emails in my inbox don't get pushed so far down in the list by new, un-dealt-with email that they don't show up in the top 20 anymore. Perhaps making a few folders and organizing my email would help here...but maybe not.
Preparing nasty questions to ask to second-year PhD students who are asking me to be part of their mock comprehensive oral examination. This requires that I first read (and hopefully understand) their 10-20 page proposals.
Plotting out the next several experiments I want to do, which fills my calender up through December 6 and involves making sure there's enough space and time to coordinate these experiments with everyone else's space and time WHILE ALSO avoiding holidays in the schedule-making process.

And then on my plate in other parts of life...

Trying very desperately to keep up with the constant barrage of emails from friends and teammates and fellow knitters and rabbit-owners. I welcome emails, but I hope people don't think I'm mad at them when it takes me a month to write back, especially when their message says something like, "Hey, wanna have ice cream on Thursday?"...
Organizing my social calendar. Not that this is exceedingly complex, but I do tend to make being social not a priority when I have lots to do at work, so I'm trying very hard to leave spaces in the schedule for "Hang out with someone!" Which also means I need to do silly stuff like write down in my planner, "CALL so-and-so to fill that hang-out spot, otherwise you'll forget so-and-so exists!"
Treating Joelle for her sneezing. Again. Of course. Oh, and did I mention that she bit me on the thigh the other day? She was mad that I was trimming her hair.
Feeding Sheamus one food pellet at a time. He is eating now! But I can't just put food on the water surface and expect him to find it. Ohhhh no. No, he requires that I put one piece of food down at a time...then he can hopefully see it (he seems to be lacking some eyesight quality since his near-death experience) and choose to eat it. And then I can offer another piece. Two at a time is too much. ...My animals are special...
Taking care of a friend's fish. Why my friend thinks that I, the owner of I'm-about-to-die-oh-wait-no-I'm-not-just-leave-me-here-for-5-months Sheamus, would be a good candidate for fish-sitting is beyond me. Fortunately the fish, Houdini, is really fat and is probably not going to suffer a whole lot if he decides to not eat for the rest of the month that I'll be watching him.
Knitting! Yes, folks, I am indeed knitting even though pictures never appear on this blog anymore. More out of necessity now than for fun - I've got a baby shower gift on the needles, and the shower is July 7. AAAK! Not sure if I'll be making that deadline, but it'll be close.
More deadline knitting: Sockapalooza 4. I haven't started yet... And considering my extremely slow knitting pace, it's going to take me many late-night knitting runs to be done by the August 2 deadline... But at least now I've finally ordered yarn and narrowed my pattern choices down to two.
The everyday things of life, like getting the oil changed, seeing the eye doctor, finding time to go buy cereal and milk...

That is what I've been up to and/or am still working on. Why or why am I not feeling like busy is bad? Because...everything is falling into place very nicely. I can't explain it, it's just...life is peaceful now. I wake up refreshed in the mornings, I have enough time to read the Bible and do a little journaling every day, I eat meals. Maybe I've finally learned how to balance? Maybe everything is going to blow up in my face in the next couple weeks...? I guess we'll see, but for now I'm choosing to stay in this "happy place."

better?

2007-06-09T15:50:00.000-04:00

I was pondering today...

You know that poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson, the one that goes

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

It's from "In Memoriam."

I don't recall which movie it's from (perhaps "Good Will Hunting"??), but somewhere I heard someone on the silver screen tell someone else those last two lines, rather flippantly, and the listener sneered and you could tell he didn't agree with that at all. It is painful to love, after all. And it is very painful to lose love.

I wonder...what is the consensus on this? What do you think? Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

it's not so bad

2007-06-07T22:12:00.001-04:00

After I stepped off the bus on Wednesday and got into my car at the park-and-ride, I turned on the radio to my current favorite, NPR. It's my connection to the "real world" of news and such. And I heard all about court cases surrounding Guantanamo Bay...and people running of this, that or the other public office...and how public leaders are being untrustworthy...and how the war in Iraq is causing much consternation...

And I drove the short distance between the park-and-ride and my apartment and went from the least-educated, poorest, most crime-filled, just-on-the-fringe-of-the-city-proper neighborhood in the area to the NICEST one just by crossing one roadway...and I cringed as my car bumped along the road that had gotten torn up for resurfacing...and I was getting a bit downhearted about all the traffic that was being promised for the weekend due to some major construction and detours around the major highway of the area...

Then, to my surprise, I saw a demonstration of sorts going on at the corner. You know: a group of people holding signs, waving a flag, carrying on about their favorite issue, chanting perhaps, motioning to everyone who passes by, and of course during rush hour - although it didn't matter a whole lot because the street upon which they were standing is not a very high-traffic one and is actually quite quiet and peaceful.

But this group of sign-holders was unlike any I've seen before. And EVERYONE who drove by honked in support of their cause! How could it be that everyone could agree upon an issue?? Especially as they drove on this road that connects conservative and liberal neighborhoods? I was curious, but the most curious thing about this group was that they were all kids. Middle schoolers, I would wager.

What were they advocating???

The sign flashed at me as I drove by said, in red and blue writing on the white posterboard: "HONK FOR AMERICA."

Oh.

Leave it to the young people to remind us all that despite bumps in the road - both figuratively and (especially in Pittsburgh) literally - ...we live in a really great nation. And it's worth celebrating.

I guess I have to admit...it's not so bad.

memorial day 2007

2007-06-05T14:47:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I wanted to get far, far away from the lab and from life. What better way to "escape" than to hike with a heavy bag 10 miles into the woods of the Appalachian foothills?

I set out on Friday afternoon to Columbus, where I stayed overnight with my brother in his "new" place (it's the first time I've been there, so it's new to me, although it's several months old to him). Saturday morning we drove to Shawnee State Forest and found the backpack trail after visiting with a park ranger who told us to watch out for rattlesnakes. We strapped on our backpacks, laden with food, bedding, shelter, clothing, and cooking equipment.

On Saturday we hiked about 10.4 miles, then we stayed overnight at one of the "campsites." It was next to a stream bed (not much water in it, so it wasn't quite a stream) from which we could hear some frogs croaking to each other. There was a latrine not too far away, but I was too scared to use it without the door open because there were some HUGE crickets that made big noises when they jumped out of the "toilet" and onto the wooden walls. S-C-A-R-Y...!

We set up camp and made hot food and then did some reading and resting and stretching in the tent. We also did a search for ticks on our legs and were astounded to actually find one loosely attached to my brother! He smushed it and threw it outside the tent. I slept well in my new super-duper Slumberjack sleeping bag, but I discovered that the birds all wake up really early...and they're very loud!When I finally emerged from the tent, I found that our tick friend (or one of his buddies) had revived from the smushing and had climbed onto the tent! I threw him in the latrine.

That second day we hiked a bit further but had more time to get there, since we started in the morning instead of the afternoon. The trail took us over some little streams and through heavily vegetated areas and up some fairly steep hills. Not the least of these was the hill just before our campsite destination - upon looking at a map after one of our routine breaks we decided it would take about 30 minutes to get to this site, but we told each other to tack on another half hour just so we'd be prepared for the worst...and it was a good thing, because it did indeed take the entire projected hour to get through the last leg of that hike because it was all uphill! It was very nice to finally get to the site where we could set up camp. I was really ready for a long rest!

Again we set up the tent and cooked food and did a tick check. We found another tick on my brother. Truly, it seemed like every time we stopped we found one on him; there had definitely been one when we had stopped for lunch. Probably it wasn't that he is more appealing to ticks but that he went first on all of the trails, so he probably just accumulated all of the ticks before I had a chance to encounter any of them.

On Memorial Day we hiked the remaining 4.3 or so miles back to where we had started. The final part of the trail dumped us out by the State Park's lake...and I really wished that we had packed swim suits so we could jump in to cool off. I didn't know that it was possible for anyone to sweat as much as I did over those three days. Every day when I took off my pack at the camp my shirt was drenched in sweat. When the shirt finally dried by midday the next day, it had lines of sweat caked on it! I guess this stresses the importance of keeping well-hydrated while backpacking! And also the importance of bringing at least one change of clothes...which I did not in fact do (I had to wear my pajamas one day on the trail because my regular shirt was so gross...).

that's my pj shirt

All in all it was an awesome weekend! I had become so far removed from work and "real life" that I was actually wanting to get back to it! That's what I call refreshment!

that's my gross shirt

not a bump

2007-05-24T14:53:00.000-04:00

Where was this picture taken...?And this one?How about this?...Or this?And this - the best!Oh wait, that last one is sort of an inside joke. And a pretty funny one, if you happen to be inside...

And the location...Whistler-Blackcomb, considered by many to be the best ski resort in the world, located in gorgeous British Columbia, Canada!

This was the location of the 2007 Keystone Symposia on HIV Vaccines, which I attended at the end of March. Here's the conference center, nestled amongst the snow-capped mountains...What a terrible place to have a conference, eh?

And here's the dump we had to stay in...I am, of course, being sarcastic. The Crystal Lodge was wonderful!! It was less than 100 yards away from the base of both Whistler and Blackcomb Mountains, which are the home of dozens and dozens and dozens of groomed ski and snowboard trails as well as awesome backcountry, if you happen to be skilled enough to venture off of the trails...which...I certainly am not.

I did make some large strides in getting myself to backcountry-level, however. I took a ski lesson one afternoon when there weren't many interesting talks to attend. This was (sadly) only the second time in my life I've been downhill skiing. The first time was great, but skiing is rather expensive, and it is a lot more fun when one can go with other people. For a long time I didn't know anyone else who skied. Recently I met someone who does, but he was never interested in going to the skiing places nearby. He had grown up skiing, which meant he went to such places as Colorado and Tahoe and Utah and the Canadian Rockies (like Whistler!). He said he wasn't interested in skiing "bumps." I thought he was being ridiculous and that any mountain to ski on was better than no mountain to ski on.

However.

As does seem to happen to me more and more often these days, while standing on the slope halfway up Whistler waiting for my turn to ski down under the watchful eye of my instructor I happened to take my eyes off of the snow before me and looked up, and I immediately realized that I would once again have to bite my tongue or stick my foot in my mouth or some other similar phrase. When I looked up, I saw something like this...Now...that is something you don't see every day. That is something you don't get to see on "bumps" in Pennsylvania or Michigan or Ohio or West Virginia or other places around me where one could ski. You can't look up from the ski slope and find yourself utterly surrounded by more mountains. I can't describe what this feeling was like - it was like being inside a circular room with a panoramic picture of the mountains up on the walls, so that no matter where I turned, I was just struck with more and more and more of the majestic, beautiful scenery. What in the world could compare with skiing in a location like this? No bump would ever come close.

So...I was wrong. Skiing these world-class resorts in huge mountain ranges does make skiing at smaller and shorter locations much less appealing. Not that I'm going to never ski bumps myself, but I can at least appreciate my friend's lack of enthusiasm for such places.

There is so much to say about Whistler. I may end up writing more about that trip at another time. So much to be said and learned from the many cultures intermingled at the resort: the ski bums...the ski snobs...the average Joes who somehow ended up amongst all the skiers...the mountain folk...the locals. There was also the reminder that life needn't be all about being the richest, smartest, or most influential. And finding myself feeling ancient as I told college seniors to follow their dreams before they were too old to do so. You'd think my brain would have been filled with information from the HIV conference, but really it was packed to overflowing with lessons about life.

I should also note that before getting to Whistler I spent a day in Vancouver, the major city nearest the resort. I'm not too keen on the West Coast, but this city certainly had a lot going for it that I enjoyed very much. I saw bald eagles soaring too high up for my camera to reasonably capture, I saw very beautiful modern environmentally-friendly buildings being constructed (which I thought would be an architectural engineer's dream come true), I saw mountains rising from the seas, I saw reminders of the native cultures of the lands, I saw ocean liners poised to whisk people out to sea, I saw industrial products waiting to be picked up and sent to a useful destination. So many contrasts, all in one city. Vancouver was great!But still, it's nothing compared to WHISTLER!!!

happy things

2007-05-16T14:59:00.000-04:00

Woah. BIG news! Big news from a little guy.

You know how Sheamus (the fish) hasn't eaten anything in forever? How he's somehow miraculously still alive although he appears to have exceedingly little control of his buoyancy, spine, and up-right-ness? Yeah, he hasn't eaten since at least December 2006. And it's not for lack of me feeding him.

I have basically given up hope for him, because no amount of medicine in the water or special food or frequent water changes appear to help. I resigned myself to the fate that Sheamus will just wither away and die one of these days.

This morning...for whatever reason I looked over at Sheamus's bowl and something made me think, "Hey, he's begging for food like he used to do when he actually ate food." So I thought, "What the heck, I might as well plunk some in there." I've been fooled by this before; usually when I think, "He looks like he's in an eating mood!" he just ignores the food and it sinks to the bottom. BUT...

Today...SHEAMUS ATE!!!! 4 pieces of food, no less! It was amazing.

I don't know what it means in the long-run, but it surely was a good indication that maybe he'll be okay. At least I know that he has some food in his tummy and that's he's not boycotting that type of food.

I won't frighten you with a picture of the poor thing, but here's a picture of something else happy that I will (try to) write about in more detail in my next post (whenever that may be).Anyone know where that is? And no fair "guessing" if I already told you.

what if...?

2007-05-12T17:42:00.000-04:00

In light of my newly recanted burning desire to plot out every last detail of my future, my mind has wandered to questions about "What would have happened if you had chosen a different place for graduate school?" Two notes on that sentence: 1) The question isn't a "Oh, woe is me, I made a bad choice!" one; it's simply, "Hm... That would have been interesting." 2) I have absolutely no idea when the last time I read or used the word "recanted" was (excuse the grammar awfulness just there), but for some reason that word flowed nicely through my fingers onto the screen...!

So. What if...

What if I had chosen to attend University of North Carolina? I had a tough time picking between Chapel Hill and Pittsburgh. In many respects, Chapel Hill is just the type of location I would love to be in: a smallish college town, lovely weather, situated equidistant from the ocean and the mountains. I even had the pleasure of meeting someone from a sister church of my college church while I had my interview, and I then spent the next summer living just around the corner from that person (who happened to be an incredibly sweet, good-looking, tall young man). The research there isn't bad, and everyone was very friendly.

The interesting thing about UNC is that one of the motivations for strongly considering the school was the Research Triangle that, in addition to Chapel Hill, has vertexes in Durham and Raleigh. Back in 2002, it seemed like THE place to be. A job was guaranteed in the area. That seemed like a very wonderful thing to me at the time. The biotech industry in the Triangle was thriving and growing. To my fresh-out-of-undergrad mind, it sounded perfect and secure. However, here I am five years later, and I haven't heard a thing about the Triangle in ever so long. Yes, there's a lot of good research being done at UNC, North Carolina State University, and Duke University. However, it's a far cry from the picture that had been painted in my mind. A forecast is, after all, merely a forecast. I feel I would have been disappointed if I had selected UNC with the prospect of jumping into industry in the Triangle...only to find that it wasn't as up on the up and up as had been projected.

What if I had chosen to attend the University of Pennsylvania? Now that is an interesting question. To this day I believe that many people probably thought my choice to turn down Penn was incredibly stupid. In fact, the more I stay in research, the more I believe that. The program I was accepted into at Penn had an agreement with the National Institutes of Health where Penn students could select from not only the Penn researchers but also the researchers at the nearby NIH to pursue their doctoral degree. At the time I was incredibly naive about what that meant. I do recall that it was emphasized in pretty much every informational talk we interviewees sat through; it obviously was something Penn was extremely proud of and thought would impress all of their applicants. Well, call me ignorant, but I wasn't impressed because I had no idea what significance research at the NIH has in HIV and pretty much every other biomedical field. To give you an idea of how appealing the NIH would be to most anyone who knew what was going on in science, at the latest HIV meeting I attended, almost every speaker was from or working in close collaboration with someone at the NIH. The rest of the speakers all seemed to be from Penn.

There you have it...I blew a huge opportunity for getting to work with the best of the best in the field at what many would say is the most coveted biomedical research facility in the world. The NIH (seemingly) has it all - state-of-the-art machines to do the cutting edge research, internal funding so grad students don't have to worry so much that their boss is going to tell them "Oh, you can't do that experiment, it's too expensive," beautiful buildings, the smartest people in the world in the next lab over, access to an endless supply of volunteers for tissue and blood samples. Besides that, it's situated in a fairly wonderful area of the country (again, not too far from both a large body of water and a open, mountainous region - these two aspects pique my interest very much). Anyone who is interested in building a solid career in scientific research would jump at the chance to get an in. And I said no??? What was I thinking!?

Yet, I still am not convinced that I would have selected Penn, even if I had known then what I know now. After all...I don't want to build a snazzy career. I don't want to spend my life chained to my research or be cut-throat competitive. I want to work hard at what I love doing, sure, but not to the extent I gather is the norm at the NIH based on conversations with other students and researchers I have since met who are there. That's not where my heart is at. Perhaps if I had chosen to go to Penn, I would be headed in an entirely different direction from where I'm pointed now...and it's anyone's guess as to whether I would be happy or not.

What if I had chosen to attend University of California, Davis? This question intrigues me most. Over the years here in graduate school, I have achieved a deep appreciation for the HIV-related work going on at UC Davis. For some reason I never seriously considered their offer, and I can only assume it was because they accepted me and made an offer without flying me out for an interview so I thought it was a lousy, second-rate place to go. Today I very much disagree with that judgment; two of the top ten people I would like to work with if I stay in HIV research are there. Probably another thing that kept me from Davis was its distance from family in Michigan. Who would have guessed that by my third year of grad school my sister would be living only an hour and a half away, which is closer than any family member is currently?

There are so many "what if"s. In the end, I really don't know. Nobody ever knows! What I am confident of is that, had I chosen a different school, I would not know the people I know today; that would be sad. And it's slightly possible that I never would have fallen in love with mucosal immunology and the gut in particular. (You can determine whether or not that was a good thing to have happen to me here in Pittsburgh!) Maybe I also would not have learned to rock climb...or scuba dive...or knit! No knitting -- now that is an unusual concept to attempt to grasp!

It's good for me to look back and see how my choice panned out, especially as I approach the end of my graduate schooling and will eventually (but not now!) need to make a choice about where to step next. I realize that what I think will happen is not what does happen. And usually what does happen is a lot better than what I thought would happen, even if it is a little nerve-wracking to get through.

For, even in my selection of the University of Pittsburgh as the school for the pursuit of my PhD, what ended up happening was not at all what I had anticipated. I was exceedingly interested in one particular lab when I moved to Pittsburgh. The projects going on were directly related to my strongest interest in the HIV field. I rotated in the lab for 3 or 4 months, and I was very happy there and got some great work done. My rotation project was not really about the particular interest I had; it was about the gut as a reservoir for HIV during chronic infection and had to do a lot with T cells. When I finished that rotation and went on to the next lab, I picked up a project involving the gut, also, based entirely on my new-found interest in that organ. And six months later when I had to select the lab in which I would continue my education...it was not the one I had come to Pittsburgh for. I could certainly have gone there; there was an opening for a student, and I enjoyed the mentor and the people I would have worked with. But, as usual...something better had been revealed to me.

Funny how that works, eh?

...And I hadn't intended on writing this, and it sounds super, duper silly, but I just thought: D is a great guy. Wonderful. But apparently not for me. That's sad. And yet...if someone better in coming...wow, Someone Better is going to be AMAZING, because D is pretty darn good!

Hooray.

d end

2007-05-12T00:17:00.000-04:00

And...the week is over (mostly).

I survived! There will be a bit more craziness at work next week, but this week was the most intense as far as that goes, and all of us in the lab are still friends. We also discovered that we all like the same music. Score!

As noted earlier, the Freaky Appointment never came to be, and that situation is Very Good now. There is understanding between the appointee and me (I know that's terrible grammar, but it rhymes).

Alas, the response that was destined to be bad regardless of what it was never came. Which perhaps is for the best. Unfortunately for those interested in my love life, the anticipated response was to come from good ol' D. There is a distinct lack of understanding between that boy and me. Ungood. Sad. I'll survive. Due to lack of sleep and other things I have half a mind to use mean names and write about how I am frustrated, but wisdom suggests that's not such a spiffy idea.

Here at midnight-thirty I'm finally ready to leave the lab for good for tonight. I GET TO SLEEP IN TOMORROW (this morning?)!!! Hooray for the promise of more than 4 hours of sleep! (And you thought all-nighters only happened in college, didn't you?)

God is good

2007-05-08T08:12:00.000-04:00

That is all I can say. I might laugh or jump for joy or scream "Hooray!" or turn on loud, happy music - but truly in light of the way God pulled off yesterday, all I can do is say, "God is good."

You see...

Everything in the lab went well. Yes, it was a very long day, and there were a few rough spots, but considering all of that my team and I achieved decent yields of the cells we were after and there were no huge blow-ups at one another.

I have not gotten the response that I'm waiting for, but as I'm waiting I'm realizing that the response, whatever it is, is not the make-or-break-it thing I've been making it out to be in my mind. If the response is good, then okay. If the response is bad, then okay. I have peace that whatever happens...it will be okay.

And the dreaded appointment... That was the kicker. Have you ever had a moment when someone calls and tells you something and you want to drop the phone and run rejoicing around the neighborhood but that would be exceedingly rude and unkind because what the person told you was hard for them to say? Okay, maybe you haven't. But that's what I felt like yesterday. I was just putting the last thing I needed for the appointment into my bag when the phone rang, and it was the "appointee" saying we would have to cancel due to extenuating circumstances beyond human control. (Er...yes, can I say GOD did that???!) I believe I did a good job of tactfully saying, "Oh, that's too bad. Oh well, no biggie" without being disingenuous.

What a load off my shoulders...! It reminds me of "Sing for joy to God our strength; shout aloud to the God of Jacob! ...He says, 'I removed the burden from their shoulders'." Psalm 81:1&6.

And so, today, while only day two of the week, is looking brighter than I had anticipated. Continuing on my Relient K kick, might I just say:

Something tells me that this is going to make sense
Something tells me it’s going to take patience
Something tells me that this will all work out in the end

looking forward to a week of life

2007-05-06T16:44:00.000-04:00

Feeling a little introspective again today... So many thoughts have been going through my mind in the past two weeks, and probably one of the most recurrent ones is, "Can I please figure out how to stop thinking so much??" Thinking doesn't help very much in a lot of situations. What I mean to say is that as much as I think about what I should do if/when this-or-that occurs or what I should do to get this-or-that to occur...many times "this-or-that" is not something that any amount of me thinking or planning for can make any amount of difference. I cannot make stuff happen by thinking about it. I can't wish things into existence. All I can do is take life moment by moment, as it comes, basing what I do on not what I think but what I believe. Hm, can anyone follow that "think vs. believe" concept -- I once described it to some friends as "I need more wisdom, not brain cells."

Anyway... The week ahead of me is one of those that cause me to think muchly. A bunch of stuff going on in the lab; long hours await. I am waiting to hear back from someone whose response I can't predict; whatever the result my mood will certainly be affected. I have an appointment that I feel uncomfortable and anxious about attending; very long and awkward moments are guaranteed.

I think...have I prepared everything I need for the week of labwork...what if that response is unkind or disappointing...the lab work and the response and the appointment could all go in ways I don't want, and that will make the future look bleak because all these things seem to have so much to do with trying to publish results and graduate and find a new place to work...if I'm so uncomfortable about this appointment, maybe I should cancel it - but no, it's too late now, and maybe it's just my defense mechanism to avoid things I don't feel comfortable with...will I be able to keep it together during the stressful week and not go off on my coworkers and to the responder and at the appointment...all these things do not have that much of an affect on my future, why am I so concerned...these three things are what I anticipate for the week, but assuredly so many other things I have not anticipated will also crop up - can I deal with that...is it even worth worrying about the response, maybe the person isn't really worth caring that much about...is my worry about all of these things just setting me up to have a bad attitude regardless of what actually happens... These are my thoughts.

I do believe I need to figure out a way to make my brain turn off...!

da po' bun

2007-05-03T15:12:00.000-04:00

My poor rabbit, Joelle...

I neglect her beautiful coat. She does a very good job of keeping it clean - I see her licking it all the time and chewing out all the hay that sticks to her. However, she can't keep the hair on her underside free of debris and mats. That's my job, which I've been ignoring for a long time. :-(

It's led to a few rather funny incidents. Pictures of the one recently were taken the night before I left on a trip I have to tell you all about, and all of my clothes were in the washing machine, so that explains why I am wearing such a freaky outfit.What's that on her butt, you ask? Well...Yeah, she's made in China...

Well, on Tuesday my wonderful friend and coworker came over to help me chop out some of the mess that is Joelle's undercoat. Wonderful friend and coworker has experience cutting her dogs' hair, and she did a great job with her lagomorph subject. Joelle, of course, didn't enjoy any moment of the experience of being HELD and RESTRAINED and TURNED ON HER BACK! By the end of the hair-cutting session, Joelle was pretty much submitted by default because she was exhausted. When we let her free, she rested under her favorite chair for two hours before she found the strength to eat her favorite greens that were sitting right in front of her. Before she slinked to the chair, she showed us exactly how embarrassed and upset she felt...

getting up

2007-05-02T14:32:00.000-04:00

This week the trend is for life to be ironic. You only get to see one such example, but really there have been many.

It was both funny and sobering when I turned back the pages in my journal on Tuesday as I ate breakfast. After much thinking and talking and crying on Monday, I finally got to the place where I could see that all my efforts at trying to get my life together for the future...were not working and, more importantly, weren't necessary. I was out of control...and what I was trying to control is beyond my control.

A counselor once gave me a picture of spheres of control. There were three concentric circles. The inner one represented things I can control. The next one out was things I have influence over but can't ultimately control. The outer one was things I have no control over. I really don't like those outer two circles. But seeing them helps me to look at situations in my life and think about in which circle they exist.

Once I realize something is out of my control, though, it's still another gigantic leap to accept that it really is out of my control. And it's even tougher to let God have control of it, which is really the only way things will work out.

The irony of my reading on Tuesday was that I was sitting at the table with all of these realizations and the peace that came with them, I saw that I had written just that in my journal...on SUNDAY. Why did I not at all remember thinking those thoughts?

The answer is, quite simply, that it's one thing to think of a concept but it's quite another to agree with it. And for me, to get to the point where I realized I was not agreeing with it, I had to get a bit hurt in my heart. I had to go down to a very low place, where the only place to go was up.

Also ironic is how very appropriately my new best friends of Relient K sang about my precise feelings:

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

Don't fret, ya'll - I'm good now, because the song, and my story, ends like this:

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

they're out!

2007-05-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

It rained all day here on Saturday.

Sunday it was sunny, but I went on my road trip.

When I returned on Monday, it hit me that it was spring, because every yard I passed was blanketed in flowers...these flowers:

hrmn...now what?

2007-04-30T12:10:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I took a few steps in trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be headed after graduation. I know that I won't really know for a while (part of this is that I don't have a graduation date established, just "by the end of 2007"), but I'm trying to weigh my options and send out some feelers for some of the directions I am feeling nudged to head.

For this past weekend, that meant two things:
1. Inquire for the MFC researcher I'm interested in if he anticipates any openings for a postdoc anytime soon. I sent this email on Friday evening.

2. Visit one of the cities I'm thinking of going. Why? To get a sense of the place. And...maybe get a blast of lightning saying, "YES!! This is the place to go!! Now, find someone to work with here!!" (I might add that I realize this probably seems like a totally backwards way of selecting a job - at least a postdoctoral research position - to first figure out to which city one wants to go and then figure out if there's a job there. As my boss told me once, the only reason to do that is for family or boyfriend/fiance/husband. I assure you, that is not the case in my situation.)

So, I went to the city yesterday, which was sort of a disaster because I had planned on leaving my house much earlier than I did but that ended up not happening for reasons beyond my control, and as it turned out I hadn't really put much thought into how much time I would have in the city, and all the things I had put on my mental list of stuff to do would have taken at least 7 more hours than I had allotted myself. Well - the getting to the city and doing what I hoped was a disaster. The visit was actually very much NOT. I got a lot of very good, very tough thinking done on the way there and while I was exploring some of the area. No bolts of lightning, though. I did, however, really, really, really, really, really, really appreciate the fact that this city does NOT have insane, falling apart roads like Pittsburgh does. And people also know how to drive there, unlike in Pittsburgh. And it's clean, unlike in Pittsburgh. (I don't hate Pittsburgh, but...it's got a lot of stuff that really bugs me. Some cities are just not for certain people!)

Then I came home this morning. More thinking on the way back. More thinking as I walked to the bus to go to work. One thing I had gleaned from my visit was that regardless of the choice I make - to move there or to move somewhere else or do something totally different than what I'm thinking now - it, in a sense, doesn't matter. It's not like the world will end because I make a choice that is less than perfect. And my life will not be ruined if I make a bad choice, either! So if I go to this city and then it turns out to be a lousy idea...well, that's it. It was a lousy idea, and I accept that fact and move on. (Perhaps easier said than done, but still the thought makes me feel much less anxious about my choice.) And suddenly on the way to the bus I thought, "Well, then GO! There's nowhere else you want to go, so why don't you just go and do it! And it's not a bad choice, anyhow!"

Hm. ...Okay!

And then I got to work and turned on my computer and checked my email and read...

"My lab is pretty full right now, so no, I don't anticipate any openings in the next few months."

Oh. Bleh.

Well, that negates that option unless I somehow decide to beat a dying horse (which I have realized recently I'm pretty good at doing!) and figure out a way to convince this researcher that I can write a grant and get funding for a project of my own to do in his lab. And - I'm not being low-self-esteemy here! - the chances of me actually getting a grant for this type of research coming from the field I'm in is very, very, very low, so that does not seem like a very wise course of action. My efforts would be best spent somewhere else.

And so...what does it mean? Shall I search for other opportunities in the city? I'm sure there are lots, and many that are much more related to my current work and expertise. Do I look somewhere else? The interesting thing is that besides the MFC research, right now absolutely nothing grabs me. Not like when I was in undergrad and looking for grad schools - I was passionate about HIV, and that guided my choices. But I'm not passionate about HIV now, and I don't feel passion for anything except bacteria making electricity. And this is both frustrating (I'm not even at Square One; I'm at Square ZERO!) and comforting (I can do...anything! Wow - that's a lot of options!). But not very informative.

...I suppose that in conclusion I shall say...stay tuned to see this story progress and discover the exciting conclusion in a matter of (I hope!) months...! Oh, and if you have any passion to pass on, please do.

:-)

relient k

2007-04-27T16:50:00.000-04:00

As I said to my friend Leeann yesterday when I arrived at the gym and she asked how I was doing because I looked 'not okay'..."It's been a...year." Indeed, life has been full of very interesting and semi-overwhelming occurrences since January 1. Ups and downs, of course, but I remember commiserating with my coworker one day after we both encountered weird, weird, weird results in the lab during the last week of January - and she said, "2007 is not going so well."

Er...I hope this isn't sounding too melancholy...!

At any rate, it had been a long day of thinking and fixing and working with people, but after some biking and ellipticaling (since the chiropractor says running is not such a good idea for my back, hips, and knees), I headed home and felt rather better. And as I sat down on the couch to start working on my home-work (that is...work I needed to do at home to "turn in" to my boss today), I popped an old favorite CD into my new laptop. I was craving some of the comfort and truth of "Getting Into You" from Relient K's 2003 album Two Lefts Don't Make a Right...But Three Do. According to the artists, nobody knows them, but I've known them for a long time, so it's hard for me to tell if that's really true. Anyhow, if you don't know them and you have the sense of humor that made you smile when you read the album title (since...it's true!), check them out (and while you're there, make sure you listen to "Must Have Done Something Right" - even if you're a bitter single person, you'll probably smile because this guy's in-love-ness is so cute and genuine!). Oh, and they also have lots of fun things to say about the 1980's, so if you like the 80's...there you go.

What I appreciate about Relient K's music is that it's not about big, crazy drama. It's about everyday things that happen. When there's a song about "I'm mad at you!" it isn't, "...And my life is ruined and it's all your fault and you'd better come apologize or you'll be sorry." It's "Hm, getting along with people is real tough. Real and tough. I feel angry. You probably do, too. I feel worse thinking that I made you angry. We're both wrong. There's a lot of stuff that needs to get worked out between us and within me." ...Sounds like healthy, well-adjusted, thoughtful people approaching a problem in a logical way. And I guess that's why I couldn't stop with just the one song I had set out to hear last night; I listened to two of their albums. And if you know me and my musical inclinations, you'll know it is quite abnormal for me to spend that much time listening to something. I'm much more of a peace and quiet type.

But - good thing I wasn't last night, because after the music (oh, and a nice cup of cappuccino), I felt much, much relieved of many of the stresses that have been bogging me down lately. It's not that the music fixed my problems. No...I guess it rather reminded me that bad things occur to everyone and we all have to select our way to deal with the bad things and sometimes it takes a long time for bad things to get fully worked out; and that good things also occur; and that the year hasn't been that bad; and that I can thrive under the grace I've received and live a much more joyful life if I recall to extend grace to others.

...Deeeeeep, eh? All that from a band whose songs say stuff like "Ohio has the flavor of a water chestnut."

would you like a picture?

2007-04-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

Okay, okay, here we go. I have so, so, so much to catch everyone up on! And that means I need to start back in March...

March is Spring Break time, although that means very little in the world of graduate students. In general that has meant one of two things for me as a grad student: 1) there is more time to work in the lab because classes are canceled for that week OR 2) it is absolutely an oxymoron to say it's "Spring Break" when we grad students have to teach the med students during that week because med student Spring Break is the week afterwards!

Since I've finished my teaching responsibilities as a student and I really didn't feel the need to spend more time in the lab, I chose to take a break. Only for a couple days, though. I drove about an hour southeast of Pittsburgh to Linn Run State Park where I had rented a rustic cabin. When they said "rustic" I figured it would mean REALLY rustic. Electricity, sure that was to be expected, and I had been told that there would be a refrigerator, also. But I was quite surprised when I stepped in the door and found this:We're talking full kitchen here, folks. No running water, but there's a stove with an oven. And, although it didn't make it into the picture, not the tiny dorm-room refrigerator I was expecting but a full-size fridge/freezer just like I have in my apartment! Too bad I didn't know about all of this before because I had worked really hard to pack food for two days that could fit in a tiny space and be made using nothing but...a coffeemaker (one of my secret talents is coffeemaker cooking... They're good for much more than liquid. Mwa-hahaha!).

Despite the nice kitchen, the remainder of the cabin was much more rustic. There was a wood-burning stove (with which I had a fight because I couldn't get the fan to work the night I got there and I felt unsafe letting the fire burn without it so I was quite a bit cold and wore as many clothes as I could over my pajamas) and a dining set with table and wood benches and a connected room with a bed and a bench and night stand. And there was a mouse. How much more rustic can you get?

Other than the cold, which was quite annoying (I wore a hat most of the time), the place was wonderful. If I stepped out of the door, I walked onto a covered cement porch with a picnic table and a lovely view of the little "run."I could even hear the river/creek gurgling when I was sitting in the cabin - it was that loud!

While I was at the park, I did some hiking and reading and thinking. It was very nice to get away from the many stresses of life and worry about more basic things like keeping the fire going. And it was also very nice to see some natural beauty, even in the midst of a winter that came late but wanted to extend itself as long as possible. Due to the weirdness of the weather, the waterfall I hiked to was not completely frozen, but it was mostly frozen.After two nights in the cabin, I packed up and hopped back into the car to get back to the city for my appointment with the chiropractor. I definitely want to go back to my little "home" in the woods!

we don't know a lot

2007-04-24T13:52:00.000-04:00

Man, oh man, this surely isn't what I feel like blogging about. I feel like I've been in a chronically bad mood for the entirety of April. That may be my imagination, but it's true today, and so it makes all the previous days seem like they were probably like this, also. "Bad mood" isn't quite the accurate term - I've actually been in a GOOD mood most of the time, but I fret a lot. I am filled with many, many questions, mostly about my life and where I'm going and when. I am stressed about not having answers. And I want to spew it all here right now, but I think that's probably rather unwise. Plus, it's not very nice to read stuff like that, is it? :-)

So, what I'm going to be blogging about today is not that at all. It is about immunology.

At the end of March I attended a meeting about HIV for work (many lovely pictures are waiting to be transferred to the correct computer and posted onto this very blog; promise! Oh, and they're not pictures of HIV or any of that boring work-related stuff - they're of the area surrounding the conference center, which was anything but boring and was also very beautiful). One thing I am always amazed by when I leave an HIV meeting is how much scientists don't know. Not just about the HIV virus itself, not even about the immune response against HIV. Scientists just plain don't know much about the immune system period! It seems that the more we (meaning the scientific community immersed in HIV research) learn, the more we find we don't know. And while the microbial fuel cell is my number one choice for a future career at the present moment, the workings of the immune system is a close second.

I am guessing (hoping, since you all out there will have to read this!) that you don't have to be a scientist to find it interesting that depending on the origin of the "instructor" cells that interact with blood cells to tell them to fight disease, the fighting cells go fight in different places. That probably needs a bit more explanation. Okay... Basic immunology: we all have a bunch of cells floating around in our bodies doing different stuff. "Instructor" cells (technically called "dendritic cells") have the main duty of picking up stuff, figuring out if it's bad, and then telling certain blood cells (e.g. T cells) that the bad thing is there and they should fight it when they run into it. What's new and neat in the field of immunology is that it kind of appears that not only do the instructors say "Bad thing exists!" but "Bad thing exists in a certain location - now GO THERE and attack it!" For example, if you take an instructor cell from the skin and mix it with a fighting cell, the fighting cell goes to the skin. But, if you take and instructor cell from the intestine and mix it with the same fighting cell...now the fighting cell goes to the intestine! It doesn't matter where the fighting cell comes from, all that seems to matter is the instructor cell.

I think that's pretty cool. The rather troubling part is that nobody knows why any of this happens or even if it happens in any other body parts than the intestine and the skin. I happen to really like the intestinal immune system, so I don't really care, but surely it would be intriguing to find out if this happens in other tissues (and if not...why not!?). Did you ever realize that nobody even really knows the details about how to properly stimulate cells to fight off the bacteria, viruses, and parasites that try to attack your body every day.

Yet the body does it quite well. For even though I was sick last week for a few days...the rest of the 360 days of the year I've been fine! Truly that means on only ONE day a respiratory virus was able to get past all the barriers my body has up - and that's a protection success rate of greater than 99.7%! (Hm, come to think of it, that's way better than most birth control methods... Not that this means anything, and not that pregnancy is something you "catch" like a cold! I'm just saying...the body does a good job!)

Oh my, now this is going somewhere I never intended. I think I'll stop and get back to work!

So...moral of the story: we scientists might seem (and certain ones will attempt to convince people of this!) like we're smart and all that, but really, we have NO idea.

got sick

2007-04-23T18:32:00.000-04:00

Oogh... Bleh. I figured it out on Tuesday: that headache that wouldn't go away and the aches in my body and the severe exhaustion... These were not signs that I had eaten something bad or that I had played too hard in the hockey game Saturday. No, indeed: I was SICK.

So I spent Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and half of Saturday in bed.

Yick. It's just a bad cold, and I'm feeling much, much better now, but I think I'll be hacking up whatever is still stuck down in my lungs for quite some time, if the people around me who have been sick recently are any indication!

Anyhow - sorry for no posts. This time I had a good excuse!